JONATHAN TURLEY

In different studies, scientists have recently identified two major sources of global warming: Kudzo and Canadian beer drinkers.  

Kudzu is that vine that one sees throughout the south covering everything from telephone poles to trees to slow-moving children. It now turns out that it is a major source of ground-level ozone and a contributor to global warming. Kudzo covers an estimated 11,580 square miles in the United States with an impressive expansion of 200 new square miles each year.  

At the same time, researchers have finally broken the silence over the status of Canadian beer drinkers as single source pollutants.  According to the Canadian government, the problem is traditional ”beer fridges” that one in three Canadian households use to store their brew.  The Canadian beer fridges are inefficient and contributing mightily to energy consumption and pollution.  It would seem that the English are more earth-friendly due to their tolerance for warm beer. Yet, if the choice is between warm beer and global disaster, one can pretty much start digging your earth bunker now. The English tolerance for warm beer appears to be a genetic abnormality found largely on that one island.

The exponential expansion of both Kudzo and Canadian beer drinkers shows a link in these global threats. Both seem to thrive in dark and isolated environments and both tend to cling to objects and people around them. The solution would seem to be obvious: force Canadian beer drinkers to eat Kudzo. Even better, fund government research into a Kudzo-based beer for Canadians. Am I the only one thinking outside of this ecological box? Indeed, if one of the American beer companies could get involved we could export KudBud and KudBud Lite to Canada and help defray the costs of the falling dollar.

For the kudzo story, click  here

For the Canadian beer story, click here