Court Jesting

Submitted By Mark Esposito, Guest Blogger

Some think  lawyers and judges to be serious folk and devoid of humor as they carry out the public’s business. Here’s some proof to the contrary from taken from real case depositions and trial transcripts:

By the Court:  Is there any reason why you couldn’t serve as a juror in this case?

By a Potential Juror:  I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

The Court:  Can’t they do without you at work?

Potential Juror:  Yes, but I don’t want them to know that.


By Attorney:  Have you ever heard of Sigmund Freud?

By Juror:  Yes.

Attorney:  What have you heard?

Juror:  He’s in Las Vegas.

By the Court:  I think you’re thinking of Siegfried & Roy, aren’t you?

Juror:  That’s what I’m doing.

Attorney:  This guy was a little older than that.


By Defendant:  Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

By the Court:  And why is that?

Defendant:  Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.

The Court (addressing the public defender):  Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?

By the Public Defender:  I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.


By Attorney:  What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

By Witness:  He said, “Where am I Cheryl?”

Attorney:  And why did that upset you?

Witness:  My name is Kathy.


By Attorney:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

By Witness:  Yes, I have been since early childhood.


By Attorney:  So, you are unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then?

By Witness:  Mr. Stewart gave me artificial insemination — you know, mouth-to-mouth.


By Attorney:  Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?

By Witness:  The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.


By Attorney:  Remember all your responses must be oral. OK? Now, what school do you go to?

By Witness:  Oral.

Attorney:  How old are you?

Witness:  Oral.


By Attorney:  Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

By Witness:  No — this is how I usually dress when I go to work.


By Attorney:  You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

By Witness:  Yes.

Attorney:  And these stairs — did they go up also?


By the Prosecutor:  Did you kill the victim?

By the Defendant:  No, I did not.

Prosecutor:  Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant:  Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.


The Absentee Witness.  In a criminal case, the defense counsel had just moved for continuance on the grounds that a defense witness was not present in court. The rest follows:

By the Court:  Well why don’t we call the list of witnesses and see who’s here?

[The list of witnesses was called in open court and the supposedly “absent” witness answered “Present”]

By the Defense Attorney:  Your Honor, I move for continuance on the grounds of surprise. He promised me he wouldn’t be here.


~Mark Esposito, Guest Blogger

18 thoughts on “Court Jesting

  1. The guy in the news clip above should be taught some facts about how legal it is to record audio of police, like how it’s LEGAL in public in most of the places on his list of 12 states or whatever. Illinois is not one of them. But for instance, Maryland is, and he showed a video from MD.

  2. Jude,

    Don’t let a few trees block your view of the forest.

    Court: You are charged with shoplifting a bottle of vitamins. How do you plead?

    Defendant: Guilty with an explanation.

    Court: And what is that?

    Defendant: The food makers are always taking the vitamins out of the food I buy here. I was just getting them back.

    Court: Laughing. $50 fine.

  3. Thank you, mespo … they are all great and I found myself assigning names of regulars to different responses … for instance I substituted Gene H for the grammar correcting doctor … pete for the “appearance” witness … HenMan for the perjury penalty … etc

    my favorite is “oral” so I gave it to myself

  4. “Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

    Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.”

    Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. Hilarious post Mark.

  5. This was so funny, Mark; thank you for the post.
    Blouise, I did like your comment. This is off topic but sort of related to your comment:
    I am a faithful reader but seldom post. What has happened to Buddha? I miss his comments.

  6. Mark and rafflaw,

    I wonder if he got a delay or a grievance filed by the court for possible witness tampering….

    I thought the Doctor one was funny….I wish I could have seen the attorneys face….

    The ineffective assistance of counsel should have been a no brainer….but, I have seen judges refuse to reappoint as a a delay of trial technique….

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