Submitted By Mark Esposito, Guest Blogger
Some think lawyers and judges to be serious folk and devoid of humor as they carry out the public’s business. Here’s some proof to the contrary from Gavel2Gavel.com taken from real case depositions and trial transcripts:
By the Court: Is there any reason why you couldn’t serve as a juror in this case?
By a Potential Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
The Court: Can’t they do without you at work?
Potential Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know that.
By Attorney: Have you ever heard of Sigmund Freud?
By Juror: Yes.
Attorney: What have you heard?
Juror: He’s in Las Vegas.
By the Court: I think you’re thinking of Siegfried & Roy, aren’t you?
Juror: That’s what I’m doing.
Attorney: This guy was a little older than that.
By Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
By the Court: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
The Court (addressing the public defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
By the Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
By Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
By Witness: He said, “Where am I Cheryl?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Kathy.
By Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
By Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
By Attorney: So, you are unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then?
By Witness: Mr. Stewart gave me artificial insemination — you know, mouth-to-mouth.
By Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
By Witness: The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.
By Attorney: Remember all your responses must be oral. OK? Now, what school do you go to?
By Witness: Oral.
Attorney: How old are you?
By Attorney: Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
By Witness: No — this is how I usually dress when I go to work.
By Attorney: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
By Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs — did they go up also?
By the Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
By the Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
The Absentee Witness. In a criminal case, the defense counsel had just moved for continuance on the grounds that a defense witness was not present in court. The rest follows:
By the Court: Well why don’t we call the list of witnesses and see who’s here?
[The list of witnesses was called in open court and the supposedly "absent" witness answered "Present"]
By the Defense Attorney: Your Honor, I move for continuance on the grounds of surprise. He promised me he wouldn’t be here.
~Mark Esposito, Guest Blogger