If you said, attempted sex with a van, you need help. That bizarre charge was filed against Michael Henson, who (not surprisingly) appeared intoxicated. I would hope so.
Police were called around 8 pm to the scene after a report of a man who was pulling down his pants and swinging on a stop sign. When they arrived, he was only wearing black gym sport and shoes and attempting to have sex with the grill of a van parked on the street. Now that is one thing that most people would not anticipate in trying to find a parking space safe from things like getting dinged or dented.
The man then appeared to pass out on a nearby yard. The charge is a simple public indecency count since there is no other crime that fit sexual assault of a vehicle.
The make of the van is not released. While it is customary to withhold the name of a sexual assault victim, this does not appear to be the reason. A couple of possibilities would be the Isuzu Filly; Daihatsu Xenia; GAZ GAZelle; and the forever bewitching Suzuko Rascal.
By the way, this is hardly unheard of as a crime. (here and here). The objects of such affection in past cases have included cars, car vacuums, helicopters, and mailboxes. Most are charged out as indecent exposure . . . and over exposure on the Internet.
Kind of diggin’ that curved back end though…
Darren is correct about the autoeroticism, but van-ity goes along with autoeroticism, as among infantile traits, as Carl Jung has pointed out.
https://books.google.com/books?id=F2XfBQAAQBAJ&pg=PA102&lpg=PA102&dq=autoeroticism+vanity&source=bl&ots=cLWc9s7gRq&sig=YUUTyqfsi8VgS0qDL38yjhM92aE&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiZwrXIos7OAhUH-mMKHX2gAS0Q6AEILDAE#v=onepage&q=autoeroticism%20vanity&f=false
I would also like to suggest a special feature whenever Professor Turley presents one of these “guess what the person was charged with” articles. A “can you match the perps” quiz should accompany the article, with photos of a handful or so of persons so charged from previous articles, marked, say “a” to “e” — along with the charges, out of order, of course, labeled “1” to “5.” There seems to be no shortage of such novel charges.
I don’t know what this guy was arrested for but if my dog had a face like that I’d shave its ass and make him walk backwards!
The van was recently lubed, and now needs a good shower, er, car wash.
I don’t understand the problem.
The grill? Ouch!
This guy needs to be banned from all car shows in case he gets too excited.
His family tree is a telephone pole.
Now I know what “You’re all up in my grill” means.
Squeeky – excellent
Tin, Darren, Squeek and Jay w/ a witty start to Friday. Thanks for the laughs. Would the grill constitute oral copulation and the tailpipe anal? Asking for a friend.
Is this what they call having car-nal knowledge?
He looks Ukrainian.
Oh my, this could have ended very badly! That sounds like a segue into an Irish Poem!
Honest Engine???
An Irish Poem by Squeeky Fromm
There once was a very drunk man,
Who tried to have sex with a van!
He raised up the hood,
And said ” It’s all good”
‘Til his “thing” got whacked off by the fan!
Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter
@Darren
ROTFLMAO!
Oh, I guess he wanted a grill, just like the grill that . . .
Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter
Yes, but did the van say no?
Good one, Darren!
This brings a new meaning to “Autoeroticism”
What makes you think the van is female? Anyway, it’s a good thing that no animals were in the vicinity……