Submitted By Mark Esposito, Guest Blogger
By the Court: Is there any reason why you couldn’t serve as a juror in this case?
By a Potential Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
The Court: Can’t they do without you at work?
Potential Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know that.
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By Attorney: Have you ever heard of Sigmund Freud?
By Juror: Yes.
Attorney: What have you heard?
Juror: He’s in Las Vegas.
By the Court: I think you’re thinking of Siegfried & Roy, aren’t you?
Juror: That’s what I’m doing.
Attorney: This guy was a little older than that.
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By Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
By the Court: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
The Court (addressing the public defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
By the Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
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By Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
By Witness: He said, “Where am I Cheryl?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Kathy.
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By Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
By Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
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By Attorney: So, you are unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then?
By Witness: Mr. Stewart gave me artificial insemination — you know, mouth-to-mouth.
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By Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
By Witness: The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.
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By Attorney: Remember all your responses must be oral. OK? Now, what school do you go to?
By Witness: Oral.
Attorney: How old are you?
Witness: Oral.
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By Attorney: Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
By Witness: No — this is how I usually dress when I go to work.
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By Attorney: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
By Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs — did they go up also?
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By the Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
By the Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
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The Absentee Witness. In a criminal case, the defense counsel had just moved for continuance on the grounds that a defense witness was not present in court. The rest follows:
By the Court: Well why don’t we call the list of witnesses and see who’s here?
[The list of witnesses was called in open court and the supposedly “absent” witness answered “Present”]
By the Defense Attorney: Your Honor, I move for continuance on the grounds of surprise. He promised me he wouldn’t be here.
Source: Gavel2Gavel.com
~Mark Esposito, Guest Blogger