The Ultimate Bailout: Senator Proposes Suicide Pact With Business

Iowa Sen. Charles Grassley has come up with the bailout for executives: suicide. Grassley suggested that AIG executives do the honorable thing and commit Seppuku. The problem is of course that ten of his colleagues immediately demanded $10 billion for the study of Seppuku techniques and the creation of Seppuku centers as part of the proposed second bailout bill.

Grassley was speaking with the Cedar Rapids, Iowa, radio station WMT when he said: “I suggest, you know, obviously, maybe they ought to be removed,” Grassley said. “But I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them if they’d follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, I’m sorry, and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide.”

Of course all of the outrage on the Hill is meant to distract attention from the fact that members and the White House did not care enough to properly structure the bailout to bar such payments. Instead, as is often the case, they rushed to spend hundreds of billions of dollars without proper time or preparation on the details like an economic Patriot Act debacle. It is little surprise that we now have members seeking a formal suicide pact with business.

Grassley may have hit upon the ultimate Obama-esque plan for change. After all, as the song says “Suicide is painless. It brings on many changes.”

For those AIG executives considering the final option, here is a tape of Suicide is Painless from MASH and the lyrics are below.

For the full story, here.

Through early morning fog I see

visions of the things to be

the pains that are withheld for me

I realize and I can see…

[REFRAIN]:

that suicide is painless

It brings on many changes

and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make

all our little joys relate

without that ever-present hate

but now I know that it’s too late, and…

[REFRAIN]

The game of life is hard to play

I’m gonna lose it anyway

The losing card I’ll someday lay

so this is all I have to say.

[REFRAIN]

The only way to win is cheat

And lay it down before I’m beat

and to another give my seat

for that’s the only painless feat.

[REFRAIN]

The sword of time will pierce our skins

It doesn’t hurt when it begins

But as it works its way on in

The pain grows stronger…watch it grin, but…

[REFRAIN]

A brave man once requested me

to answer questions that are key

is it to be or not to be

and I replied ‘oh why ask me?’

[REFRAIN]

‘Cause suicide is painless

it brings on many changes

and I can take or leave it if I please.

…and you can do the same thing if you please.