My Totally Radiculous Ride: Fourteen-Year-Old Boy in Chicago Tricks Police Into Giving Him a Squad Car and Assignment for Five Hours

The Chicago Police Department is struggling to explain this morning how a 14-year-old boy walked into Grand Crossing District station impersonating a police officer and was given an assignment in a squad car for five hours before anyone realized that he was too young to drive, let one patrol the streets of the city.

It was reportedly not until he returned to do paperwork that officers noticed that he had no badge and no gun. The uniform appears to have been stolen and the boy has been arrested previously for impersonating an officer.

Deputy Superintendent Daniel Dugan insists that the kids really looks older than his age — missing the fact that anyone who appears an adult can just grab a patrol car and start police work in Chicago.

The kid is being charged as a juvenile with impersonating an officer.

As the father of four and a native Chicagoan, I am immediately offering a consulting contract to the Chicago Police Department. I propose that we include my $10 million “Juvenile Detection Consultation” contract in the homeland security bill. As a taste, here are a few telltale signs for spotting a juvenile pretending to be a police officer.

The Top Ten Ways To Spot a Juvenile Officer in Your Squad Car:

1. The new officer insists on playing his DS non-stop on patrol and when eating lunch and when taking bathroom breaks.

2. The new officer’s uniform includes a Hanna Montana sticker.

3. Every time the new officer arrests someone he screams “Sweet!”

4. On doughnut stops, the new officer only eats the icing and demands a second doughnut because they gave his partner two.

5. The new officer insists on ticketing the cars of math and science teachers at a local high school.

6. The new officer thinks “Miranda” is a reference to Miranda Cosgrove .

7. Whenever you put on your siren, your new partner starts singing “Touch It” by Mary J. Blige, Missy Elliott and Rah Digga.

8. The new officer thinks that references to the “bench” means the five positions in the Pokémon TCG layout.

9. When the radio tells you to follow up on a call regarding “a grand theft auto on first,” your partner brags that he has Grand Theft Auto IV.

10. When you ask when your new partner went to Police Academy, he says that he went at least seven times, including all five sequels.

A glossary of teen slang is available for future ride-alongs, here.

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