Heinz Drops Classic Ketchup Packet and Destroys The Hopes and Dreams of Children Around the Country

In a shocking development, Heinz company is about to issue a new package for ketchup. No one seems to realize the clear import of this thoughtless corporate act for children across the country.

One of the most defining moments for all adolescents in this country is the use of creamers or ketchup packages for the classic fork in the eye prank. The prank is ideally performed near an old lady in a nearby table with a packet secreted in your palm. What type of inhibited children will we be raising once we move to peel-back packets?

Indeed, this is only likely to increase the common danger of getting the ketchup in your eyes during execution:

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