Heinz Drops Classic Ketchup Packet and Destroys The Hopes and Dreams of Children Around the Country

In a shocking development, Heinz company is about to issue a new package for ketchup. No one seems to realize the clear import of this thoughtless corporate act for children across the country.

One of the most defining moments for all adolescents in this country is the use of creamers or ketchup packages for the classic fork in the eye prank. The prank is ideally performed near an old lady in a nearby table with a packet secreted in your palm. What type of inhibited children will we be raising once we move to peel-back packets?

Indeed, this is only likely to increase the common danger of getting the ketchup in your eyes during execution:

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11 thoughts on “Heinz Drops Classic Ketchup Packet and Destroys The Hopes and Dreams of Children Around the Country”

  1. I always liked loosening the salt shakers lids at the local burger shop and stand outside to watch the next unexpecting patron load his fries or burgers with a pound of salt!

  2. Don’t underestimate the ingenuity of kids – these new packets will inspire new pranks, new ways to squeeze/stomp them to squirt their contents, etc.

  3. I used to be a master at opening a ton of the old school packets and then squeezing a giant glob of ketchup on my french fries in the cafeteria. Now kids will be restricted by the new technology. What are they going to do next, make shatter-proof sporks?

  4. Does this mean with the new packaging that it is moving closer to it own food group?

    I was looking at stock the other day and I was surprise to see that it was an LLC it was not incorporated. Something that caught my attention it is not just the NYSE anymore its also the euronext. Does anyone know what this really means?


    I have heard that at some point our dollars will be converted to Ameros under the NAU.


  5. This is a sad day for “meepers”. Sure, other ketchup is red, but everyone knows Heinz used to be the choice of practical jokers.

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