Grounded: Catholic “Angelologist” Announces Angels Have No Wings

Angels may be de-winged this year after the Catholic Church’s “angelologist” Father Renzo Lavatori announced that they in fact do not have wings. Instead, he says that they are surrounded by shards of light. After all, it is important not to let imaginations get ahead of religious fact. However, what do we do with all of our Christmas decorations and tree-top angels? It is not clear if a class action is being developed for compensation or reparations.

The startling disclosure came at a conference this month in Rome where Father Lavatori announced a “re-discovery” of angels. He explains that the wing thing is so last millennium. He explained that “You do not see angels so much as feel their presence – they are a bit like sunlight that refracts on you through a crystal vase.”

Art historian Professor Valerio Massimo Manfredi noted at the conference that the word “angelos” came more than 3,000 years ago from the Mycenaean civilization in Greece and meant “messenger” in ancient Greek. Monsignor Giovanni Tonucci then explained that artists let their imaginations go wild in the depictions. Father Lavatori then stated “you have to understand that these are not real representations. Angels do not have wings or look like cherubs.” They still visit Earth and do angelic things but saying that they have wings is obviously ridiculous.

The news will come as a bit of a shock to Clarence who worked pretty darn hard on the whole wing attainment program. It is a bit of a bait and switch for Clarence.

Father Lavatori also doubles as a “demonologist” — which gives him something of a monopoly on supernatural beings. I wonder if demons can claim a professional conflict of interest in his work with angels. The conflict was apparent in the lack of equal time for the beings under his supervision. Father Lavatori noted that “Pope Francis talks more about the devil than about angels and I think rightly so. But it’s still early, he will get round to the angels too.”

Well, I might tread lightly before I go ripping off wings. Those cherubs might go a bit more quietly than Michael who is known to go around with a sword and a bit of a temper.