Russian Orthodox Church Priest Consecrates Holy Anti-Aircraft Missile Of Antioch

By Darren Smith, Weekend Contributor

Move over Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, the Russians have a more potent form of holy-war materiel.

On November 29^th, Russian Military Forces deployed at Dzankoy, Crimea an S-400 Anti-Aircraft System as part of its military occupation of the peninsula. Not to be without an appropriate blessing for this divinely inspired weapon system, the military arranged for consecration of these Anti-Aircraft Missiles of Antioch by priests of the Orthodox Church of the Moscow Patriarchate.

Pie erucae dominus
Dona eis requiem

The original video of the blessing and dedication may be beheld here:

https://ru.krymr.com/a/video-rossiyskie-rakery-v-krymu/29629691.html

I am as your author unable to translate the video into the English. Yet, through the miracle of the Internet I consulted the writings of Saint Jimmy Whales and found what I believe to be the appropriate invocation chanted prior to launch:

“And Saint Putin raised the missile silos up on high, saying, “O LORD, bless this Thy Anti-Aircraft Missile that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies from the heavens, in Thy mercy.” And the LORD did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and borscht and sturgeon caviar and orangutans and C-Rations, and MREs. And the LORD spake, saying, “First shalt thou consult the Holy RADAR, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Anti-Aircraft Missile of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being in thy sights, shall snuff it.”

Blessed be the Rocketeers, for they shall chase the angels back to heaven.

~+~

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