Russian Orthodox Church Priest Consecrates Holy Anti-Aircraft Missile Of Antioch

By Darren Smith, Weekend Contributor

Move over Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, the Russians have a more potent form of holy-war materiel.

On November 29th, Russian Military Forces deployed at Dzankoy, Crimea an S-400 Anti-Aircraft System as part of its military occupation of the peninsula. Not to be without an appropriate blessing for this divinely inspired weapon system, the military arranged for consecration of these Anti-Aircraft Missiles of Antioch by priests of the Orthodox Church of the Moscow Patriarchate.

Pie erucae dominus
Dona eis requiem

The original video of the blessing and dedication may be beheld here:

I am as your author unable to translate the video into the English. Yet, through the miracle of the Internet I consulted the writings of Saint Jimmy Whales and found what I believe to be the appropriate invocation chanted prior to launch:

“And Saint Putin raised the missile silos up on high, saying, “O LORD, bless this Thy Anti-Aircraft Missile that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies from the heavens, in Thy mercy.” And the LORD did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and borscht and sturgeon caviar and orangutans and C-Rations, and MREs. And the LORD spake, saying, “First shalt thou consult the Holy RADAR, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Anti-Aircraft Missile of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being in thy sights, shall snuff it.”

Blessed be the Rocketeers, for they shall chase the angels back to heaven.


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22 thoughts on “Russian Orthodox Church Priest Consecrates Holy Anti-Aircraft Missile Of Antioch”

  1. I loved The Holy Hand Grenade. How shalt thou count again?

    Didn’t our girls on the assembly lines in WWII smooch the missiles they manufactured?

  2. Invocation from the Commissioning Ceremony of the USS Colorado (SSN-778) last March. See video at 15:20:

    The Tomahawk missiles on our nuclear powered attack submarine can take out their measly little anti-aircraft missile launcher any day. We should count our blessings.

    And on a more timely note: Hail Mary, full of grace, Notre Dame’s in second – sorry, make that third – place.

  3. More saber-rattling for the benefit of Ukraine. Bet they wish they’d kept and blessed their nukes!

  4. And god bless the T-90 tanks and the Mig 25s. And don’t forget the Typhoon class missle submarines. Blessed be the peacemakers!

    1. “Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.” And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals … “

      1. Oh, how I would love to be able to time travel just to be an extra in one of their scenes. We don’t have their equal today.

  5. What’s depicted there is, if I’m not mistaken, a generic blessing, not a ‘consecration’. The general run of inanimate objects are not subject to consecration in the Eastern Churches, only very specific objects (e.g. a church building). Here’s a discussion of why blessings are undertaken:

  6. Hail Mary, full of Grace. It is time to blow up, the human race.
    May the Lard be with you on Sunday.
    Krisco on Monday.

  7. It’s an interesting story. Before the Russian Revolution, church and state were too close. Now it sounds like they’ve gone full circle. And once again the church is playing a big role.

    1. Peter Hill – How much of it is really influential and how much of it is for show?

      1. What’s the point of show if it hasn’t any hold on the imagination?

        Religious observance in Russia in any given week hasn’t in the last generation differed much from the European median. It’s just that the Russian political class is commonly congenial to the Church rather than contemptuous or indifferent, and the Church itself has not been suborned by the purveyors or mass entertainment or the mental health trade.

    2. The military employs chaplains in just about any occidental country where madcap secularism has yet to take hold. Get over it.

    1. Uh, no. I think the point of the blessing is a petition that the object in question be put to God’s purposes.

      1. I think the point of the blessing is a petition that the object in question be put to God’s purposes.

        Uh, no. The point was to make all who would observe believe their cause was righteous. Whatever this blessing was, I seriously doubt it warrants becoming the 9th Beatitude:

        – Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
        – Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.
        – Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.
        – Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.
        – Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
        – Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God.
        – Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
        – Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the
        kingdom of heaven.

        1. Uh, no. The point was to make all who would observe believe their cause was righteous.

          Really? What’s the text of the blessing? And who was observing them?

  8. There is nothing new about such ceremonies. they go back to the dawn of time. Congress does it even when it means they are authorizing a war. In the Army we had a special St. Michael’s Day parachute drop and then attended services on the drop zone with an alter of stacked parachutes.

    Religious ceremonies have been part and parcel of the war efforts since day one stemming from blessing cannons on ships, regimental colors and chalking phrases on bombs.”…Let God sort them out.” is a common phrase as is the wearing of St. Christophers, crosses and miniature bhuddas.

    Our feeling was hey we aren’t humping boonies or stacking supplies or stringing wire and it often produced the calm before the storm. Don’t expect those who aren’t involved to understand why i had a cross, as bhudda and a christopher and a star of david- just in case but it was worth the weight.

    As a leader i used them to put around the necks of the wounded awaiting med evac or awaiting the next go at it to start up again .

    It was only important that it helped and kept us all mission ready. For some especially those that didn’t make it who did have a faith it set their mind at ease.

    now what do the other side have to help practice amateur psychology? or a progressive wondering if ocasio was going to get their tax cut taken away as she did the jobs of her co workers in NYC.

    Well she probably quoted John Lennon or Nancy Pelosi There are always true believers until…. that last second when life becomes a foxhole and one finds no athiests who smile at the thought when they die.

    For the rest of you. It’s not your business. Yours stopped when you voted for more wars and we all know which party that meant .


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