In celebration of Valentine’s Day, I give you the best criminal cases from the last year of amorous relationships gone bad. There are times when society simply does not understand the attraction of a man to a park bench, mannequin, or car vacuum. That is what this special day is all about on the Larceny of Love. Below are the 2009 winners of the Valentine Villains of Forbidden Love.
After all, let us not forget that this day memorializes a criminal. Valentine was a priest from the third century in Rome who secretly married people after Emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage for young men (to make them better soldiers). He was put to death for his crimes.
Criminal defense lawyers must always warn their clients that, in the words of William Shakespeare, “Love all, trust a few.”
In honor of St. Valentine, here is this year’s five top choices for those jailed for forbidden love.
Harold M. Hoffman was charged for his loving relationship with blow up dolls. Cape Coral Police say that witnesses observed him “performing activity to two different blow up dolls in his vehicle that was consistent with masturbation and other simulated sexual activity.” He was also accused of “aggressively” kissing the dolls.
Arthur Price was arrested simply because the object of his affection was park bench. Price has allegedly admitted to having the human-on-picnic-table encounters and was charged with four counts of public indecency.
The vacuum man arrested after being caught in flagrante delicto with a car wash vacuum. In Thomas Township, Michigan, police arrested a 29-year-old man for “receiving sexual favors from a vacuum” at a car wash. As Hoover once advertised, “Nobody does it like Hoover.”
Edward Smith who consummated his relationship with various cars. Smith has publicly admitted that he has made love to over 1000 cars, including his current serious relationship with ,a white Volkswagen Beetle (Love Bug) named Vanilla.
Ronald A. Dotson who was jailed to keep him from continuing to assault mannequins.
Runners-up include another man was arrested for a liaison with a gate and yet another with bicycle, here and here.
These are the Valentine Villains of Love for 2009. If Barbara De Angelis was correct when she said “Love is a choice you make from moment to moment,” these were the wrong choices.
