hp-history-of-valentineIn celebration of Valentine’s Day, I give you the best criminal cases from the last year of amorous relationships gone bad. There are times when society simply does not understand the attraction of a man to a park bench, mannequin, or car vacuum. That is what this special day is all about on the Larceny of Love. Below are the 2009 winners of the Valentine Villains of Forbidden Love.

After all, let us not forget that this day memorializes a criminal. Valentine was a priest from the third century in Rome who secretly married people after Emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage for young men (to make them better soldiers). He was put to death for his crimes.

Criminal defense lawyers must always warn their clients that, in the words of William Shakespeare, “Love all, trust a few.”

In honor of St. Valentine, here is this year’s five top choices for those jailed for forbidden love.

0205091insidemug1Harold M. Hoffman was charged for his loving relationship with blow up dolls. Cape Coral Police say that witnesses observed him “performing activity to two different blow up dolls in his vehicle that was consistent with masturbation and other simulated sexual activity.” He was also accused of “aggressively” kissing the dolls.

genthumbashx Arthur Price was arrested simply because the object of his affection was park bench. Price has allegedly admitted to having the human-on-picnic-table encounters and was charged with four counts of public indecency.

The vacuum man arrested after being caught in flagrante delicto with a car wash vacuum. In Thomas Township, Michigan, police arrested a 29-year-old man for “receiving sexual favors from a vacuum” at a car wash. As Hoover once advertised, “Nobody does it like Hoover.”

Edward Smith who consummated his relationship with various cars. Smith has publicly admitted that he has made love to over 1000 cars, including his current serious relationship with ,a white Volkswagen Beetle (Love Bug) named Vanilla.

180px-figurenRonald A. Dotson who was jailed to keep him from continuing to assault mannequins.

Runners-up include another man was arrested for a liaison with a gate and yet another with bicycle, here and here.

These are the Valentine Villains of Love for 2009. If Barbara De Angelis was correct when she said “Love is a choice you make from moment to moment,” these were the wrong choices.


  1. Ah wow, course correction here!

    I was away from Turley world for a few days and just came across this post.
    I have never served in the U. S. military. Nor do I suffer from PTSD.
    Although I respect the warrior archetype and those who serve with integrity I have not experienced that. PTSD, no but blessings to those that fight it.
    Ah I’m not sure what I wrote to indicate that I had served apologies to anyone who was misled by something I wrote here.

    BIL happy belated birthday. My anniversary into this 3 D ride isn’t for a couple of months.

  2. You are very welcome. Now you can celebrate your birth whenever you please.

    I highly recommend the Gorgonzola Fig(jam) pizza AND also the prosciutto and carmelized onion pizza!! The Figs Table pizza dough and basic tomato sauce recipes are the ones I use for pizzas all year and were posted here last summer-during grilling season.


  3. Patty,

    If a way to man’s heart is through his stomach, you have the skills of an expert tracker with GPS. Thank you for the lovely gift and remembering my fondness for capers.

  4. Patty C:

    You know I did print that one out. I think I have Monday dinner taken care of now. Thanks.

  5. You poor thing…!

    I love gorgonzola. You have my white pizza recipe with gorgonzola, prosciutto, fig jam, garlic and rosemary, yes? From ‘The Figs Table’. I pair it with Pinot ‘Nero'(or Noir)-lighter and fruitier than cabernet. Yummy, too.

    Buddham LOVES capers, apparently, so I pulled out a few oldies but goodies.

  6. Patty C:

    Wow a tour de force. I had to make do tonight with some tortellini with Gorgonzola sauce. A nice little Cobblestone Cabernet on the side too.

  7. Like JT and Mike S., I have been mostly otherwise engaged, of late.

    For Buddha and all turlee Water-Bearers, I have put together some of my favorite ‘caper capers’. By chance, these are all from ‘Cooking Light’, but I add a hearty “Bon Appetit”!

    Greek Chicken with Capers and Raisins in Feta Sauce
    4 servings

    * 4 (4-ounce) skinned, boned chicken breast halves
    * 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
    * 1 teaspoon dried oregano
    * 1 tablespoon olive oil
    * 1 cup thinly sliced onion
    * 3 garlic cloves, minced
    * 1 1/2 cups fat-free, less-sodium chicken broth
    * 1/3 cup golden raisins
    * 2 tablespoons lemon juice
    * 2 tablespoons capers
    * 1/4 cup (1 ounce) crumbled feta cheese
    * 4 thin lemon slices


    Place each chicken breast half between 2 sheets of heavy-duty plastic wrap; flatten to 1/4-inch thickness using a meat mallet or rolling pin. Combine flour and oregano in a shallow dish; dredge chicken in flour mixture.

    Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add chicken; cook 5 minutes on each side. Remove chicken from pan; keep warm. Add onion and garlic to pan; sauté 2 minutes. Stir in broth, raisins, and lemon juice; cook 3 minutes, scraping pan to loosen browned bits. Return chicken to pan. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 10 minutes or until chicken is done. Remove chicken from pan; keep warm. Add capers and cheese to pan, stirring with a whisk; top each chicken breast with 1/4 cup sauce and 1 lemon slice.
    Nutritional Information

    256 (23% from fat)
    6.5g (sat 1.9g,mono 3.2g,poly 0.7g)

    Cooking Light, JULY 1999

    French West Indian Grilled Snapper with Caper Sauce

    Here’s how fish is served at the open-air cook shacks lining the beaches of Guadeloupe. The marinade features the four essential seasonings of the French West Indies: lime juice, garlic, fresh thyme, and Scotch bonnet chiles. This recipe calls for snapper, but any firm white fish will work. We left the seeds in the pepper, but you can omit them for a milder flavor. This is great with Rice and Pigeon Peas.

    4 servings (serving size: 1 fillet and 2 tablespoons sauce)

    * Marinade:
    * 1/4 cup fresh lime juice
    * 1 teaspoon salt
    * 1 teaspoon fresh or 1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
    * 1 teaspoon black pepper
    * 3 garlic cloves, chopped
    * 1 to 2 Scotch bonnet or habanero peppers, minced
    * 4 (6-ounce) red snapper or other firm white fish fillets

    Caper sauce:
    * 2 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
    * 2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
    * 2 tablespoons water
    * 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
    * 1 tablespoon capers
    * 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
    * 1 1/2 teaspoons minced Scotch bonnet or habanero pepper
    * 1/4 teaspoon salt
    * 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
    * 1 garlic clove, chopped
    * 1 large shallot, chopped
    * Cooking spray


    To prepare marinade, place first 6 ingredients in a blender; process until smooth. Combine marinade and fish in a large zip-top plastic bag; seal. Marinate in refrigerator 2 to 4 hours, turning bag occasionally.

    Prepare grill.

    To prepare caper sauce, place cilantro and next 10 ingredients (cilantro through shallot) in a blender or food processor; process until smooth.

    Remove fish from marinade, discard marinade. Place fish on grill rack coated with cooking spray; grill 3 minutes on each side or until fish flakes easily when tested with a fork. Serve with caper sauce.

    Nutritional Information

    246 (35% from fat)
    9.6g (sat 1.5g,mono 5.5g,poly 1.6g)

    Steven Raichlen, Cooking Light, MAY 2001


    Smoked-Salmon Pizza with Mascarpone and Capers

    Mascarpone is a rich, buttery cheese with a delicate, creamy texture.

    6 servings (serving size: 1 pizza)

    * 3 cups bread flour
    * 1 cup warm water (100° to 110°)
    * 1 tablespoon olive oil
    * 2 1/2 teaspoons bread-machine yeast
    * 1/2 teaspoon salt
    * Cooking spray
    * 2 cups sliced green onions (about 2 bunches)
    * 1/2 teaspoon cracked black pepper
    * 6 tablespoons (about 3 ounces) mascarpone cheese
    * 6 ounces thinly sliced smoked salmon
    * 1 tablespoon capers
    * 6 lemon wedges


    Lightly spoon flour into dry measuring cups; level with a knife. Follow manufacturer’s instructions for placing flour and the next 4 ingredients (flour through salt) into bread pan, and select dough cycle; start bread machine.

    Remove dough from machine (do not bake). Turn the dough out onto a floured surface, and knead for 30 seconds. Cover dough; let rest 10 minutes.

    Preheat oven to 425°.

    Divide dough into 6 equal portions. Roll each portion into a 9-inch circle on a lightly floured surface. Cover baking sheets with parchment paper, and place dough rounds on pans. Lightly coat top of dough with cooking spray. Cover and let rise in a warm place (85°), free from drafts, 15 minutes or until puffy.

    Divide the onions and pepper evenly among dough rounds. Bake at 425° for 10 minutes. Remove from oven; drop 3 teaspoonfuls of cheese onto each round. Arrange 1 ounce smoked salmon on top of each pizza, and divide capers evenly among pizzas.

    Bake the pizzas an additional 8 minutes or until the cheese melts. Serve pizzas with lemon wedges.
    Nutritional Information

    390 (27% from fat)
    11.8g (sat 4.3g,mono 4.4g,poly 1.5g)

    Cooking Light, JANUARY 200

  8. A belated happy birthday to Buddha and to CEJ, if that is the case. I’ve been out of the loop and under the sun. Jill BM is the perfect sobriquet for the man, but in his case the less heard the better. Buddha you “Light up my life lately,” in a manly kind of way of course. That’s not BM but the same quality of work.

  9. CCD,

    Happy Late Birthday! I am so remiss! Mea culpa. I have failed a brother Aquarian!

    And I echo Jill and CEJ on the PTSD. I have a family member who suffers horribly from it (although unrelated to the war) and I wish you health and happiness.


    Jill is correct. Your posts are always a positive contribution.

  10. CEJ,

    Please write in more often. It’s not true that people have already said what you were going to say. I’ve learned so much from you.


    I missed where you said you had served and came away with PTSD. I wish to echo everything CEJ said above. I am so sorry that you are living with PTSD. That is very difficult. I repect what you say and hope you keep writing. I’m not certain if I understood from CEJ that your birthday just past, if so: HAPPY BIRTHDAY




    I was putting in the Barry Manilow lyric as payback to JT for making us suffer so many prior BM’s in his previous posts!

  11. Professor and other well wishers,

    Thank you all so very much. One lives to be of service. I’m going to resist having a Sally Field moment, but as I go about today with the intent of laughing as much as possible, I carry your kindness with me. With people like you in this world, I have little doubt that the Constitution and the rule of law will be eventually restored and the guilty brought low. Justice comes not from the end of a gun barrel, but from thoughtful and fair people of conscience like yourselves.

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