New Jersey City Finds Solution to Solving Street Crime: Get Rid of the People

The officials in Paterson, New Jersey appear to be closing in on the problem of crime in their city: the citizens. The city is considering the first citywide curfew on adults to curb crime. No people, no crime — that sounds simple enough.

The ordinance would prevent people of all ages from gathering outside in public late at night. Major Jose Torres insists that “[w]e’re trying to think outside the box.” The box being the Constitution in this case.

For glimpses into the new Patterson, one can watch Twelve Monkeys or the Omega Man:

D.C. Attorney General Peter Nickles recently thought outside of the box and put up checkpoints to close off whole neighborhoods in Washington — an obviously unconstitutional measure that was rejected by a conservative panel of federal appellate judges recently.

Under the plan, the curfew would last for two months and bar people from loitering outside from midnight to 7 a.m. Violators would face up to a $2,000 fine and 90 days in jail. You would not be arrested if you are in “transit” which presumably means that you have to keep moving in Patterson.

Brilliant. We must all start thinking outside of the box. Today, I am announcing the new plan to avoid overcrowding and heavy teaching load at the law school by eliminating students. They will, of course, (like the tax-paying citizens of Patterson) be required to pay tuition. However, our halls will be safe from congestion and complaint.

If successful, Patterson could be the new Pyongyang, a citizen paradise:

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