New Jersey City Finds Solution to Solving Street Crime: Get Rid of the People

coatofarmsThe officials in Paterson, New Jersey appear to be closing in on the problem of crime in their city: the citizens. The city is considering the first citywide curfew on adults to curb crime. No people, no crime — that sounds simple enough.

1391225133909377The ordinance would prevent people of all ages from gathering outside in public late at night. Major Jose Torres insists that “[w]e’re trying to think outside the box.” The box being the Constitution in this case.

For glimpses into the new Patterson, one can watch Twelve Monkeys or the Omega Man:

D.C. Attorney General Peter Nickles recently thought outside of the box and put up checkpoints to close off whole neighborhoods in Washington — an obviously unconstitutional measure that was rejected by a conservative panel of federal appellate judges recently.

Under the plan, the curfew would last for two months and bar people from loitering outside from midnight to 7 a.m. Violators would face up to a $2,000 fine and 90 days in jail. You would not be arrested if you are in “transit” which presumably means that you have to keep moving in Patterson.

Brilliant. We must all start thinking outside of the box. Today, I am announcing the new plan to avoid overcrowding and heavy teaching load at the law school by eliminating students. They will, of course, (like the tax-paying citizens of Patterson) be required to pay tuition. However, our halls will be safe from congestion and complaint.

If successful, Patterson could be the new Pyongyang, a citizen paradise:

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6 thoughts on “New Jersey City Finds Solution to Solving Street Crime: Get Rid of the People”

  1. So the answer to crime in the US is to institute an evening curfew everywhere. How come we didn’t think of it before? Oh yeah, that inconvenience we call the constitution and maybe the desire not to be a totalitarian police state.

  2. Being very familiar with the City of Paterson,It is no different than any other city in these times that we live.
    The youth have no where to go,and how many Basketball games can you play.No movie theatres,etc.

    I am quite sure that when many of us were younger things were pretty much the opposite.

    Most inner cities are no different than Paterson and its problems.

  3. If you don’t like the people in the city that you manage, then just encourage them to move. The south has been known for it house warming’s for the select few.

    I do understand that crime/drugs are the goal to eradicate. Is it to much to expect the cops/LEO to say out of the Doughnut Shops and actually walk the beat? Or are they too scared to patrol these streets?

    The above was said only in Humor.

  4. Next?

    Patterson plans to introduce “uniforms” to the “citizens” and set up check points. If everything goes as planned, they’ll bring in the dogs and concertina wire next year.

    I say it’s stuff like this that will lead to We the People decreasing the Federal budget and brining accountability to D.C. by eliminating politicians between the hours of 12 PM and 12 PM.

    Call it a “Citizen’s Curfew”.

    Or maybe your Chamber of Commerce should change their logo to “Patterson! Leading the way in repressive social policy!”

    Idiots.

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