All Dogs Go To Heaven: Church Begins Pet Ministry

Calvary Episcopal Church has started what is billed as the first service for animals: the “Perfect Paws Pet Ministry” to gain Heaven for pets that heed and heel upon hearing the word of God.

The Danvers church will hold the pet masses on the third Sunday of every month (it appears pets need one-fourth of the religious guidance of adults).

In the interests of assisting pets to paradise, here is a variation of the 10 Commandments for dogs:

I. Thou shalt have no other dogs before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

III. Thou shalt not chew unto any graven image.

IV. Thou shalt keep the living room couch holy.

V. Thou shalt honor thy owner and thy pet trainer.

VI. Thou shalt not kill They Neighbor’s Cat.

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery with the neighbor’s poodle.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal the bones of other dogs.

IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness by barking through the night.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods or bury those goods in the backyard.

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