If We Have Accidentally Beheaded A Loved One, Press Or Say “One”: Al Qaeda in Syria Opens Complaint Line

Now this is progress. The Al-Qaeda branch in northern Syria has opened a complaints department to hear any concerns of people living under its control. We recently saw how Islamic rebels beheaded one of their own soldiers and pranced around with his head only to learn later that he was a wounded comrade. Then there are the acid attacks on women who want to go to school and the destruction of religious sites. That could be a long prompt list for designated categories of abuse since out-sourcing to India seems an unlikely choice for the Islamic extremists.

Al Qaeda is attempting to show that it can govern fairly by declaring “Anyone who might have a complaint against any element of the Islamic state, whether the Emir or an ordinary soldier, can come and submit their complaint in any headquarters building of the Islamic state. The complaint should be in writing, provide details and give evidence.”

In the interests of participatory democracy, we have prepared the prompt line for the Al Qaeda complaint line:

“Hello, you have reached the complaint line of Al Qaeda in Syria, your representatives in the future caliphate. If you have reached this line and are a nonbeliever, please hold on the line until a representative comes to your house for your execution in the name of Allah. If you are a Shiite, please burn in hell. If you are Sunni, please select from one of the following prompts:

If a loved one has been mistakenly beheaded, press or say one.

If we have thrown acid on a girl who was not trying to learn to read, press or say two.

If we have raped your son after capture on the battlefield, press or say three.

If your loved one was mistakenly killed for telling fortunes or being a genie, press or say four.

If you are a homosexual who needs to schedule a hanging date, press or say five.

If you would like to hang a homosexual or execute a non-believer, press or say six.

If you child was mistakenly given a vaccination and would like his or her arm cut off to protect against the Western conspiracy, press or say seven.

If you are a male and a suicide bomber who has not been given a target of innocent civilians or Western relief workers, press or say eight.

If you have seen a piece of art or historic or religious work that we have not destroyed, press or say nine.

Thank you for calling the Al Qaeda complaint line and remember, if you are complaining, you are an abomination in the eyes of Allah and deserve death.