If We Have Accidentally Beheaded A Loved One, Press Or Say “One”: Al Qaeda in Syria Opens Complaint Line

220px-Taliban_beating_woman_in_public_RAWANow this is progress. The Al-Qaeda branch in northern Syria has opened a complaints department to hear any concerns of people living under its control. We recently saw how Islamic rebels beheaded one of their own soldiers and pranced around with his head only to learn later that he was a wounded comrade. Then there are the acid attacks on women who want to go to school and the destruction of religious sites. That could be a long prompt list for designated categories of abuse since out-sourcing to India seems an unlikely choice for the Islamic extremists.

Al Qaeda is attempting to show that it can govern fairly by declaring “Anyone who might have a complaint against any element of the Islamic state, whether the Emir or an ordinary soldier, can come and submit their complaint in any headquarters building of the Islamic state. The complaint should be in writing, provide details and give evidence.”

In the interests of participatory democracy, we have prepared the prompt line for the Al Qaeda complaint line:

“Hello, you have reached the complaint line of Al Qaeda in Syria, your representatives in the future caliphate. If you have reached this line and are a nonbeliever, please hold on the line until a representative comes to your house for your execution in the name of Allah. If you are a Shiite, please burn in hell. If you are Sunni, please select from one of the following prompts:

If a loved one has been mistakenly beheaded, press or say one.

If we have thrown acid on a girl who was not trying to learn to read, press or say two.

If we have raped your son after capture on the battlefield, press or say three.

If your loved one was mistakenly killed for telling fortunes or being a genie, press or say four.

If you are a homosexual who needs to schedule a hanging date, press or say five.

If you would like to hang a homosexual or execute a non-believer, press or say six.

If you child was mistakenly given a vaccination and would like his or her arm cut off to protect against the Western conspiracy, press or say seven.

If you are a male and a suicide bomber who has not been given a target of innocent civilians or Western relief workers, press or say eight.

If you have seen a piece of art or historic or religious work that we have not destroyed, press or say nine.

Thank you for calling the Al Qaeda complaint line and remember, if you are complaining, you are an abomination in the eyes of Allah and deserve death.

16 thoughts on “If We Have Accidentally Beheaded A Loved One, Press Or Say “One”: Al Qaeda in Syria Opens Complaint Line”

  1. Instead of calling by phone, go directly to Washington.



    “— to tell his story: how he watched in horror last year as drone-fired missiles incinerated his nephew and brother-in-law in a remote Yemeni village.
    Mr. Jaber offers a harrowing account of the drone strike. It was the day after his son’s wedding in his native village, Khashamir, and he was eating dinner at home with several relatives when they heard a whirring from the sky. Looking out the window, he and his relatives saw a flash, and then heard a series of terrific crashes, “as if the whole mountain had exploded.” The village erupted in panic.

    Mr. Jaber’s daughter, who was very close to the strike, was so traumatized that she did not get out of bed for three weeks, he said. The mother of one of the dead men went into a coma after she heard the news and died a month later.

    When Mr. Jaber arrived on the scene that night, less than a mile from his house, he found bits of charred human flesh spread on the ground, he said. It was not until two hours later, through the accounts of witnesses, that the identities of the dead men and what had happened to them became clear.

    Mr. Jaber’s brother-in-law, the imam, had been approached earlier that evening by three Qaeda militants who were angry about a speech the imam had delivered condemning terrorism. The imam reluctantly agreed to talk to the men, but just in case he was accompanied by Mr. Jaber’s nephew, the policeman. The volley of missiles killed all five men.
    Like most Yemenis, Mr. Jaber deplores the influence of Al Qaeda in his country, which is one of the world’s poorest. He fears that the drone strikes are fostering greater militancy and anger at America. But above all, he finds the administration’s silence baffling. “

  2. How about WH complaint lines for:
    (Separate lines for under-age victims)
    Drone strikes on civillians
    Depleted uranium from US munitions causing illness and birth defects
    Cluster munitions
    Agent Orange

    “Hello. You have reached the xxxxxx complaints line. Your call would be important to us were it not for the fact that we are exceptional.
    Press 1 or 2 or 3 – or indeed any button. Go ahead. Knock yourself out. This is a Premium line and you are paying for the call.”

  3. Yes, AQ are definitly one up on the US.

    How about..

    “WASHINGTON, Nov 21 (Reuters) – The U.S. House of Representatives intelligence committee rejected a proposal on Thursday that would have required U.S. spy agencies to make an annual public accounting of the number of casualties caused by U.S. drone attacks on militants overseas.”

    Here’s the really good bit:
    “Congressional Republicans privately have argued that making such casualty totals public is a bad idea because at present, U.S. drone strikes against militants overseas are largely conducted as “covert actions” under intelligence-related legal authorizations.
    Acknowledging drone strikes publicly could compromise the ability of the United States to conduct intelligence operations, they argue.”

    Let’s say that the drone stikes – which absolutly nobody knows about because they are covert actions…… suddenly became public knowledge.

    AQ.1: Hey! You won’t believe this….. all those explosions aound the place killing some of us AQ and often a bunch of other men, women and children …. They are caused by US missiles!!
    AQ.2: Wut? But we all believed that these were meteorite strikes.
    AQ.1: No. It says here that something called a drone fires missiles.
    AQ.2: Drone? What’s that?
    AQ.1: It’s a small remotely-controlled aeroplane. Apparently we can tell if they are around because they make a low buzzing sound.
    AQ.2: Oh thank goodness!! I’ve been getting a buzzing sound in my ears lately. I was really worried that I was developing hearing problems.

    The “Congerssional Republicans” mentioned in the article are either deeply stupid or as cynical as the administration – probably both.
    Their stated position is based on the idea that AQ have no idea what strikes are going on – and therefore they never get to wondering about how the drones/meteorites get to targets.

    The problem for the administration in publishing numbers would be that independent bodies give much higher figures for innocent victims than the administration will ever admit to.

  4. The Al-Qaeda branch in northern Syria has opened a complaints department to hear any concerns of people living under its control.

    It is more than the Obama administration and US courts have done for those to those mistakenly killed via drone strike or have been kidnapped, tortured and detained in the US gulag archipelago for years without any charges never mind a trial.

  5. Guess who spoke this help line:

    In a secret meeting with Ambassador Anatoly Dobrynin, my father told him, “If the situation continues much longer, the president is not sure that the military will not overthrow him and seize power.”

    (A Tale of Coup Cities – 6).

  6. Yes indeed, you can come, submit your complaint and then know how women who are rape victims in those societies feel, when they turn victimhood into a crime. Hmmm, maybe this could b a way in which men of countries that criminalize the female rape victim could learn a lesson in human decency.

  7. Your call, is very important to us. Please remain on the line for the next available operator: (Music/موسيقى) “L-L-L-LLL-LLL-LLLL!!!” {BOOM!}

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