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If The Glands Don’t Fit, You Must Acquit: Prince Andrew Advances Curious Perspiration-Based Defense To Epstein Allegations

It was a defense that would make Johnnie Cochran proud. In an exclusive BBC interview, Prince Andrew insisted that he could not have had sex with an underaged girl arranged by Jeffrey Epstein because he does not perspire and she referenced his “sweating all over me.” This ultimate “no sweat” response is unlikely to convince many given the infamous pictures of the Prince with his arm around Virginia Giuffre at the home of Epstein. It is bad enough to be considered criminal without adding comical in the eyes of your critics. Hence the New York Post headline “His Royal Dryness.”

Andrew told Emily Maitlis that the account of his sweating on the dance floor was the key flaws to prove his innocence:

“There’s a slight problem with, with, with, with the sweating/ Because I have a peculiar medical condition which is that I don’t sweat, or I didn’t sweat at the time … because I had suffered what I would describe as an overdose of adrenaline in the Falklands War when I was shot at. And I simply — it was, it was almost impossible for me to sweat. And it was only because I have done a number of things in the recent past that I am starting to be able to do that again . . . So I’m afraid to say there’s a medical condition that says I didn’t do it.”

He also said that the photo with Giuffre was likely faked because he is not a hugger: “I’m terribly sorry, but if I, as a member of the royal family, and I have a photograph taken — and I taken very, very few photographs — I am not one to, um, as it were, hug. Public displays of affection are not something that, that I do. So. That’s the best explanation I can give you.”

What? I don’t sweat or hug? That may be the most lame defense since Roy Moore claimed that he could not have pursued young girls because he turned down underaged prostitutes in Vietnam. It is certainly comforting to know that Andrew can perspire again, but there remains that other proclivity that remains in doubt.

Andrew, 59, eventually returned to the tried and true defense of having “no recollection” of meeting Giuffre.

He continues to refuse to testify under oath in the U.S. cases.

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