Published October 2004
Where Dwight Eisenhower had the Military-Industrial Complex and Richard Nixon had the Trilateral Commission, George Bush has Karl Rove. If you take all of the conspiracies involving one world order, United Nations black helicopters, fluoridation as mind-control, and Hillary Clinton, and roll them into a pear-shaped figure, you get Karl Rove for liberals.
The Internet is alive with Rove-inspired liberal conspiracy theories. At one site, Rove, President Bush’s senior political adviser, is accused of being the mastermind behind the leak of a CIA agent’s name to punish her husband, former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, for a negative report on weapons of mass destruction. And at a host of other sites, Rove is widely cited as engineering the Iraq war; ordering the halt of major combat operations in Iraq until after Election Day; and crafting a plan for a single-party government, such as Iraq’s Baathist Party. My current favorite was disclosed to me by a close friend who suggested Rove was behind the shortage of flu shots because poor people are more likely to get the flu and stay home sick on Election Day.
It is a political version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Look close enough and you will find links revealing a Rove connection to everything from the rise of rickets in Arkansas to distemper among Labrador retrievers.
Playing Six Degrees of Karl Rove can be the ultimate distraction for liberals anxious about polling results. Just start with the name of some obscure figure hated by liberals, such as the late Jonas Savimbi, the infamous and homicidal leader of the Angolan rebel group National Union for the Total Independence of Angola. Easy. In 1973 Rove ran and won a bitter campaign for chairman of the College Republican National Committee (He won by challenging the votes of his competitor and sending two sets of delegates to the convention floor). The election was so close that the then-chairman of the RNC, George Herbert Walker Bush, had to pick the winner. Rove’s campaign manager was a novice Lee Atwater, and the campaign catapulted Rove and Atwater into national Republican politics. Atwater then went to work as a consultant and secured U.S. support for Savimbi, who then received clandestine support from the United States when Bush went on to become CIA director, vice president and then president.
Rove is perfect for the role of liberal ubervillain. When little liberal kids do not eat their vegetables, they are told about “the Rover” who seeks out weak little liberals to devour and then regurgitate to nestling conservatives. Just unhinge his jaw and he could eat the Democratic National Committee whole.
Rove may soon surpass other Internet cottage conspiracy figures such as Hillary Rodham Clinton. Since I receive a steady stream of Rove-conspiracy e-mails, I would like to contribute two thoroughly researched and proven theories for Internet consumption:
Robotic Rove theory: Rove often is accused of fueling religious zealots with red-meat morality issues such as banning same-sex marriage. But few have explored the possibility that he actually was created by the religious right. First, no one ever has produced a picture of Rove actually drinking water or sleeping. Second, Rove lists his “birth” as Dec. 25, 1950 — an obvious date for religious engineers to launch an anatomical political unit. Third, rearrange the letters in his name and they spell ARK LOVER. Coincidence or a secret code from his faith-based manufacturers?
Karl the extraterrestrial: Rove reportedly green-lighted the Bush plan to colonize space. Many viewed the announcement as a rare and embarrassing overstretch by Rove. But what if Rove’s motivations were not political but extraterrestrial? Consider the fact that Rove is reportedly the one who reversed the administration’s decision to sign the Kyoto accords. Former Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Christine Whitman had spoken with Bush and reportedly was given authority to announce that the U.S. would sign the historic treaty to prevent global warming. When Rove heard the announcement on the news, he quickly reversed the decision and made Whitman retract the statement. Many insist Rove was protecting close allies in the oil industry. However … and here is the link … it was the greenhouse effect that supposedly caused Mars to lose its water and created its barren environment. Now, consider the fact that the administration has sent two “Rovers” to Mars as part of its plan to establish colonies. In the meantime, the administration (via Rove) is seeking steps that could make Earth resemble the Martian planet. Answer: Rove is an extraterrestrial seeking a climatic bond with Earth and eventual cross-colonization.
Sure, the administration has hidden the extraterrestrial influence in the White House for years, but a few unguarded hints have emerged. For example, Bush’s campaign manager, Ken Mehlman, recently was confronted about the notable square bulge in the back of Bush’s suit during the first presidential debate. When it was suggested that Bush was receiving answers from Rove off-stage through a transmitter, Mehlman was asked to deny it. Instead, Mehlman stated that “He’s [Bush] been getting information from Mars.” A joke or an admission?
As someone raised in an ultraleft family from Chicago, I can tell you every bit of this is true — just ask any liberal chat room.