Farewell To Kate Turley Mooneyham

This weekend, the Turley clan and our friends from around the country gathered in the Irish American Heritage Center to mourn our loss of Kate Turley Mooneyham who died recently after a car accident. Kate was 24. She had had a relatively minor car accident and did not realize that the accident had caused internal damage. She went home to rest and my sister, Ange, found her unconscious later that night. Her family and her friends came together on Saturday to share our loss and our memories of this extraordinary person. Many others could not attend. For them, below are pictures of Katie and my eulogy. Many of the pictures show Kate modeling her mother’s clothes from “Turley Road”in Chicago.


Eulogy
KATE MOONEYHAM
November 17, 2012
Irish American Heritage Center
Chicago

What a tragedy. We have all said it to Ange to ourselves to each other. It is the only word that seems to fit the death of a beautiful and talented girl.

It is the mantra of grieving.

Of course, all death is a tragedy. Every loss is in the end a tragic uncompleted work. It is all the more tragic when a life is lived so creatively and death comes so arbitrarily.

No one should die from a minor car accident.

No one should die at 24.

No child should bury a father before she is even 5

. . . and no mother should bury a daughter.

We all want a death to have meaning but it rarely does. What remains is regret, loss, and, above all, . . . pain.

I have been thinking a lot about pain because it was something that my niece knew a lot about. Since her death, I have been reading Kate’s private writings and I have learned a lot more about pain . . . and, to my shame, a lot more about Kate Mooneyham.

© Reprinted By Permission

What emerges from these extraordinary writings is not just a brilliant writer but a profound and personal relationship with pain. On page after page, Kate speaks to the pain that pursued her unrelentlessly in her adult life. It is a struggle detailed in vivid and penetrating prose – writings that speak of an isolation and desperation with pain.

It didn’t begin that way. Twenty-four years ago, I drove with my parents to a suburb of Detroit to meet the newest member of the Turley Clan – Kate Mooneyham. I keep thinking about that day. It was sunny and beautiful. It was the first meeting of Kate with a man who would become central to her life – my father, Jack Turley. He would become a surrogate father after the death of my late brother-in-law, Tom Mooneyham. I remember holding Kate and marveling at her natural beauty even as a baby.

Then there were those early years of Kate. From the start, she took life on her terms. Kate didn’t negotiate terms, she demanded unconditional surrender from life.

When she was a kindergartener, Thomas’ elementary school teacher would repeatedly have to answer pounding on the door only to find Kate demanding to see her big brother. As soon as the door would open, Kate would simply say “Hi, Thomas” and walk back to kindergarten . . . content and victorious.

Then there was the call to Ange from school officials who wanted to discuss the need for more appropriate dress for her daughter. This is not something that you suggest to a fashion designer and Ange went to school intent on showing the officials that they had the wrong child in mind. Before Ange could berate them, however, Kate called out in the hallway and ran toward her . . . wearing nothing but her thick winter boots and her favorite bathing suit. It was dead of winter but Kate would take off her clothes at school and put on the swimsuit that she loved. Horrified, Ange explained that she could not just wear a swimsuit in school, but Kate failed to understand why everyone should not just wear what they felt most comfortable in.

When you think about it, like many five year olds, she had a point. Kate always had a point. It was often found on the other side of convention . . . in clothing style . . . in prose . . . in personal relations.

© Reprinted By Permission

Kate was her own work in progress and she knew what had to emerge from the block of marble that life gave her.

Kate found a kindred spirit in my father, who delighted in her sense of unorthodox style and fierce independence. She was the spitting image of Ange who gave Kate her love for the aesthetic. Yet, I always saw my father in her eyes. I think he did too. It was a certain, unmistakable flash of perception; a sense of irony mixed with an acerbic wit.

They would also share something that would not become manifest until seven years ago – the curse of cluster migraines – a condition that would consume Katie’s life. I saw the pain that my father experienced during late nights when my mother and I would rush him to hospitals with pain that literally blinded him.

My sister Ange also witnessed the toll taken on my father and then watched helplessly as her daughter developed the classic symptoms of not just cluster migraines but chronic pain syndrome – a condition that eclipsed my father’s condition by a number of magnitudes.

All parents strive to protect their children from pain. We kiss their skinned knees and rub their upset stomachs. They ask us to make the pain go away because they think we have some magical power. If only we did and if only we could. But the pain remains theirs alone.

I remember when Kate almost lost part of her finger over a holiday in a door as she ran with a herd of her cousins up and down the stairs on the house on Hazel Street. We took her to the hospital and she was asked who she wanted to hold her as they put in the stitches. She picked my brother Dom – the very same choice many of us have made at such moments. My brother seemed like a giant cradling Kate as the doctors worked on her finger. I remember thinking how tough she was at that moment. She seemed to fold herself in Dom’s arm like a protective cloak.

© Reprinted By Permission

As parents, we promise to make the pain go away. Kate’s pain didn’t go away. My sister took her to countless doctors in different states. They tried every combination of drugs in hundreds of different visits and tests. This beautiful girl was trapped in her own body – she was alone with it – pursued by it. All we could see was the outward expression of the struggle in Kate. She could not share her pain as we are sharing our own today because it was neither manifest nor mutual. It was hers alone.

However, her writings give voice to a courage and strength that kept Kate fighting to break free of this oppressive pain.

One of my favorite writings is simply entitled “Attack.” Katie describes living in a room that appears to be hers but is not.

“I felt immediately visible- like when you leave your medicine cabinet open, and the last person who went in knew every secret to your life- there was still the nail polish spill on my couch, and the crease in the leather but the mold of my body was gone, and when I stuck my hand in the cushion, nothing was there-no sand, dirt, loose change, or lighters, the floor was too clean, not completely spotless, but not ignored like usual, a kitchen cabinet was left cracked open- I know this is not right, that always makes me uneasy and distressed I would never leave it like that . . .
All I see are things that are mine- but wrong.”

© Reprinted By Permission

She goes on later in the piece to write:

“I then noticed something I know well, all too well:
The bottle is still empty, just as I left it.
If replicated, it was not done so correctly.
The residue was not coating the bottle as it should be.
This is not a container whose contents have been moved and shaken. If real, it would have traveled with me everyday as its quantity lessened- shedding powdered remains, leaving a reminder of its once existence.

Everything was the same as when I left it-
Just turned, a little, not obviously noticeable, but uncomfortable-“

She lights a cigarette and the smoke soon takes on a new meaning—part of story of meeting pain with power. She writes:

“the threatening smoke reminds me that I am in control and powerful, and like it, punishing.

I am to be deceived here, and by someone who thinks he is ahead.

How careless and inaccurate can this manipulator be- to think that I would not recognize my own blemished home.
This stalker, replicator, does not know me well enough.

I am not the type who is blind to deformities, I recognize defects, salute them, and create them.

Whoever is behind this painting has not studied me long enough.
The flaws in his fabrication of my reality are endearing- and shows the operator is weak.
He does not know that I am aware of his presence.

And while I lay comfortably, in my misrepresented bed, with sheets too starched to be mine- and the nightstand painted too bright- I await the attack, unfettered by his intention.

He did not know that my watch is set five minutes before his.
I saw him put the hallucinogen in my drink, and drank his instead.

He lays sleeping on the floor of my fake hallway, dreaming of his brilliance- unaware that I am waiting for him to wake. “

© Reprinted By Permission

Last night, I took a journey with Kate in her writings that left me overwhelmed and changed. While some may view these writings as dark, I saw them as some of the most inspiring prose I have ever read. As opposed to some of us who write columns as pedestrians, Kate was a writer in the first person . . . and the first order. Frankly, learning just now how good she was as a writer is part of my pain. However, these writings are not about the triumph of pain. They are about power. The type that can defeat pain.

A beautiful powerful mind is revealed in these pages that was taken from us. She found something truly transcendental after the years of solitude. She described those years of lying in her bed in pain – staring at the tree outside her room –watching the seasons change as this struggle within her raged. At the time of her accident, Kate had finally found a treatment that allowed her to work again and felt she was emerging from this long nightmare. Her emergence from pain was ended prematurely with Kate’s life.

Late last night a strange thing happened to me in reading my niece’s writings, which I will keep with me. The pain remained but there was hope.

No, the pain would not go away but that I had the power to defy it, to leave it “sleeping on my floor.”

Just like Kate, my niece, showed me.

Jonathan Turley

Katie Turley Mooneyham
© Reprinted By Permission of Turley Road

50 thoughts on “Farewell To Kate Turley Mooneyham

  1. Good morning Jonathan. I don’t often read through entire works but I read completely though this one. Kate sounds like she was an exceptional person and reading of her pain and her ability to live life despite it actually brought tears to my eyes. Please accept my deepest condolences. Mike

  2. It takes courage to over come obstacles and not feel beaten….. May peace be found even when no one is around…. The universe exists even when we cease to in the form that we are…..

  3. My sincere condolences to you and your family.

    Here is a supportive thought from Henry Scott Holland:

    Death is Nothing At All

    I have only slipped away to the next room.
    I am I and you are you.
    Whatever we were to each other,
    That, we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name.
    Speak to me in the easy way
    which you always used.
    Put no difference into your tone.
    Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed
    at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
    Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
    Let my name be ever the household word
    that it always was.
    Let it be spoken without effect.
    Without the trace of a shadow on it.

    Life means all that it ever meant.
    It is the same that it ever was.
    There is absolute unbroken continuity.
    Why should I be out of mind
    because I am out of sight?

    I am but waiting for you.
    For an interval.
    Somewhere. Very near.
    Just around the corner.

    All is well.

    Funeral Death Poem by Henry Scott Holland ~ 1847-1918

  4. Tears flowed as I read your words and looked at the photos of this smart, mature, beautiful woman. My prayers for your sister, yourself, and your entire family. I believe your niece is @ peace, and her suffering over. It is the living that suffer. But, the pain very slowly subsides and the energy of this wonderful young woman lives in your heart. The body dies, the energy does not.

  5. My heartfelt condolences at such a difficult time in your life.

    An Old Irish Blessing
    May the road rise up to meet you.
    May the wind always be at your back.
    May the sun shine warm upon your face,
    and rains fall soft upon your fields.
    And until we meet again,
    May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

  6. Jonathan,

    As I read through your entire elegy, a more precise term for this piece than eulogy, I found myself quite moved by the loss suffered by Ange and the entire Turley clan. Life’s whims stole away a strong, talented and beautiful young woman far too soon. Her prose is indeed beautiful and showed the spark of a great future, wherever her strong mind would lead her. The magnitude of this loss is such that those of us outside of it can only through empathy have a sense of the enormity of its impact on all of Kate’s family, but never fully know the pain you suffer.

    Having experienced much death in my own life, I have felt the pain of its impact, which in the end is solitary and personal to each one affected. I’ve learned in these cases never to try to bring cheer to the aggrieved, since each of us must walk the path of mourning, acceptance and renewal ourselves as best we can. You have given a great gift to Kate in this elegy, simply because you brought alive the life and times of this extraordinary young woman to those not privileged to know her.

    My deepest empathy to Ange and to the rest her family and friends at this time of loss. Although a stranger, after reading through this I’m able to have at least an incomplete sense of the depth of your pain and your grief.

  7. Professor Turley,

    My sincere condolences on the loss of this wonderful young lady. Remember and celebrate the good times with her – advice given a year ago this week when I endured a loss. Life can be so fleeting. Celebrate each day. My prayers are with you and your family.

  8. Beautiful! So sorry for your loss but so appreciative of your sharing. To capture the dark beauty in death, pain, loss, and suffering is a gift. Thank you again for sharing. May her soul find comfort and peace.

  9. Professor Turley,
    my condolences to you and your family for the loss of such a wonderful young woman. Her writings are a snapshot into her life and your eulogy was a tribute to that short, but amazing life. Peace.

  10. What a spectacular young woman she was; what a spectacular young woman she will remain forever in the memory of her family and friends. My heart goes out to all of them but especially to her mother who was with her at the beginning and at the end.

  11. Jonathan and Ange:

    Please accept my sorrow and condolences.
    Although I don’t know you personally, I truly empathize with you on this loss.

    These things should just not happen.

    Gary T

  12. Jonathan, Ange, and the rest of the Turley Clan,

    My condolences on your loss. Katie will never be gone as long as her strength, creativity and spirit remain in your hearts. She was beautiful, a deft wordsmith and well-loved by her family and friends. Though tragically shy of quantity, take solace in that quality which surrounded and still surrounds her. May your memory of Kate soar as if on wings.

    “Weasel words
    with easy starts
    are not the first
    ones to our hearts
    when the cold cadaver light of day
    takes one of those we love away

    After the funeral
    – when the funeral was over
    – After we had buried him

    We walked across the grass
    …We walked across the grass
    leaving footprints in the dew

    footprints in the dew
    How was that possible
    ‘God’s name how was that possible

    with him forever
    And now, forever
    footprints forever

    looking back across the grass
    The warmth of the day
    losing us all, forever”

    The Funeral by Sean Joyce

  13. Although more of a lurker here, I had to write my condolences to you and your extended family. You’ve all lost an extraordinary young woman who had already suffered so much.

  14. What a tragic loss…. I’m sorry that you have to endure the loss of such a young & talented family member, Jonathan. We weep with you. You and your blog have been inspirational to me, many times…. My hope is that you will not become bitter because of this…. but, from my knowledge of you, your writings, and, with your clear mind, i don’t imagine that you could.

  15. Jonathan,

    I am so sorry to hear of the death of your beloved niece. It is a tragedy. No mother should ever have to bury her child.

    Having suffered with migraine headaches for many years of my life, I know how debilitating they can be. I found that writing gave me some relief from the pain. Writing poetry has helped me endure physical discomfort and emotional pain as well over the years. I hope writing helped Kate in the same way that it has helped me.

    Your niece most certainly had a beautiful and powerful mind.

    **********
    A Cento in Memory of Kate Turley Mooneyham for Her Mother

    Have you ever found something beautiful, and maybe just in time?
    Lift up your lovely eyes and look.
    I’m going to somewhere gentle.
    I have a secret power, and
    I can fly to where the sky begins…
    Into the white fire of a great mystery,
    Feel stars and sun and bells singing,
    Swing through the shadows like warm gray whispers…
    Spinning and dancing.
    I rest in the grace of the world, and am free…
    And I consider eternity another possibility.

    About the cento (From The Academy of American Poets):

    “From the Latin word for “patchwork,” the cento (or collage poem) is a poetic form made up of lines from poems by other poets. Though poets often borrow lines from other writers and mix them in with their own, a true cento is composed entirely of lines from other sources. Early examples can be found in the work of Homer and Virgil.”

    http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5771

    NOTE: My poem is a true cento.

    Sources for my cento: Mary Oliver, Mary O’Neill, Felice Holman, Lilian Moore, Cicely Barnes, Gwendolyn Brooks, Dahlov Ipcar, Takayo Noda, and Wendell Berry

  16. What incredible courage, persistence, and power of will she had! And what truly wonderful writings. Perhaps they can be published so that others can share their poetic beauty of hope. She is an inspirational role model for us all. My words are as inadequate as your elegy was intimately forceful to address the loss of one so unique, so loved,and so young. My sincerest condolences over your family’s tragedy.

  17. My sincere condolences on your loss, that of her mother and the Turley clan. However remotely, we have lost her also. She was our distant relative also.

    Death lurks near, and sometimes takes the young, most tragically so. When a life with so much time left to bloom is clipped off, it feels more tragic than otherwise.

    Let me add a notation on looking at her photos.
    She has the classic measure of a goddess, when the body is measured in terms of multiples of the head length.
    I am sure that her character and mind matched her goddess-like stature and beauty.

    Thank you for sharing life’s tragedy. Your tragedy.

  18. A beautiful tribute to a beautiful soul. The dead rest in peace forever, but the living must go on with the pain of loss as long as they draw a breath. May her mother and the rest of all those who loved her keep her memory alive. No parent should have to bury their child, but it happens. I just want to let Ange know that I have walked this path before her, and know all too well what that pain feels like.

    Kate was the same age as my youngest daugter. I look at her and cannot even imagine what it would be like to lose her.

  19. What a deep and beautiful tribute to a very beautiful young woman. I can see the family resemblance. She is the same age as my daughter and my nephew that grew up in Evanston. And although I came close to losing my daughter to a disease a few years ago, I am grateful that I was able to speak to her today and that we are closer than we have ever been. Like OS, I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose her.

  20. I am so sorry for your loss. As someone who has lived with chronic intractable pain for over 30 years I know the struggle she must have endured every day. I am sorry also that such a wonderful person had to suffer the way she did but that she met it head on by writing and living well.

  21. My sympathies to Kate’s entire family. Thank you, Jonathan, for sharing your lovely niece’s life with us. I’m quite confident that her beauty will live on in the lovely memories you all have of your beloved Kate, and in her poetic prose with its haunting lyricism.

    When I’ve grieved the most difficult losses in my life, what people said never made sense those first couple of weeks. I only remember the hugs…, so I’m sending you and your family hugs; lots and lots of consoling and healing hugs.

  22. My sincere condolences and sympathy for all of and friends of the Turleys. If anything can be brought from this it might be that you were all fortunate to have 24 years with her in your lives. The candle that burns twice as bright lasts half as long it seems. The world can be pretty dark without candles though.

  23. Thank you everyone for your kind words. This continues to be a bit of a surreal experience for my family, but these many notes and stories have helped a great deal. This blog has always been something of an extended family for us all and it means a great deal to me and my immediate family that read so many heartfelt thoughts.

    Best regards,

    Jonathan Turley

  24. As you know Mr. Turley, this will be a melancholy Holiday season. The first Thanksgiving is very tough. Your family will be in my prayer Thursday.

  25. So few ways to give sympathy, so few ways to acknowledge your and your family’s loss. She was beautiful in body and so beautiful in a mind so tempered by suffering.

    Your elegy gave tribute so beyond what we can do in empathy and sympathy.

  26. Thank you for sharing your remarkable niece’s wisdom and beauty. Things are so fragile now …and always, I forget how easily we fall and break. My heart holds in prayer you and all her family and friends. .

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