A recent survey in Chicago shows that only one in four Americans can name more than one of the five freedoms contained in the first amendment. Only one in a thousand could name all of the freedoms. However, more than half can name at least two members of the Simpson family. Doh! Of course, Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart and the rest of the characters are not devoid of constitutional significance, as discussed below.
The survey was done by the new McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum in my home town of Chicago. Almost a quarter of those surveyed could name all five Simpson family members. It appears that we are a nation resembling Cletus Delroy Spuckler, the slack-jawed yokel. Lisa Simpson would be appalled.
The solution seems obvious: name the five Simpson characters: Speech, Religion, Press, Assembly, and Petition the Government for Redress of Grievances. The last can be reduced to “Redress” for the purposes of artistic license.
Alternatively, each of the main characters could teach those rights within their particular area of expertise. Here are my initial suggestions:
Homer Simpson — Privacy (Right to be Left Alone)
Marjorie “Marge” Simpson — Nineteenth Amendment
Bartholomew Jojo “Bart” Simpson — Presumption of Innocence/Due Process
Lisa Marie Simpson — Freedom of Assembly
Margaret “Maggie” Simpson — Freedom of (or From) Speech
Grandpa Simpson — Equal Protection (Age discrimination)
Nedward “Ned” Flanders — Free Exercise of Religion
Clancy Wiggum — Search and Seizure (4th Amendment)
Waylon J. Smithers Jr. — Privacy Protection (after Lawrence v. Texas)
Charles Montgomery “Monty” Burns — Interstate Commerce Clause
Snake Jailbird — Privilege Against Self-Incrimination
Robert “Sideshow Bob” Underdunk Terwilliger — Eighth Amendment Protection of Criminally Insane
Lionel Hutz — Sixth Amendment Right to Counsel
Kent Brockman (Kenny) — Freedom of the Press
Moe Szyslak — Twenty-first Amendment
Barney Gumble — Twenty-first Amendment
Marion Anthony “Fat Tony” D’Amico — Warrant Clause (4th Amendment)
Johnny Tightlips — Right to Bear Arms (Second Amendment)
Mayor West — Twenty-fifth Amendment (succession and incapacity)
“Diamond Joe” Quimby — Impeachment clause
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Jr. — Privacy (Right of Procreation)
Groundskeeper Willie — Fifteenth Amendment
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gaarrrgh!
That potato field in Hungary is not exactly a Puddle jump, y’ know.
Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck
http://jonathanturley.org/?s=exorcism
Oh No! Patty C has looked directly into “Puddles” fiz! Now she has been Possessed!
Patty C, you better hie thee hence to that exorcism center that JT brought to our attention. You might get to meet Antonin Scalia while you’re there!
JT, I’m telling you there’s something other-worldly about this little ball of fluff.
First of all, I was channel surfing, after the Simpsons btw, as I am not a Fox regular, much less a Geraldo fan. And there he was-Panchito aka Puddles. What were the chances?
And, ‘No’, as I got up and drew nearer, to get a good look, he turned his little head to the camera for the long awaited close-up and we were literally nose to nose. Ack! I was mesmerized.
Everybody was on – the former owners, the guardian/lawyer, the sisters.
Maybe they’ll all be doing the circuit…soon.
good thing I can spel correckly
All should note that I have said nothing at all derogatory about the Simpsons! I chose my words carefully and simply stated I had never watched them!!
Far be it from me to alienate the apparent 98% of living Americans who are Simpson devotees!!
Elitest that I am.
Susan:
Re-writing the bill of rights in plain language is not practicing law. You are not holding yourself out as a lawyer and you are not filing legal papers in such matters.
I have a quick “legal question” for J.T.; if one who is a non-lawyer writes the Amendments of the Bill of Rights in modern, PLAIN English to be more understandable to the average joe or jane, making absolutely clear the person is not a lawyer, is one guilty of a new offense called “Unlicensed Practice of Law?” I’ve heard about it, but I have no idea what it is, or what it actually means.
This is a serious question by the way; I’m not being facetious here. Any light you can shed on this question would be greatly appreciated. And no, I’m NOT being investigated for anything. 🙂
I know I’m going to be laughed at from here to the West Coast, but who or what is “Puddles?” Sounds like the name for the Simpson’s dog, but I’m probably way off in left field. Okay, I’m ready…I think. 🙂
Patty C:
I have the same view of Geraldo that Deeply Worried has of the Simpsons. However, I must confess some interest in this canine siren of human destruction. I hope that you took a lesson from Perseus in facing the Medusa and used a polished shield to avoid looking directly at Puddles.
Oh no! First the Simpsons; now its that odious “Puddles”!!!
“Waiter, Check Please!”
JT, I hope you saw ‘Puddles’, on Geraldo, just now, on Fox Noise with his lawyer and adoptive mom! If not, he’s on again at 11pm.
We are all Simpsonians now….
That, by the way, is my version of looking for the silver lining in an overcast sky. 🙂
You know, now I feel better about wanting to go into ConLaw – if there’s such a large market for people who actually understand more than simply the most commonly cited rights, I should be able to find work after graduation without too much of a problem.
Sundays 8pm/7/c on FOX
To catch up, in advance, one can visit Homer’s website.
http://www.thesimpsons.com/episode_guide/
All is not lost. So far, from your link above, JT, 76% answered the Five Freedoms multiple choice question correctly.
Good to see you, btw!
Blast, I’m going to have to take an F from J.T. for failing to complete the Simpson homework assignment. And this will probably go on my permanent record too! It’s a matter of pride with me; I REFUSE to watch The Simpsons. 🙂
The solution to the problem is within your very article. We haven’t placed the same importance on this information because we have systematically removed American National Government and other civics education from our schools. And, without question, teachers in the typical public school setting are competing with multi-media stimuli in order to capture the attention and intentions of their students.
These students step into a world of exponential stimulus the moment they leave the school grounds and plug in the i-Phone headset, listen to XM Radio on their backpack and head off to the Internet cafe or play a few hours on the Wii. They play poker on line – often multiple games, while watching music videos – they chat, IM and otherwise communicate with their ‘five’ or more at the same time they are talking to someone else.
We have to reassess our approach to education and move out of the stone age. We need to engineer some interesting challenges for students in order to capture their attention, or rather, wrestle it away from other things that are appealing. Our teachers need to be motivated too. As a society … we seem to be so unfriendly towards them. Perhaps that’s a good starting point.
I am now deeply worried. Your homework for tonight is to watch an episode of the Simpsons so that you can be converse with your fellow Americans.
Oh good Lord! Please everyone do yourself a favor and read Ursula K LeGuin’s recent article in Harper’s…
The level of literacy in the 1870’s was higher than it is now! We’re going backwards!
I have to assume the name list was pretty funny and appropriate. But Truth here: I have never watched an episode of the Simpsons!