My Totally Radiculous Ride: Fourteen-Year-Old Boy in Chicago Tricks Police Into Giving Him a Squad Car and Assignment for Five Hours

thumb_policeman_cartoonThe Chicago Police Department is struggling to explain this morning how a 14-year-old boy walked into Grand Crossing District station impersonating a police officer and was given an assignment in a squad car for five hours before anyone realized that he was too young to drive, let one patrol the streets of the city.

It was reportedly not until he returned to do paperwork that officers noticed that he had no badge and no gun. The uniform appears to have been stolen and the boy has been arrested previously for impersonating an officer.

Deputy Superintendent Daniel Dugan insists that the kids really looks older than his age — missing the fact that anyone who appears an adult can just grab a patrol car and start police work in Chicago.

The kid is being charged as a juvenile with impersonating an officer.

As the father of four and a native Chicagoan, I am immediately offering a consulting contract to the Chicago Police Department. I propose that we include my $10 million “Juvenile Detection Consultation” contract in the homeland security bill. As a taste, here are a few telltale signs for spotting a juvenile pretending to be a police officer.

The Top Ten Ways To Spot a Juvenile Officer in Your Squad Car:

1. The new officer insists on playing his DS non-stop on patrol and when eating lunch and when taking bathroom breaks.

2. The new officer’s uniform includes a Hanna Montana sticker.

3. Every time the new officer arrests someone he screams “Sweet!”

4. On doughnut stops, the new officer only eats the icing and demands a second doughnut because they gave his partner two.

5. The new officer insists on ticketing the cars of math and science teachers at a local high school.

6. The new officer thinks “Miranda” is a reference to Miranda Cosgrove .

7. Whenever you put on your siren, your new partner starts singing “Touch It” by Mary J. Blige, Missy Elliott and Rah Digga.

8. The new officer thinks that references to the “bench” means the five positions in the Pokémon TCG layout.

9. When the radio tells you to follow up on a call regarding “a grand theft auto on first,” your partner brags that he has Grand Theft Auto IV.

10. When you ask when your new partner went to Police Academy, he says that he went at least seven times, including all five sequels.

A glossary of teen slang is available for future ride-alongs, here.

For the full story, click here.

29 thoughts on “My Totally Radiculous Ride: Fourteen-Year-Old Boy in Chicago Tricks Police Into Giving Him a Squad Car and Assignment for Five Hours”

  1. Well, we know have our first KNOWN tax cheat Treasury Secretary.

    Can you imagine his first meeting at the Treasury instructing the IRS that they need to crack down on deadbeat taxpayers and tax cheats.

  2. Incidentally, speaking of show trials:

    U.S. District Judge John Bates ruled Karl Rove cannot dismiss the House Judiciary subpoena. The panel Chaired by House Rep. John Conyers will meet February 2, 2009. Oh how the overly ambitious and powerful will begin to contract like rubber band.

    “The police are not here to create disorder, they’re here to preserve disorder.” Mayor Richard J. Daley. The kid was doing his best to live up to these ancient pearls of wisdom.

    Yes were taking a beating in Chicago, cops making false arrests, public defenders out to lunch. The Governor is in New York defending him self before the television cameras; instead of the State Senators who are impeaching him.
    Did mention its damn cold here too. Oachh!

  3. Hey Bron Hello Parsnips. Buddha is smart. You’re not. He’s also funny, original, and really enjoyable to read.

    Gosh, everything you’re not.

  4. Buddha:

    you are such a wussy why dont you answer Charly with some rhetoric.

    not some canned bs that you are famous for. By the way I took some of your missives and put them through a filter, I’ll let you guess what they turned up – troll

  5. Nixon had Watergate. It consisted of two components. The crime and the cover up. It was the cover up that killed him.

    Bush has Iraq. It consists of three components. The crime – the invasion of a sovereign nation that had not attacked us. Second, the conspiracy to profit from said invasion – Halliburton, Saudi Arabia, the Secret Energy Taskforce, et al. Lastly, the cover up – stacking the DOJ with Neocon puppet hacks from Regents so they wouldn’t get investigated yet alone prosecuted for wiping themselves with the Constitution for fun and profit. And it’s the cover up that’s going to get Bush too.

    This one is just for you, our own pet troll.

  6. Obama’s Folly

    Barack Obama ran on a platform of post-partisanship, of healing and uniting a divided nation. Yet it didn’t even take him a week to enter into the partisan fray, taking on the Right’s biggest megaphone — and making it even bigger. Instead of marginalizing Rush Limbaugh, Obama managed to make him the most credible voice of opposition:
    President Obama warned Republicans on Capitol Hill today that they need to quit listening to radio king Rush Limbaugh if they want to get along with Democrats and the new administration.

    “You can’t just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done,” he told top GOP leaders, whom he had invited to the White House to discuss his nearly $1 trillion stimulus package.

    One doesn’t make points at all about bipartisanship by explicitly attacking another partisan voice, no matter how much one disagrees with it. By naming Rush and attempting to sideline him, Obama lifted Rush’s profile and practically anointed him his opposition. It demonstrates that Obama still has no sense of his office, nor of “post-partisanship”, regardless of his endlessly empty rhetoric on the subject.

    George Bush never attacked Keith Olbermann, Chris Matthews, or other voices of the rabid Left by name. If he ever went on the attack against the left-wing media, he kept the attack general and broad, rather than specific. Bush knew enough about his office to understand that part of its strength would keep him above the partisan-pundit fray. Obama hasn’t figured that much out yet.

    Thanks to this attack, Rush not only has his own megaphone, but he gained everyone else’s for a brief time. He became a national story, gained national coverage, and in general got a million dollars’ worth of free publicity. And Rush knows how to use it to his advantage, as he showed:

    To make the argument about me instead of his plan makes sense from his perspective. Obama’s plan would buy votes for the Democrat Party, in the same way FDR’s New Deal established majority power for 50 years of Democrat rule, and it would also simultaneously seriously damage any hope of future tax cuts. It would allow a majority of American voters to guarantee no taxes for themselves going forward. It would burden the private sector and put the public sector in permanent and firm control of the economy. Put simply, I believe his stimulus is aimed at re-establishing “eternal” power for the Democrat Party rather than stimulating the economy because anyone with a brain knows this is NOT how you stimulate the economy. If I can be made to serve as a distraction, then there is that much less time debating the merits of this TRILLION dollar debacle.

    Not only could Rush underscore the fact that Obama got petty, Rush also had an opportunity to blast away at Obama’s economic plans on a larger platform than usual. Thanks to Obama, Rush just doubled his effectiveness. And also thanks to Obama, Republican leaders on Capitol Hill might do something that they haven’t done in years, whatever Obama’s paranoia might tell him: they might take Rush’s advice.

    Anytime a man in a position of great power attacks someone with significantly less power, it lessens the greater man and raises up his opponent. The American President is, thanks to the office, the most powerful man in the free world. If he’s worried about any political pundit so much that he has to attack him personally, it shows weakness, which is exactly what Obama cannot afford.

  7. The World According to Jimmy Carter

    January 26, 2009

    Jimmy Carter was on the Today show this morning, where he was interviewed by Meredith Viera. Carter’s exposition of events in the Middle East consisted mostly of an endorsement of Hamas. It almost has to be read to be believed:

    CARTER: … We’ve had a chance to meet two times with the leaders of Hamas, both those in Gaza and those that are top leaders in Damascus, Syria.

    VIEIRA: And you’ve been criticized for that, sir, because Hamas is considered a terrorist group.

    CARTER: By some, they are, and they’ve done some bad things. But for instance, the year before we had the cease-fire, that I helped to orchestrate last June, the 19th, there was one Israeli killed by rockets. And on an average, 49 Palestinians killed every month during that previous year. And as soon as the cease-fire went into effect, Hamas obeyed it completely. There was no serious rocket fire during the next four or five months.

    Whereas, Israel did not restore providing provisions for the Palestinians and Gaza. But Hamas has pledged to me — and publicly — that they will accept any cease-fire that is negotiated between the Fatah leader, Mahmoud Abbas, and the Israelis, provided the cease- fire, in turn, is then submitted to the Palestinian people for approval and a referendum. So, that’s a major step forward.

    Hamas is considered a terrorist group “by some”? Carter apparently does not count himself among those “some,” but on what conceivable theory is Hamas not a terrorist organization?

    That, in any event, is evidently a small concern for Carter. In his view, Hamas is entirely reliable, and when anything goes wrong it is Israel’s fault:

    VIEIRA: Do you believe that Hamas can be trusted?

    CARTER: Yes, I do. I think they can, because of their own self- interest, not because they’re benevolent, or kind, or that sort of thing. But yes, I do. I think they can. And they’ve never betrayed any commitment that they’ve made to me, or publicly, as a matter of fact. …

    VIEIRA: But Hamas has said its goal is to destroy Israel. How can you involve them in a peace process when they said their goal is to destroy Israel? They don’t recognize Israel.

    CARTER: I’m not here to defend Hamas, but to tell you what they have pledged to me, and publicly: That if any agreement is negotiated between Fatah leaders and Israel, that Hamas will accept the agreement if it’s submitted to the Palestinian people in a referendum. And that’s a very good step forward. And I think they will do that because of their own self-interest.

    And Hamas complied very thoroughly with the cease-fire agreement that I had worked out for the last June the 19th. For five months, there were no rockets fired until Israel did attack Gaza again on November 4th.

    So Hamas’ firing of 126 rockets and 71 mortars into Israel in November, and the many that have followed since then, was all Israel’s fault because the Israelis “did attack Gaza again on November 4th.”

    For those who don’t recall that “attack,” these are the facts, as we related here:

    The IDF sent special forces 200 yards across the border to destroy a tunnel that had been built to facilitate the kidnapping of Israeli soldiers. Intelligence indicated that such a kidnapping was imminent:

    The IDF accused Hamas of jeopardizing the truce by digging the tunnel and plotting to abduct more Israeli soldiers in the immediate future.

    “The tunnel we uncovered was ready for imminent use, forcing us to act immediately,” the military source said. “We did not know where the other end of the tunnel surfaced. In light of the intelligence we received about its immediate use, plans for special forces to enter Gaza this evening after sundown were approved,” he added.

    Hamas gunmen opened fire on IDF forces and Hamas fired 45 rockets into Israel the same night.

    I can’t speculate on his motives, but Carter’s animus against Israel and his weirdly positive attitude toward America’s terrorist enemies make him a force for evil, not for good, in the Middle East.

  8. This is cearly a “how stupid cops are”-bet gone bad.

    Then again, who would return the patrol car to go try and file the paper work?! His logic seems off…

  9. Buddha:

    bashing the president again? you are unpatriotic and possibly a racist. I know you dont like arabs because you want to nuke them and now you are casting aspersions on Obama, shame, shame on you.

  10. Is this the same kid that can lie his way out of a dirty diaper? Sounds like it to me.

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