In celebration of Valentine’s Day, I give you the best criminal cases from the last year of amorous relationships gone bad. There are times when society simply does not understand the attraction of a man to a park bench, mannequin, or car vacuum. That is what this special day is all about on the Larceny of Love. Below are the 2009 winners of the Valentine Villains of Forbidden Love.
After all, let us not forget that this day memorializes a criminal. Valentine was a priest from the third century in Rome who secretly married people after Emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage for young men (to make them better soldiers). He was put to death for his crimes.
Criminal defense lawyers must always warn their clients that, in the words of William Shakespeare, “Love all, trust a few.”
In honor of St. Valentine, here is this year’s five top choices for those jailed for forbidden love.
Harold M. Hoffman was charged for his loving relationship with blow up dolls. Cape Coral Police say that witnesses observed him “performing activity to two different blow up dolls in his vehicle that was consistent with masturbation and other simulated sexual activity.” He was also accused of “aggressively” kissing the dolls.
Arthur Price was arrested simply because the object of his affection was park bench. Price has allegedly admitted to having the human-on-picnic-table encounters and was charged with four counts of public indecency.
The vacuum man arrested after being caught in flagrante delicto with a car wash vacuum. In Thomas Township, Michigan, police arrested a 29-year-old man for “receiving sexual favors from a vacuum” at a car wash. As Hoover once advertised, “Nobody does it like Hoover.”
Edward Smith who consummated his relationship with various cars. Smith has publicly admitted that he has made love to over 1000 cars, including his current serious relationship with ,a white Volkswagen Beetle (Love Bug) named Vanilla.
Ronald A. Dotson who was jailed to keep him from continuing to assault mannequins.
Runners-up include another man was arrested for a liaison with a gate and yet another with bicycle, here and here.
These are the Valentine Villains of Love for 2009. If Barbara De Angelis was correct when she said “Love is a choice you make from moment to moment,” these were the wrong choices.
Guess BUNGEE has set itself up as “my funny valentine”…
Could we please get those pallet loads of cash back from Iraq?
JT:
I think I (or my IP address anyway)have been banned from the site. Is an appeal possible??
Mespo:
I checked the IP addresses and there does not appear a match. Please try a test run.
JT
Buddha:
Ditto what JT said, and cheers to you.
Mike:
I was trying to stay topical, and pay homage to JT’s rogues gallery above, by advancing their formula for happiness which is apparently to love the one (or thing)you’re with.
Mike:
Mine was geared to the topic “Larceny of Love,” and the cast of characters JT noted who have no compunction about loving the one (or thing) their with!
As an incurable romantic I’ve strangely never been fond of Valentine’s Day. Fortunately my beloved is of similar mind, although in our courting phase I did give her a heart of Godiva chocolates.
FFLEO, Mespo and Jill I’m trying to discern what’s behind your song choices. Mine would be Sugar Magnolia from the Grateful Dead:
She’s got everything delightful,
She’s got everything I need,
Takes the wheel when I’m seeing double,
Pays my tickets when I speed,
Happy Valentine’s Day to JT and All(no more lists) who come to this cyber bar. You are all such excellent company; especially the last few days. To Buddha and CCD a special shout out, one a day early and one a day late.
To Buddha: I wish you very Happy Birthday! I hope you spend a good portion of the day laughing!
To CCD: I sincerely thank-you for your service and am so sorry you have suffered from PTSD. You are not in anyway in the “light flyweight” category. You summed it up so well on Feb 13 2:53pm in the Saudi Victim thread : “The language is universal, *love* and all that it encompasses, compassion, forgiveness, tolerance. I sincerely invite you to keep coming back. The mature folks who contribute here speak the universal language fluently. Peace.”
So to All here and to all the ships at sea may we all find, speak, and enjoy Love! Happy Valentines Day!
P.S. If Mandy doesn’t do it for you try Matt Nathanson:
my valentines day present to all on this site it is an online library of classic literature and to all PG Wodehouse fans he is here too:
http://www2.hn.psu.edu/faculty/jmanis/jimspdf.htm
and a happy birthday to the Buddha
He gets around, too! 😉
http://www.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,,5561549,00.jpg
I thought that photo from PattyC was great too, but upon further research I’ve learned it’s just that guy from Nigeria who can turn himself into farm animals …
Patty C,
That is a neat, calming photo to set this day’s stage.
I’m standing on the edge of time.
I walked away when love was mine.
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing.
the tears are in my mind and nothin’ is rhyming…
Oh (insert love object of choice here)
Well you came and you gave without taking…
Happy Valentines Day JT, Payback for all the suffering you’ve put us through! And what does Barry mean about nothing rhyming when that’s all he’s doing?
Happy Valentines Day to All as well!
FFLeo:
I’ll see your Johnny Lee and raise you a Steven Stills:
“If you’re down and confused, and you don’t remember who you’re talkin’ to. Concentration slip away, ‘cause your baby is so far away.
Well there’s a rose in the fisted glove and the eagle flies with the dove, and if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with.”
Happy Valentine’s Day to all.
Happy Valentine’s Day
OX
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/photos/uncategorized/2009/02/11/oxheart.jpg
Yep, ya shoulda’ knowed that thar wuz a countree song ‘bout them poor fellars:
Lookin’ fir luv…
________________________
“…was looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces”
“When I was alone then, no love in sight
And I did everything I could to get me through the night
Don’t know where it started or where it might end
I turn to a stranger, just like a friend…”
__________________________
I guess that some strangers are just *stranger* than some other strangers are…
cat man,
You are disgrace to cats. Even they can find the right litter box, so how about taking your crap elsewhere?
What kills a skunk
February 14, 2009
Rep. Aaron Schock, whose llinois district is home to Caterpillar, spoke on the floor about the president’s speech to his constituents and their telling response. Caterpillar has been a central part of Obama’s stimulus pitch the past couple of days, but the pitch has been bumbled, as the rest of the stimulus message has been. Obama claimed the Caterpillar CEO told him he’d be rehiring some of his 22,000 laid-off workers as soon as the stimulus bill was passed, but Owens later flatly contradicted the President’s claim.
Schock’s constituents were urged by the president himself to tell Schock to vote “yes,” but he was not approached by one constituent, Caterpillar employee or otherwise, asking him to support the stimulus. Democrats can pass this monstrosity because they control both houses, but they should never get away with painting criticism of it as unreasonable or purely partisan. Criticism comes from every quarter– even from laid-off workers who are subject to an onslaught of the president’s patented Promises of an Implausible Nature and Grandiloquence of Economic Gloom.
Ham quotes Rep. Schock:
I found it very interesting that after the president finished his speech and I stayed around, not one employee at that facility approached me and asked me to vote for this bill. In fact, I have received over 1,400 phone calls, e-mails, and letters from Caterpillar employees alone asking me to oppose this legislation
happy valentine’s day. this post was perfect! thanks.
Now see, this is where if I were a Neocon paymaster, I’d want my money back. Talk about ineffective and unrelated spam. Pst . . . hey, Neocons. You’re desperation is showing. As are your poor management skills.
On a more topical note, I was recently inspired to read a little about saints by some of mespo’s postings. What I found interesting is St. Valentine is the patron of bees and beekeepers. Sweet with a chance of sting – if that’s not love, I don’t know what is. But he’s not the patron of chance encounters. That’s St. Raphael. I was also surprised about how little seems to be known about the historical St. Valentine other than the tale about the note.
I have to confess, St. Valentine has a personal connection. It’s not that I’m looking for love as a divorcee either. Tomorrow is Galileo’s birthday. It’s mine too, but I’m holding up better than my man from Padua via Pisa. I can’t tell you how much candy I used to get for my birthday as a kid. Don’t get me wrong, I love chocolate almost as much as Patty, but when you wanted a bike, it’s hard to ride a caramel nougat around the block. The faster you peddle, the faster it melts. I don’t feel bad or sorry for myself though. Far from it. I know worse off in the birthday gift arena – a cousin who had the hugely poor discretion to be born on Christmas.
So even if Valentine’s Day is a “holiday lite”, it holds a place in my heart. As do you, loyal Turlees, fans of justice and exemplars of Constitutional and libertarian ideals. When I am being battered by the cruelties of the world, it gives me comfort to know I am not alone in wanting to fix the obviously broken and that my company are kind, thoughtful and intelligent people. Buddha may be laughing at Neocons, but he laughs WITH you and because of you.
Happy Valentine’s Day, my friends.
And thanks again JT for providing this forum. It’s a gift every day.
Buddha:
I am afraid that litigation has kept me from my usual pleasure in reading everyone’s comments and exchanges for the last couple of weeks. However, I just noticed one historically important fact that should not be missed. Buddha’s birthday is tomorrow (with such lesser known figures as Galileo). Happy Birthday Dear Buddha and thank you for enriching our site as one of our regulars.
Jonathan
The problem with these guys is they failed to use:
“SaveMyAss is a flower delivery service / relationship insurance policy. We send flowers to your girlfriend or wife on a regular basis.” Although it probably would be difficult to put in birthdates and other important information for some of the “love objects”.
http://www.savemyass.com/home
As a former psychotherapist the idea of having these five together in a therapy group would either be sublime, or my worst nightmare.