As a history nut, one of the most annoying contradictions in life is the fact that the History Channel continues to use history in its title after abandoning such programming in a mindless rush for ratings. Just as you rarely hear music on MTV, you rarely see history on the History Channel.
I used to watch virtually nothing but the History Channel. It then yielded to executives who saw the history as an artificial restraint and began to add such shows as “Monster Quest”, “Ice Road Truckers, and “Life After People“. If I had greater faith in a place of eternal damnation, I would not be so ticked off. However, it is possible that these executives might not face eternal damnation with such punishment as being forced to watch Ax Men over and over again.
The insipid and insulting programming on this once jewel of television is due entirely to its executive at A&E. A&E Television Networks president and CEO Abbe Raven has now been named to run a new company being formed by Disney-ABC TV, Hearst Corporation and NBC Universal. It will merge to form an even greater number of channels and is expected to accelerate rather than reverse the destruction of the History Channel. While most of us would assume that it would lead Raven to assume a new identity, she has received awards for helping create such abominations as Dog the Bounty Hunter, Growing Up Gotti and Intervention.
If one expects quality historical programming on the History Channel, Abbe Raven has said “Never More.” In her honor, I give you a paraphrased poem of Poe who is the only poet dark enough to capture the demise of the once beloved History Channel:
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered The History Channel weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious shows of history lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my cable door.
`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my cable door –
Only this, and nothing more.’Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Channel –
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named History Channel –
Nameless here for evermore.And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my cable door –
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my cable door; –
This it is, and nothing more,’Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,’ said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was surfing, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my cable door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you’ – here I opened wide the tele; –
Darkness there, and nothing more.Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Ratings War”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Ratings War”
Merely this and nothing more.Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,’ said I, `surely that is something at my cable dish;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this history explore –
Let my heart be still a moment and this history explore; –
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’Open here I flung the clicker, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Abbe Raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lady, perched above my cable door –
Perched upon a cable box just above cable door –
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.Then this ebony CEO beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,’ I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore –
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s television shore!’
Will we have real history from days of lore
Quoth Abbe Raven, `Nevermore.’
That really ticks me off.
I could not agree with you more than the History Channel being a sell out. Kinds reminds me of General Electric when Jack Welch was at the helm. Hell at that time it could have Enron, who would have been able to tell the difference.
I am now accustomed to the ID Channel. That is some good stuff.
FINALLY!
SOMEONE SAID IT.
Now I know why I was angry about seeing shows about Big Foot and other Monsters on something called “The History Channel”
I liked the poem, too. It was clever; but, I still hope you keep your day job so that I can keep seeing you on TV.
It is truly amazing how you can have so many stations and still nothing worth watching. That’s why I have a DVD collection.
Believe it or not, once upon a time A&E actually presented Arts programming, Back in the late 80s one could watch opera and classical music programming. I may still have a few old VHS tapes from that era. Then or course, they went pop and for a little while Bravo produced some quality product. Laughable now.
Screw ’em. I can find DVDs and Blu Ray nowadays.
Euripedes
We have nothing to fear. Those sharks from outer space will be driving trucks on ice roads picking up trees from the Ax men in Alaska where its tougher.
BTW … I have not yet finished my lawn work … or barbie work … but not doin’ too bad on the wonder water. 😉
Fourthed.
History to the revisionist is the way they would like it to be, impairing the rest of us who would like history to be the way it really was.
This from the article: “A&E Television Networks president and CEO Abbe Raven has now been named to run a new company being formed by Disney-ABC TV, Hearst Corporation and NBC Universal. It will merge to form an even greater number of channels and is expected to accelerate rather than reverse the destruction of the History Channel.”
and this from the poem “…Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Ratings War”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Ratings War”
Merely this and nothing more.”
tells you everything you need to know about what is wrong with cable TV; consolidation and commercial sponsorship. Those on this blawg old enough to be BC (before cable) probably remember when the unveiling of cable came with the promise of ‘no commercials’ which was a lie from day one.
The re-work of the poem was pretty good IMO but Rfflaw’s advice raises the question, in the long run would the world be better off with more good satire/comedy or law? The law and the rights conferred thereby are fungible but the memory of an early John Belushi or Chevy Chase or Chris Rock etc. (which still make me laugh) can’t be diminished by the evil Xenu or his minions, the Nazi Sharks from Outer Space. I suggest the Professor spend more time on his comedy; once the Constitution is destroyed in it’s entirety he may need a fall-back career. (Insert ‘tongue-in-cheek’ emoticon here)
The common rabble that you speak of do all the living, working and dying around here!(h/t to It’s a Wonderful life)
Rafflaw:
Every great poet has been ridiculed by the common rabble.
You all complain now, but when the Nazi Sharks from Outer Space invade, you’ll be glad of all the advance knowledge you have of them.
and this is why I don’t have Cable. Everything I’d like to watch, I can do legitimately via the internet.
According to the show I saw, all this will end in 2012.
Couldn’t agree more; can Comcast still charge me for a History Channel with no history? Plus Discovery Health watch is almost ENTIRELY about obscenely obese people. Right across the ‘dial’ (an an anachronism, that!) it’s vulgarity, voyeurism, and other degradations.
Wikipedia offers this guide to future viewing on History, formerly, The History Channel: “History is continuing the apocalyptic trend mentioned above with a highly interpretive new series, The Nostradamus Effect, which premiered on September 9, 2009 and involves a supposed ‘Third Antichrist’ and a ‘Da Vinci Armageddon’.”
Prof. Turley,
I wish you wouldn’t hold back your feelings and tell us what you really think of the History Channel! However, I would recommend that you keep your day job and let the poetry stay in the capable hands of Poe and his ilk.
Ha, I wrote pretty much the same blog a couple of weeks ago. Same thing goes for the Discovery Channel, which is either crab fishing or shark week. Like the fair and balanced channel, these days channels seem to be named after the very thing you’re guaranteed not to get.
For a while there THC stood for “The Hitler Channel” since almost all the shows were of WWII. You’d think given the long history of mankind and of the earth itself they’d never run out of subject matter. It’s a shame but what do you expect from the same folks who bring you “Dog the Bounty Hunter”. YUCK!!!
Thirded
and don’t forget the “Comedy Channel”, what a misnomer that is
I miss the old History Channel as well
anyone ever play “History IQ” on THC, that was a good history trivia game
Seconded.
History International is marginally better but they still have a smattering of junk programming. Even the residual “history” programming is suspect.
One day I wanted to listen to a documentary on William Wallace on THC while I picked up around the house. After about the third time they insisted on calling Wallace “Braveheart”, I started throwing things at the TV.
BIL:
That is precisely why I added a protective wire screen in front of my tv. I learned that from some country music bars with live entertainment. I simply went through too many television sets.