I wanted to ask the people on this blog if they have had the same bizarre experience that I have just had with Apple. I have been a lifelong Apple user and have literally owned every major model since the first Apple computer. I also use the iPhone. That is, until this week when I encountered the imMACulate submersion defense — a claim by Apple that my dead iPhone had been submerged in water when it has never been wet, let alone submerged.

Frankly, my experience with the iPhone has been horrible. My phone has never functioned correctly since I bought it in February with the phone turning off suddenly or going into loops. Ironically, even the belt holder that I bought at the Apple store broke within two months.

However, I was able to just turn the phone on and off with its repeated malfunctions. That is until my recent speech in Houston when the phone literally died before my eyes. It went into one of its loops with a little pinwheel icon and then shut off. From that point on, it would not take a charge or stay on.

I went into the Tysons Corner Apple store and encountered a “Mac Genius” who promptly told me that I should not have submerged the phone. He said that a “submersion light” was on. I immediately told them that the phone had never been wet — let alone submerged. The manager looked at me skeptically and offered to look at the two internal submersion lights which could prove it was submerged. I encouraged him to do so. He came back and admitted that the two lights were not on and did not show submersion. However, he still refused to replace the phone because it was submerged. I told him that this was positively ridiculous. I would not fight over a lousy $200 bucks but it is entirely impossible that this phone was ever submerged. I would have had to be submerged with it because it never leaves my belt. They could have a “dingo chewing” light but it would not make it true.

The geniuses said that they believed me but if one light was on, it was technically submerged even if it wasn’t. I proceeded to call the corporate headquarters to get an idea of how this non-submersion submersion works. I have not received an explanation on the submersion of warranty policies.

The funny thing is that I do not even pay for the phone, but I hate to buy a new phone based on something that I know to be patently false.

What is interesting is that my secretary had to replace her iPhone when the charger caught on fire. When she went in, the geniuses quickly grabbed that melted charger, put it out of sight, and gave her a new one as if she had put a severed head on the counter.

Of course, I now have something to use in the Turley Trebuchet that is a modern equivalent to a diseased animal.

Has anyone else encountered Apple’s submersion mystery?

UPDATE: Thanks to Nal, it appears that this is a problem beyond my phone going out for a secret shvitz without my knowledge: here:

Apple places one sensor in the iPhone headphone jack and one adjacent to the dock connector (pictured). But according to a number of reports from news organizations and consumers, these sensors have been known to give false positives.

UPDATE: Apple has replaced my phone. I am once again in communication with the world.