Zombies! The Undead Return to the Streets of Minneapolis

Zombies are free to again walk the streets of Minneapolis due to another zombie-friendly decision from the federal courts. The federal court of appeals ruled that a group of protesters dressed as zombies could sue the police department and individual officers for wrongful arrest in a 2-1 decision. The dissenting Judge Colloton immediately had his brains sucked out after being pursued by rampaging zombies.

The ruling is actually an important victory for citizens (zombie and non-zombie) — reversing the decision of U.S. District Judge Joan Ericksen . The protest was staged against consumerism during the 2006 Aquatennial and the plaintiffs are seeking damages for their arrests. The panel ruled that police lacked probable cause to arrest the seven people wearing white powder, fake blood and black around their eyes and shuffling around like zombies. They were charged with disorderly conduct. (Notably, they did not allege discrimination against zombies since all zombies shuffle around and moan — an immutable zombie characteristic). The opinion below states that they were “walking in a stiff, lurching fashion.”

In a bizarre twist, the officers raised concern that they might be part of a violent street gang:

[Officers] Merkel and Weber subsequently spoke about the plaintiffs with Sergeant
Timothy Hoeppner, who was in charge of patrolling the area for drunk people that evening. Based on information in a police bulletin, Hoeppner expressed concern that the plaintiffs were affiliated with the Juggalos, a violent gang from Washington State known for wearing face paint.

The plaintiffs say that once at the police station Sergeant Edward Nelson declared that he didn’t “give a g**damn about anybody’s constitutional f***ing rights.” If so, he might want to change his views in light of this opinion.

The court held that police cannot use immunity against such claims while it affirmed the lower court’s dismissal of false imprisonment and first amendment claims.

Minneapolis City Attorney Susan Segal insists that she will appeal.

Now, before Republicans allege a pro-zombie bias of activist judges, the decision is well reasoned and well supported.

Here is the opinion: 083165P
For the full story, click here.

For the people of Minneapolis, we offered this training film on what to do when confronted with zombies and their ACLU lawyers:

For our English cousins, here is another tutorial:

26 thoughts on “Zombies! The Undead Return to the Streets of Minneapolis”

  1. “I don’t believe that these were “real” zombies. These were just litigious tea baggers.”

    ZING! “Tea bagger”!?!?

    How do you come up with this material? Hilarious stuff.

  2. Mistook them for Juggalo’s? LOL
    Sure, blame it on the Juggalo’s, give them another reason to feel important by virtue of their ‘oppression’ 🙂 They’re not a gang, they’re a music-based cult and kinda’ lame, though plentiful. A cop that can’t tell a zombie from a Juggalo need re-training. I suppose that when the real zombie attack holocaust comes the police will be off somewhere investigating Juggalo backyard wrestling and us defenseless citizen’s will be on our own. Sigh.



  3. Professor Turley,

    There is a checkbox at the bottom of each thread (on the left just below the comment box) which is labeled ‘Notify me of follow-up comments via email’. To activate this feature, you check the box and post a comment to the thread (and then future comments on the thread are emailed to you). I don’t know if it’s possible, but it would be convenient if there was a way to do this that didn’t require posting a comment to the thread – frequently I want to keep an eye on a thread but don’t have anything to say immediately.


    Thanks, I’ll take a look…

  4. Buddha,

    My apologies, you are correct. I should have read more carefully, I just wanted to make a post on the zombie thread so I could subscribe to it. (Professor Turley, is there any way to make it possible to subscribe to a thread without posting on it?)

    1. Slartibartfast:

      I have no idea what subscribing means in this context. I am a chimp at all of this. I would be willing to do anything that would add convenience to our group.

  5. Slarti,

    You’ll note the operative word was “starve” vis a vis brains.

  6. Buddha and AY,

    You seem to be misunderstanding the zombie unlife cycle. Zombies are not looking for brains to help them think or because they don’t have their own (albeit zombified) brains – they seek brains for sustenance.

    Professor Turley,

    Thank you for making us aware of this victory in the fight for equal rights for undead americans.

  7. Funny. Based on how we’re told to behave these days you’d think the Minneapolis police would be happy these people acted like Zombies.

  8. I have no problem with the laws governing treatment of a corpse, but once that corpse is up and walking around (and moaning), all bets are off. 🙂

  9. Yes, I do. I also think too much.

    And the Scarecrow was going to see the Wizard because he didn’t have a brain.

    At least that’s what he told me before he got elected to the Senate.

    I think his whole brain acquisition program is on hold as long as he’s in office.

  10. You thik too much Buddha. If they had a brain they would be on the yellow brick road off to see the wizard.

  11. If Zomibes are going to Washington, they are going to starve to death looking for brains, but being soulless they’ll blend right in.

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