The Bear Necessities of Murder: New York Man Planned Murder of Ex-Girlfriend While Wearing Bear Pelt

In New York, Clyde Gardner, 57, hatched a unique plan to kill his ex-girlfriend that involved skinning a bear, hiding among garbage cans, and walking on all fours. After the plan proved a bit too complex, he returned to that old favorite: the car crash. It all ended without an injury when Gardner was accused by the would-be hit man. He pleaded guilty and was sentenced this week.

Here was the original plan. Gardner would hunt down a bear. He would then skin it and wear the pelt. Walking on all fours (which by the way would still leave weight depression problems for the forensic expert to spot), Gardner would then wait among the garbage cans and attack his ex-girlfriend with the claws. After clawing her to death, he would then walk like a bear off to the woods (it is not clear what he thought would happen when the tracks moved from a quadruped to biped.
The junkyard owner decided this might be a bit labor intensive, so he allegedly offered a friend $15,000 (with only $500 down) to kill her with a car crash. Gardner is a demolition derby driver and advised the friend how to make a crash look like an accident, according to the police reports.

Gardner had a child with the woman, who kicked him out on Sept. 25, 2010.

Under a plea deal, Gardner was sentenced to 5 to 15 years in prison and will have an order of protection preventing contact with the woman until 2031.

The problem with the original scheme is that anyone watching the NFL for the last two weekends knows that the Bears are not particularly aggressive this season.

The plea was inevitable when the police found this incriminating video:

I wonder if Bears even kill their ex-girlfriends by posing as humans.

Source: Washington Post

16 thoughts on “The Bear Necessities of Murder: New York Man Planned Murder of Ex-Girlfriend While Wearing Bear Pelt”

  1. Pete-

    I didn’t know ACME makes bear suits. But I know for sure that ACME makes the best Fake Tunnel Paint money can buy.

  2. And, by the way, if you don’t believe what I just said, come to Milwaukee and ask Judge Casimir “Stumpy” Nowakowski.

  3. Blouise-

    Bobcats make very bad courtroom witnesses. For some unknown reason, bobcats get enraged at the sight of black robes. Well, you can just imagine what happens after that.

  4. These puns are just too much to bear…..

    So, the perp was a demlition derby driver? The plan makes it sound as if he has brain damage- not joking at all: this guy is impaired.

  5. The dude should have hired one of HenMan’s bobcats, they barely speak a word of English and thus bear up well under cross examination.

  6. Gene,

    If this person had played his cards right he could have had his bare necessities covered…

  7. “I wonder if Bears even kill their ex-girlfriends by posing as humans.”

    Given the capitalization, that’s one of the funniest sentences I’ve read in days.

  8. And Professor…I too agree with you about your Football Problem….Not much in the way of Baseball either….What is strange go just a little bit Northwest and you will see the American Leagues FARM team the “Brewers” making it into a play off birth….Just not good enough for the American League yet…but if they try….

    Back to the story….This is just a bear assault….

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