We are now just 24 hours away from the greatest contest known in the Western jurisprudential world. On Friday, I will lead four brave torts students to a Virginia paintball field where we will battle Professor Gregory Maggs and four contracts students. Professor Maggs and I auctioned off the opportunity in the George Washington Law School public interest auction — raising almost $3000 to support public interest work by our students. Of course, that worthy purpose pales in comparison with the final showdown between contracts and torts.
Yet, the day before a great battle brings uncertainties and unease by those who must disembark into an unknown future. To the brave men of the Torts team, I offer the following words:
“First years of the Allied Torts Force! You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The hopes and prayers of liberty loving people everywhere march with you.
Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well equipped and battle-hardened. He will fight savagely.
I have full confidence in your courage, devotion to duty and skill in battle. We will accept nothing less than full Victory!
Good Luck! And let us beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great and noble undertaking.”
While the money appears to be on Maggs who is in the Army reserves and trained in combat, he didn’t grow up in Chicago (I intend to sneak into his house tonight and shoot him with paintballs as he sleeps). Besides he doesn’t have my team of tortfeasors trained in matters of assault and battery (the most the contracts team can do is try to get us to sign unconscionable contracts). So without further ado, here is the torts teams that will walk into the valley of paintball death with their tort professor.
JONATHAN FOSTER. Shown here after our mountain climbing and rapel training, Foster is known for his speed and agility in the most paint-saturated battlefields. Fans of Foster recounts his many steady case briefings under the most hostile Socratic questioning.
JEFF GILSON. Shown here after his British police training, Gilson is known as something of an artist with a paintgun. He is famous for spelling out the names of leading torts cases on the bodies of his opponents who are found with only “Polemis” or “Palsgraf” painted on their bodies.
DAVID GLANTON. Shown here with one of our state-of-the-art surveillance devices, Glanton is the ultimate recon menace capable of sneaking up on sleeping contracts combatants and unleashing a withering barrage of paintballs. The class representative of the evening section, Glanton is known for his steely resolve at TGIF functions and faculty meetings (which are often held together).
JOSH HALL. Feared throughout the legal world for cat-like reflexes and steady nerve, Hall is a first year law school shown here with our air assault unit. Hall brings new and menacing meaning to the term of punitive damage. Contracts combatants often dream of a “Hall pass” to avoid encountering this famed paintballer.
I could not choose a better band of torts brothers to face the scourge of contracts law. We shall be guided by the spirit of Learned Hand as we enter the field of battle. In terms of the Hand formula, the burden (B) of our victory will be slight in comparison to the probability (P) of victory and the gravity of the loss (L) for the contracts team. Put in more colloquial terms, the field will run red with the paint of our fallen adversaries.