Daniel Somers was a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom and served with Task Force Lightning, an intelligence unit. He ran more than 400 combat missions as a machine gunner in the turret of a Humvee and interviewed Iraqis and insurgents alike. When he returned, he had PTSD as well as traumatic brain injury and several other war-related conditions. On June 10, 2013, he wrote the letter below to his family. A heartfelt and heart-breaking account of pain and memories that he could not overcome. He tells his family that “I was made to participate in things, the enormity of which is hard to describe. War crimes, crimes against humanity.” You may have seen this but if not it is worth reading. It is worth considering the unfathomable cost of these wars that our politicians, including Obama, allowed to continue for years despite little sign of progress. Men and women like Daniel have paid the cost of a cynical political calculation.
I am sorry that it has come to this.
The fact is, for as long as I can remember my motivation for getting up every day has been so that you would not have to bury me. As things have continued to get worse, it has become clear that this alone is not a sufficient reason to carry on. The fact is, I am not getting better, I am not going to get better, and I will most certainly deteriorate further as time goes on. From a logical standpoint, it is better to simply end things quickly and let any repercussions from that play out in the short term than to drag things out into the long term.
You will perhaps be sad for a time, but over time you will forget and begin to carry on. Far better that than to inflict my growing misery upon you for years and decades to come, dragging you down with me. It is because I love you that I can not do this to you. You will come to see that it is a far better thing as one day after another passes during which you do not have to worry about me or even give me a second thought. You will find that your world is better without me in it.
I really have been trying to hang on, for more than a decade now. Each day has been a testament to the extent to which I cared, suffering unspeakable horror as quietly as possible so that you could feel as though I was still here for you. In truth, I was nothing more than a prop, filling space so that my absence would not be noted. In truth, I have already been absent for a long, long time.
My body has become nothing but a cage, a source of pain and constant problems. The illness I have has caused me pain that not even the strongest medicines could dull, and there is no cure. All day, every day a screaming agony in every nerve ending in my body. It is nothing short of torture. My mind is a wasteland, filled with visions of incredible horror, unceasing depression, and crippling anxiety, even with all of the medications the doctors dare give. Simple things that everyone else takes for granted are nearly impossible for me. I can not laugh or cry. I can barely leave the house. I derive no pleasure from any activity. Everything simply comes down to passing time until I can sleep again. Now, to sleep forever seems to be the most merciful thing.
You must not blame yourself. The simple truth is this: During my first deployment, I was made to participate in things, the enormity of which is hard to describe. War crimes, crimes against humanity. Though I did not participate willingly, and made what I thought was my best effort to stop these events, there are some things that a person simply can not come back from. I take some pride in that, actually, as to move on in life after being part of such a thing would be the mark of a sociopath in my mind. These things go far beyond what most are even aware of.
To force me to do these things and then participate in the ensuing coverup is more than any government has the right to demand. Then, the same government has turned around and abandoned me. They offer no help, and actively block the pursuit of gaining outside help via their corrupt agents at the DEA. Any blame rests with them.
Beyond that, there are the host of physical illnesses that have struck me down again and again, for which they also offer no help. There might be some progress by now if they had not spent nearly twenty years denying the illness that I and so many others were exposed to. Further complicating matters is the repeated and severe brain injuries to which I was subjected, which they also seem to be expending no effort into understanding. What is known is that each of these should have been cause enough for immediate medical attention, which was not rendered.
Lastly, the DEA enters the picture again as they have now managed to create such a culture of fear in the medical community that doctors are too scared to even take the necessary steps to control the symptoms. All under the guise of a completely manufactured “overprescribing epidemic,” which stands in stark relief to all of the legitimate research, which shows the opposite to be true. Perhaps, with the right medication at the right doses, I could have bought a couple of decent years, but even that is too much to ask from a regime built upon the idea that suffering is noble and relief is just for the weak.
However, when the challenges facing a person are already so great that all but the weakest would give up, these extra factors are enough to push a person over the edge.
Is it any wonder then that the latest figures show 22 veterans killing themselves each day? That is more veterans than children killed at Sandy Hook, every single day. Where are the huge policy initiatives? Why isn’t the president standing with thosefamilies at the state of the union? Perhaps because we were not killed by a single lunatic, but rather by his own system of dehumanization, neglect, and indifference.
It leaves us to where all we have to look forward to is constant pain, misery, poverty, and dishonor. I assure you that, when the numbers do finally drop, it will merely be because those who were pushed the farthest are all already dead.
And for what? Bush’s religious lunacy? Cheney’s ever growing fortune and that of his corporate friends? Is this what we destroy lives for
Since then, I have tried everything to fill the void. I tried to move into a position of greater power and influence to try and right some of the wrongs. I deployed again, where I put a huge emphasis on saving lives. The fact of the matter, though, is that any new lives saved do not replace those who were murdered. It is an exercise in futility.
Then, I pursued replacing destruction with creation. For a time this provided a distraction, but it could not last. The fact is that any kind of ordinary life is an insult to those who died at my hand. How can I possibly go around like everyone else while the widows and orphans I created continue to struggle? If they could see me sitting here in suburbia, in my comfortable home working on some music project they would be outraged, and rightfully so.
I thought perhaps I could make some headway with this film project, maybe even directly appealing to those I had wronged and exposing a greater truth, but that is also now being taken away from me. I fear that, just as with everything else that requires the involvement of people who can not understand by virtue of never having been there, it is going to fall apart as careers get in the way.
The last thought that has occurred to me is one of some kind of final mission. It is true that I have found that I am capable of finding some kind of reprieve by doing things that are worthwhile on the scale of life and death. While it is a nice thought to consider doing some good with my skills, experience, and killer instinct, the truth is that it isn’t realistic. First, there are the logistics of financing and equipping my own operation, then there is the near certainty of a grisly death, international incidents, and being branded a terrorist in the media that would follow. What is really stopping me, though, is that I simply am too sick to be effective in the field anymore. That, too, has been taken from me.
Thus, I am left with basically nothing. Too trapped in a war to be at peace, too damaged to be at war. Abandoned by those who would take the easy route, and a liability to those who stick it out—and thus deserve better. So you see, not only am I better off dead, but the world is better without me in it
This is what brought me to my actual final mission. Not suicide, but a mercy killing. I know how to kill, and I know how to do it so that there is no pain whatsoever. It was quick, and I did not suffer. And above all, now I am free. I feel no more pain. I have no more nightmares or flashbacks or hallucinations. I am no longer constantly depressed or afraid or worried
I am free.
I ask that you be happy for me for that. It is perhaps the best break I could have hoped for. Please accept this and be glad for me.
Daniel Somers
Daniel was just 30 years old.
LeeJCaroll and Paul – I agree with your sentiment but, I don’t think the populace has any choice in the matter. For us to rise up, there must be a choice – some action we can take – vote for this person or party over that person or party to effect our choice. However, we have had one “far right” president who started this particular war and one “far left” president who has kept it going and even amped it up.
Recently I have come to the insight that what we have here in America is a Kleptocracy, not a Democracy. I was like an enlightening moment for me. Now I understand why we change parties and leaders Bush 1, Clinton, Bush 2, Obama — and nothing “real” changes. Kleptocracy offers a plausible explanation:
According to Wikipedia: Kleptocracy . . . is a form of political and government corruption where the government exists to increase the personal wealth and political power of its officials and the ruling class at the expense of the wider population, often without pretense of honest service.
This is why we vote for change and get more of the same. We have a system limited to two parties and they are both interested in the same things – enrichment and personal power. Thus, we have no real choice – do our sons deserve to die for that?
Eric, I would hope that if the populace rose up the powers that be could not merely ignore it (or g-d forbid impose their will on us with force)
I am a democrat but I have to wonder about the mixing of the parties so that there is no difference. Why, for instance, did the democrats not run a challenger against John Boehner?. (There was at least one other big race where no challenger was run, essentially ensuring the house would stay in repub hands) This has helped to keep the status quo of obstructionism, allowing Pres Obama to make more executive orders for instance (which some consider a consolidating of executive power),since the work of the people was not being done by the congress.
Is this merely paranoia on my part? Boy, I sure as heck hope so.
uh mb, i hated bush. Bush is a war criminal imo
It’s horrible how many solider’s kill themselves, I wish Daniel Somers family the deepest regrets.
It hardly needs more exemplification this horror of war : however this endless story of war, how wrong it is, and its consequences are well told in todays example of Afghanistan by Sebastian Junger (of Perfect Storm fame) in his movie Restrepo and the book “War”.
What is curious to me, taking the long view, is how every war is decreed to be horrible and unbearable inhumane, and yet we, as a species, seem unable to stop doing it.
I love and appreciate many of the comments in response to this post. Thank you.
And I am reminded that this war in Iraq was horrible before we read this account. Before this man took his life. We have to remember and feel the horror of all this before we start the war, not only in sad dirges sung after the casualties begin to arrive.
It has always struck me as one of our most egregious faults in our body politic that we hail the soldiers with trumpets and songs as we toss them into the fray, and do our best to ignore them when they return wounded and damaged : indictments of our ill placed passions. Reminders of our shame.
And this is not just an Iraq/Afghanistan War story. This treatment of our warriors is just one chapter of the never-ending-story. “All Quiet on the Western Front”; Mai Lai; The VA administration problems; The deathly conditions found in the Walter Reed Hospital a few years ago; Soldiers who cannot find good work upon return, much less necessary (and promised) help they need… And on and on…the list of could, and does, occupy volumes.
Sadly, when we turn our gaze to the individuals who do our bidding we see, at a
scale we can identify with : this man, this horror, this tragedy of him taking his life.
This man stands as just one example of those who do the unspeakable things in our name and suffer the unbearable, inhuman stresses as a result.
Then we must turn our gaze back to the larger political forces that not only enable, but engender these wars and “their cynical political calculation”.
Like this for example: how much money did Dick Cheney make for the involvement of Halliburton in these wars? How much wealth was transferred from the public to those corporations called, euphemistically, our Defense Contractors. Not Offense? Did their stock rise as the drumsounds of war increased? Who benefited?
It is corruption and a fundamental inhumanity at a level and scale that almost defies description.
(Lest someone wish to take me to task for that last comment (and please do) let me ponder how it is that War is so profitable an exercise? And why do we allow these companies and individuals to become fabulously wealthy feeding the beasts of war?
Why should this be the way it is? I think the answer to this inquiry will begin to respond to the larger issues raised in the original post (“… the unfathomable cost of these wars that our politicians, including Obama, allowed to continue….”) )
Some links to the Restrepo film:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DjqR6OucBc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zk0Ipk5Jbo
Thank you JT for the post.
Michael
From one who knows and can speak of it:
Something I remember:
Seconded.
Thank you Michael B.
@Marv
Wait I thought Obama was gonna fix it all! I thought he was all about peace and love an all that jazz.
Oh wait I know. HILLARY will solve it all!!!! Right?!?!
YEAH HILLARY WILL FIX IT. HILLARY 2016!!! SHE WILL BRING PEACE.
Fools.
—————
You demean yourself and you trivialize this tragic event.
If you have a moment take your head out of your dogmas and silly rants and ask deeper and better questions.
Assuming, of course that you are moved by the human condition and tragedy deeper than some political score card you keep.
Assuming that you actually have a thought and an emotional response beyond some odd glee over this mans horrific experience in that horrific and seriously flawed war, just what do you think when you think about how this F***cking war got started? How do you respond to that?
Rather than trivializing the event, I think rather that you simply expose how trivial you are. None of what you blurt is true, or ever asserted to be true… It is your own blinkered, barely concealed hatred seeping out.
This man, Daniel Somers, will not be trivialized by the likes of you.
Michael
Wait I thought Obama was gonna fix it all! I thought he was all about peace and love an all that jazz.
Oh wait I know. HILLARY will solve it all!!!! Right?!?!
YEAH HILLARY WILL FIX IT. HILLARY 2016!!! SHE WILL BRING PEACE.
Fools.
My stepfather, a World War II veteran, worked until his retirement in the general mechanics shop at the Veterans Administration Hospital in Long Beach, California. He had some depressing days, he told me, but particularly when he had to fix some equipment in the ward where wounded men lay paralyzed for life from the neck down, kept breathing only by the iron lungs that encased them.
Often, he would say: “I can’t tell you how many times one or another of these men has asked me, as an act of mercy, to ‘just pull the plug’ and end it all. But, of course, I could never do that.” As sad as these instances made him, dad never cried when speaking of such things.
But one time I remember him telling me of a guy in the ward who could hold one end of a small paintbrush in his mouth with which he would draw illustrated greeting cards on an easel placed near enough to his face so that he could work by moving just his head and neck. Dad burst into tears when he told me about this terribly limited, but still gifted man. The beauty of it. Something about the human spirit.
It grieves me to learn of another veteran ending his own life because he could see no further way to make creative use of it. Another voice lost before its allotted time. Something by Dylan Thomas seems appropriate here:
“Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
Eric, about 10 years ago I came to the same conclusion as leejcaroll. Our congress refuses to do its job and declare war. Instead they sit back and give the money to the Prez to prosecute an “action”. If we had a draft then we the people would at least be part of the discussion since Congress shows no signs of having a backbone. I believe leejcaroll was correct in that it was the draft that ended the Vietnam war. Everyone knew someone that was in the war if not injured or killed. Have a draft, no exceptions, if you don’t serve active duty you serve in the peace corp or some other non profit, underpaid position. When everyone has a piece in the “action” the action will be something we all get behind.
When “War” is fought, it should be declared by Congress. Dropping bombs or missiles from a drone on a foreign country is an act of war. To say otherwise is pure fallacy.
We have collectively failed the young men/women who were sent off as cannon-fodder on fool’s errands to advance the empty ideologies espoused by the US’s political elite.
The blame lies with the person looking back at you in the mirror.
Daniel Somers surely did not deserve the result he faced. It is clear in the eloquent letter he lastly gave us we are seeing a man at the very limit of human strength and resolve and having concluded that he no longer could continue; that his death is all that would liberate him. It was too much, for far too long. Why should anyone be pushed to that point in a just society?
His letter should be in my view mandatory reading for anyone in congress and the presidency just before they get caught up in the storm of going to war, as on commenter pointed out “these old men and women”, and using our young men and women as pawns. And they spend their evenings at their cocktail parties, expensive galas, and glad handing each other in self promotion all on the taxpayers’ dime and the backs of our soldiers in the trenches.
You have to wonder if these politicians are truly of the belief that engaging in these protracted military expeditions is necessary and right, could they honestly say that the price would be a daily toll of 24 men and women such as Daniel Somers being pushed to the limit and dying after years of turmoil? And, would they themselves be so willing to go to the front and assume the same risk and possibly the same result of these soldiers?
Or would that be simply to inconvenient for our politicians.
Eric, no. My point is that what is looks like it would take to finally get the populace to stand up, call for the end of the wars, and bring our children home.
The shame is the fact that we are sending young men into places like Afghanistan, Iraq etc. that come back damaged and for what? It’s time to get out and protect our own.
This is tragic in and of itself, but if Mr. Somers truly was involved in war crimes, the second tragedy is that he could not (or would not) work to bring justice to the perpetrators of those crimes. (Which is not intended as a judgment about Mr. Somers, but rather is a statement of opinion.)
OS: ‘For me personally, the sad part is the fact none of this comes as a surprise.’
Well said, OS.
leejcaroll – really??? Your solution is to provide our kleptocracy with more cannon fodder by coercion?
Forgot to add the referenced link to the DKos story. Here it is:
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2013/06/22/1218031/-Presented-Without-Comment
Michaelb – you are so right. We live in a kleptocracy, not a democracy. Who, in their right mind, would fight for that?