By Mike Appleton, Weekend Contributor
“Until you give men like Rodger a way to have sex, either by encouraging them to learn game, seek out a Thai wife, or engage in legalized prostitution-three things that the American media and cultural elite venomously attack, it’s inevitable for another massacre to occur. Even game itself, as useful as it is on an individual level, is a band-aid fix upon a culture which has stopped rewarding nice guys while encouraging female whoring to benefit only the top 10% of alpha males, all in the name of societal progress.”
-Roosh, “No One Would Have Died If PUAHate Killer Elliot Rodger Learned Game,” http://www.returnofkings.com (June 1, 2014).
When I was in high school in the early ’60s, the Loretto Academy prom was a significant annual event. Loretto was a Catholic school for girls, and I attended Jesuit High School, an all boys school. Much of our social interaction was with the girls of Loretto. Our drama societies jointly produced plays. Loretto provided our homecoming sweethearts. Loretto Academy was our sister school, if you will.
So as a high school junior I was excited about the upcoming Loretto prom, and was hoping that one of several girls I particularly liked would invite me. Then one evening, a good two months before the event, I received a call from Helen (not her real name). I had known Helen since grammar school. She was tall and thin and plain-looking. She was also very smart and very sweet, attributes too frequently unappreciated by 16 year-old boys. She had called, she said, to invite me to the prom.
I confess that I was disappointed at that moment, and I have wondered on occasion whether Helen could sense the disappointment in my voice. My mind raced. I could not tell her that I had already been invited. And if I declined the invitation and attended the prom with someone else, would I be embarrassed? Would she? “I’d love to go,” I blurted out. “Thank you for asking me.”
Several weeks later, my mother came home one afternoon and was quite agitated. She had seen Helen and her mother at a local department store, shopping for a prom dress. Helen’s mother had mentioned that they could find nothing that “didn’t just hang on that girl,” and she had said it loudly enough for Helen and others to hear. My mother was incensed that Helen’s mother would publically humiliate her own daughter in that manner. “She’s such a nice girl, ” she said, “but it’s no wonder that she has so little self-confidence. ”
As prom night neared, my classmates began talking about their dates. When I told my friends that I would be going with Helen, the teasing began. I mostly ignored it, but it angered me nonetheless.
The evening finally came and I awkwardly pinned the mandatory corsage onto Helen’s gown while our parents took equally awkward pictures. She was radiant and for the first time I was glad that she had invited me. I was determined to enjoy the evening and to make certain that Helen enjoyed it as well.
The hotel ballroom that night was decorated in traditional prom fashion, featuring streaming paper ribbons and balloons, bored parents coaxed into serving as chaperones, small seating tables with centerpieces and candles, a large buffet table containing a punch bowl, small glasses, plates and snack foods. A local band played the music we all danced to in those days, the twist, the bop, the stroll, the watusi, the bunny hop.
Sometime after we arrived, I went over to the buffet table and began to fill two glasses with punch. The taunts from some of my friends began immediately. How were things going with Helen? Was she my steady girlfriend now? Had I kissed her? Were we slow dancing? Even my football coach grinned at me and asked in a slightly mocking manner whether I should be leaving my prom date by herself for very long with all the good-looking guys in the room. And I said nothing. I carried the glasses back to where Helen was sitting, feeling red-faced and ashamed at my own cowardice. I had been more concerned with my friends’ perception of me than of the crude disrespect they had shown Helen. And I had said nothing.
I thought of Helen and that prom again while reading the various reactions to the recent Santa Barbara spree killings. Of course Elliot Rodger was insane. But his misogyny was not incidental to his insanity. It was central to it. It was its fuel. All spree killers act out of hatred of one sort or another, but only a fool argues that our culture of misogyny should not be part of the discussion, and fools abound.
Misogyny, racism, religious bigotry, homophobia and all other forms of group hatred share at least two characteristics. The first is a lack of recognition of individual human dignity, a refusal to respect every person one encounters as an autonomous moral agent, a failure to regard human beings as ends in themselves, the foundational duty of all morality.
The second is that all forms of hatred are learned. They have teachers and students. Some students become ardent proponents. And some students, like Elliot Rodger, go mad.
When I stood at that punch bowl, I allowed misogynistic disrespect to go unrebutted. I should have told my friends that Helen deserved the same consideration as every other girl in the room. I should have challenged the assumption that girls are trophies to be won through degrading competitions and that I had settled on someone whose physical attractiveness somehow made her a less worthy “prize” in the contest. I should have called them out on their shallow, callous cruelty. But I said nothing and became complicit by my silence.
So now, Helen, wherever you are, I hope you are well. I want to thank you, sincerely this time, for honoring me with the invitation to spend that special evening with you. And I ask you now, fifty years later, to forgive me for not having said the things I should have said so long ago.
Mike, the conscience you have preserved is a treasure far too many in our bully infected culture have lost.
A lot of men (boys) think they deserve super models. I wonder how many Helens this murderer overlooked in his quest for what he ‘deserved’?
Oh, I wonder how many women Rush could snag if he didn’t have all that loot.
Reblogged this on Citizens, not serfs.
For a woman, unless she is upper class, beauty is a curse. Lucky Helen, the stupid, sexist men weren’t interested in her.
Political Correctness Must Go,
There is a vast difference between “Political Correctness” and “Common Courtesy”.
Refraining from publicly or privately insulting someone; anyone because of the way they look is not “Political Correctness” It is common decency and humanity.
I agree with you that Political Correctness is phony and pussyfied.
So is cruelty and meanness.
I very much enjoyed reading that.
My misogyny is twisted. Recently I’ve been imbued with a bizarre notion as I observe geopolitics. I can’t believe the President of the United States would stand idly by as Russia annexed Crimea and provided asylum to an American “traitor,” as Syria was consumed with war, as China laid exclusive claim to the South China Sea and as Mexico held hostage an honorable, innocent Marine. In my opinion, if Bill Clinton was the first black President, Barack Obama is the first woman President. That must be the very definition of misogyny.
I had a good time. I never heard any of that stuff said about me until now. I went on to become a successful person in life both financially and have a great number of men in my life. Not now, but in the past. Where do you live now Mike, and are you available, because I have a prom of sorts coming up?
Oh please. Helen was probably happy inside guys viewed her as attractive. Nobody wants to be viewed as unattractive. You think Helen didnt know that all the guys viewed her as plain and unattractive? What do you think bothererd her more? Guys not interested in her or guys looking at her with lust? Get real.
Why must we pretend we are not men and women and instead some homogenized non offensive grey blob of nothingness.
Im not saying you should treat her like ‘Biff Tannen’ but there is NOTHING wrong with men viewing women sexually anymore than women do it to men and oh btw? Women do the SAME THING.
So sick of how ball-less men have become. Give a lesbian your penis and get a vagina then both of you will be happy.
‘Your misogyny’…Oh brother….*roll eyes*
Its time to beat back Political Correctness. It is seriously out of control. So many men are no longer being men. They are women.
Mike, good for you. I found myself in a similar situation,… Ironically I also went to a Jesuit High School and we also had a local Catholic girls school as well … I won’t mention where … Anyway, I was just friends with a girl at the school –we never dated before and never dated after her prom ,… We did dance together occasionally at our high school’s dances when I went to them dateless. Anyway, she called me up and asked if I would be her date at her school’s Senior Prom. I had taken a former flame to my Senior Prom which had been about two weeks ahead of hers. I could have easily have shut her down. I decided that evening though, like you, this one time I would try to make it her night and accepted. Got her a corsage, rented the tux, took her to the dance, “parking” afterwards etc etc… Anyway, I tried to make it her night. Never heard from her again so never really received any feedback whether she had enjoyed herself. Both of our schools were small so as the years have gone by we have started having joint reunions from both schools so as to get larger participation….individual classes might get 10 people showing up and we now regularly pull in over 100. She has never participated, though. So you do have one kindred spirit here. Regards …
Good on you, Mike. And an important observation that will likely not get the discussion in so desperately deserves. I hope “Helen” sees this and is reminded (because I’m sure even back then she knew), that you are a true gentleman and scholar.
You are an extraordinary man.
What Darren said. People and the media like simple. Life is never simple.
And good for you, Mike. The fact that an incident can still trouble the conscience even after decades pass, speaks volumes about your character.
You have a good heart and Catholic guilt. It is ironic that people who do not need guilt to do the right thing are often overwhelmed by guilt. And, those who could use a healthy dose of guilt don’t have a lick of it. I actually think it’s chauvinistic to think you would need to say anything to the idiots. You treated Helen like a true gentleman would. That’s all that matters. Screw guilt, Mike. You don’t need it. Great story. And great tie in w/ one of the real issues of this complex tragedy.
You are a far better gentleman than they Mike.
As for the statement at the top of your article few realize an issue with our culture, and undoubtedly many others, is that people tend to assign one cause for a particular event such as this when usually it is multifaceted. I believe because of this many will then arrive at a simplistic conclusion based upon singular causation since when they weigh evidence as to what were the most likely causes, the top cause is chosen and the rest disregarded. Sadly, many preconceived and incorrect assumptions are held and some choose not to broaden their understanding of particular subjects.
Mr Appleton you one in a million coming from someone (myself) who hates her looks literally because all i can see is the trouble it caused me. i wasnt part of the in crowd because i didnt want to be. girls didnt want to be my friend because they were afraid i would someday take their boyfriend and guys only wanted to be my friend so they could attempt to claim me as a trophy.. its a fork in the road some of the beautiful dont care to cross and many would die if they didnt… my brains didnt count only my beauty I thank my higher power everyday that i didnt allow myself to fall into the trap..knowingly though i did unwittingly and realized almost to late. that i had.
I wish you and your family well in all you do
Having been a young guy, you acted in a respectful manner despite the comment from peers and even the teacher, who should’ve known better. That you feel regret these many years later has proven you have learned that the totality of woman is more more than her desirability quotient. Rogers wasn’t an unattractive young man, if the females he so desired spurned him, it was probably more related to his personality.
Thank you.
Wow! I can’t imagine that you are not forgiven.
Great story Mike! Helen was lucky to have you as her date.