By Darren Smith, Weekend Contributor

eliot-nessA Manatee County Florida Sheriff’s Detective solved what could have been one of the greatest heists of recent memory.

Crime solver, Detective Todd Zink, caught a recently released inmate red handed; saving John Q. Taxpayer and the state treasury a tidy fortune.

Suspecting that this sly cad might have lifted something before she was released from jail, Detective Zink showed an impressive level of clairvoyance when his tough, streetwise diligence tracked her down before she could fence the loot to the underworld. The theft of this treasure, as with other fine works of art and antiquities to the illicit international art market, would represent an unparalleled loss to the culture of our great republic.

We invite you to read on, for another exciting chapter of Detective Zink, the Eliot Ness of Florida.

Behold my dear readers, the treasure that nearly slipped away:

The Loot
The Loot

The crime, theft: The scene, Manatee County Jail Booking/Release: The loot, a Spork.

Detective Todd “Eliot Ness” Zink wrote the words of this great story for us. His case report tells of his all-seeing, and all-knowing mastery over the criminal mind, which led not only to the theft but was successful in extracting a confession out of the perp. Yet he showed great humility in leading an otherwise wayward young woman away from a life in crime through penitence.

In his own words, Detective Zink’s inspiring account:

The “Perp” was released from the MSO jail on 12/17/14 at 0641 hours. On 12/24/14 I was browsing Facebook and saw a post and picture in the news feed from “the perp” of a spork that she had stole from the jail when she was released. The picture was of the spork with the comment “just a pic of a souvenir I picked up from my 6 month vacation.” Ensuing comments from “the perp” included, “port manatee” and “it wasn’t easy to get out with me….that’s for sure!!!” On 1/2/15 I went to her address listed in JMS, but I did not locate her. On 1/5/15 I called the number for her mother that was listed in JMS, and left a voice mail asking for “the perp” to call me back, which she did, about an hour or so later. I asked her if she had taken something with her when she left and she said she did and apologized for doing so. I asked her if she would return it in exchange for not filing charges and she did so on 1/6/15, leaving it at the Guard Shack as I requested. The value of the spork is around $.02. Since it is unknown how “the perp” transported the sport out of the jail, I marked it as a “biohazard” and put it into Property and Evidence to be destroyed.”

CRIME SOLVED, dear friends!

Finally! The citizens of Manatee County can rest at night; assured that all is well in their communities. For it is because of the efforts of strong men like Detective Zink that county residents now have the lowest crime rate in the United States as every policeman who serves there has nothing else better to do.

Every criminal and misdemeanant will now think twice before attempting even the most mediocre of transgressions because a cunning detective is watching. His name is Zink and he carries a badge (and a laptop).

By Darren Smith, Weekend Crime Reporter


The Smoking Gun
Joey “The Snitch” McCulsky
Donny Twelve Toes

The hyperbole expressed in this posting are the author’s alone and not those of the blog, the host, or other weekend bloggers. As an open forum, weekend bloggers post independently without pre-approval or review. Content and any displays or art are solely their decision and responsibility.


  1. The police, like most government officials, have too much time on their hands. People keep voting for new taxes to keep this kind of thing going on. If we gave them the kind of budget the average person has, this kind of stuff would not be going on.

  2. A turbo-charged variant of broken windows–stolen sporks. Maybe the Sheriff’s Dept should wage war on white collar crime by launching a sting operation aimed at the miscreants who take pencils home from the office

  3. If I was Det. Zink’s supervisor, when it came time to write his performance evaluation I’d give him a big BFD for this report. Small minds, small salary increases, small opportunities for promotion.

  4. Why not return them to the jail for reuse? That would save another $.02 per spork! What a waste! I can understand at high crime places, but a jail can have jailees wash them in hot soapy water. If he destroys them, the taxpayer saves nothing!

    What do they pay this guy?

  5. I guess surfing the social network online is well worth it for some people. It would be nice if those were the only crimes we had to worry about in this country.

  6. An additional concern has arisen. Det. Zink classified the recovered spork as possibly being a biohazard, which raises the question where the perp secreted the contraband when she was released.i fear it may have been a body cavity and surely this would require that the item be photographed and then incinerated. One cannot be too careful.

    1. William Hefner – I think the ‘perp’ has a civil action against Det. Zink for declaring it a biohazard. He clearly is defaming the ‘perp’ and has probably ended her sex life.

  7. Thanks to Detective Zink. Who knows what might have been next for this perp? If a spork is that easy, is a bank next on her agenda. It appears unfortunately that Florida’s efforts at rehabilitation are failing miserably.

  8. That is just sad. Every prisoner should be able to keep at least one spork. At least they did not waste any money on this investigation.

  9. Wow. Another Spork theft has been solved! Whatever Manatee County is paying Mr. Zink, it is way too much!

  10. At least he now has something that he can boast about.

    Want to bet how many times his family will hear the story of his heroic actions?

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