Most Hapless Felon Ever

By Darren Smith, Weekend Contributor

Every year in reading of the human experience, individuals continue to reinforce the notion that while intelligence has its limits, stupidity knows no bounds. But today’s case-study  imports an existential question into the latter element: Stupidity can be so self-actualized, that it succeeds in preventing procreation, thus constraining the bounds of inheritable haplessness.

It all began simply enough–a felon reportedly stuffed a pistol into the front pocket of his pants and shot himself in the testicles. And yes, the story does get worse for him.

The twenty-seven-year-old, thirteen time convicted felon personified the words of Justice Oliver Holmes, Jr.: “Three generations of imbeciles are enough” and partook in a vigilante form of a 19th century criminal procedure–“prevention of procreation“–by shooting himself in the testicles.

As a convicted felon, the defendant is statutorily prohibited from possessing firearms.

According to a Probable Cause Affidavit filed in Chelan County Washington Superior Court, our hapless felon stuffed a pistol into his front pocket, the gun discharged, and sent a round into his thigh via his testicles.  Afterward, he instructed his girlfriend to drive him to a nearby park where he reportedly disposed of the gun by giving it to a friend before he went to hospital.

If that wasn’t enough trouble or hardship for any man, the gifts just kept on giving.

During surgery, to retrieve the bullet and sew Humpty’s Dumplings back together again, a baggie containing marijuana slipped out of his anus.

Patients arriving with gunshot wounds in Washington require mandatory reporting to law enforcement. Detectives arrived and later searched his vehicle, finding evidence of the crime (bloody pants) along with reportedly a quantity of methamphetamine.

The police decided against arresting the suspect while he was in hospital and instead pursued an arrest warrant.  The defendant later turned himself in at the county jail to answer the warrant.

Because of the choice of hiding marijuana in nether-regions within his person, detectives forewarned jailers–providing them with reasonable cause to demand a strip-search. Unsurprisingly, custody officers found another bag of marijuana in his rectum. (No, it didn’t nearly kill him like the bullet could have)

Though Marijuana is legal to possess by most adults, it is still contraband in a corrections facility. While there has been test cases recently at the appellate level involving intent to introduce contraband into jail facility of those unexpectedly (by the defendant) arrested by police, contraband introduction by a person who surrenders themselves voluntarily seems a prima-facie case of intent.

If three felony charges weren’t enough (our hapless defendant seems to have endeavored to achieve a Hat Trick / Trifecta of charges) he then reportedly called his girlfriend several times on a recorded jail telephone and told her not to cooperate with police, earning himself a Witness Tampering charge.

The defendant pleaded not guilty to Second Degree Unlawful Possession of a Firearm (Felon in Possession), Possession of a Controlled Substance–Felony, Introducing Contraband, and Tampering with a Witness. Bail is set at $110,000.00

With thirteen prior felony convictions and these reported incidents, I recommend our defendant abandon crime and instead seek some appropriate job training…perhaps something computer related. I’d say he might be a natural for learning the UNIX operating system.

By Darren Smith

Source: Wenatchee World

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