Ok, I have been a criminal defense attorney for over two decades but I am not sure how you charge this crime. In Thomas Township, Michigan, police arrested a 29-year-old man for “receiving sexual favors from a vacuum” at a car wash. As Hoover once advertised, “Nobody does it like Hoover.”
While money was exchanged, it is probably not solicitation or prostitution. While the vacuum is probably less than ten years old, there is no violation with a minor. Bestiality is out of the question, even if it was a Dyson DC15 Animal Vacuum Cleaner.
It is simply a sign of a declining society when men turn to vacuums when there are plenty of park picnic tables available. In his defense, however, some of these vacuums have always been vamps with amps. Consider the Fragramatics that boast being on “a pedestal” with “full service fragrance dispensers.” Is it surprising that a man is caught in flagrante delicto with a fragrance dispensing, pedestal posing machine set to shag?
For the full story, click here.
Thanks to Sally for the reminder on the Hoover slogan.
This made me think of some of Hoover Vacuum Cleaners famous slogans..
“Nobody does it like Hoover”
and
“Deep down you want Hoover”
Does this vacuum/prostitute have a pimp??
This reminds me of a story in a local (Florida) paper 15-20 years ago. A man was hospitalized after he had to be rescued fro a hotel swimming pool by emergency personnel. It seems that he was seeking sexual relief from the return nozzle of the circulation system, swelling ensued and he was not able to “disengage”. They actually printed his name and I always wondered how you could ever face anyone you knew ever again after being caught in that sort of situation.
Different strokes for different folks. It’s all good!
Buzz79,
I can imagine that the guy caught with his pants down with the vacuum cleaner will have a tough time explaining this news item for quite awhile!
Raff,
The vacuum has a pump. Darn those pesky vowels. And you better be careful about how you treat his hose. Don’t knock ‘em around. I hear he’s a mean one. Carries a switchblade.
Buzz, a couple of years ago, I recall reading an article where a family stopping for a surprise visit found the elderly grandfather bleeding on the floor after trying to copulate with a vacuum. He took the hose off to get more suction apparently and didn’t take the fan into account. That alone make me steer clear of hose and pimps, er, pumps.
Raff,
The vacuum has a pump. Darn those pesky vowels. And you better be careful about how you treat his hose. Don’t knock ‘em around. I hear he’s a mean one. Carries a switchblade.
Buzz,
A couple of years ago, I recall reading an article where a family stopping for a surprise visit found the elderly grandfather bleeding on the floor after trying to copulate with a vacuum. He took the hose off to get more suction apparently and didn’t take the fan into account. That alone make me steer clear of hose and pimps, er, pumps.
Buddha,
That story about the grandfather and the vacuum hose was even painful to read!
This story ’sucks’ …
Sorry for the double post. WordPress error.
What concerns me is the lack of warning labels on this model. How was a drunk man supposed to anticipate these injuries? Surely the company could have anticipated this particular use of their product and warned against it.
Another example of corporate greed and failure to adequately warn innocent consumers of the latent dangers of products. There has to be quite a class of plaintiffs out there suffering in silence with similar suction-related injuries.
Has there ever been a clearer example of Res Ipsa?
I’m working on a new ad that opens with “Have you been injured in a 24 hour car wash by an over-aggressive vacuum? Call Attorney Lionel Hutz today…”
David,
Your idea is a good one although some people may object to a warning that states: “Insertion of your penis into vacuum hose may result in injury (such as blindness) and humiliation. Patrons are advised to seek out local picnic tables for this purpose.”
Buddha,
The grandfather with the vacuum is not nearly so bad as the guy who lost a testicle trying to masturbate with a belt sander…
Jill,
I’d think they’d have to list blindness and hairy palms on a separate Side effects label.
Gyges,
Those should both go in a Black Box warning!
He’ll probably sue…just like the woman with the hot coffee at mcdonalds did all those years ago.
Common sense really lacks in today’s society!
Looks like Zappa’s Joe’s Garage was prophetic.