Holy Assault and Battery, Batman: Batman Star Christian Bale Arrested for Assault on Mother and Sister

Not exactly the press that the flaks were hoping for. Batman star Christian Bale has been arrested for assault on his mother and sister. He could also face a personal injury action — a possibility that seems a bit more likely with a film that shattered the earlier record held by Spiderman (who notably stayed felony-free during both production and syndication). With $156 million in a three-day weekend of sales, it is likely to draw not just viewers but litigants aplenty.

Police allowed Christian Bale and his wife Sibi to attend the European premiere of The Dark Knight despite pending criminal allegations by his mother and sister that he committed assault at the Dorchester Hotel. His mother, Jenny, 61, and his sister, Sharon, 40, signed out complaints against him, according to media reports.

It appears that the utility belt has a speed dial for criminal defense counsel.

The police simply released the statement that “a 34-year-old man attended a central London police station this morning by appointment and was arrested in connection with an allegation of assault. He currently remains in custody.”

The problem is that Batman has a history of count proliferation and over-zealous prosecution against others. Consider his argument in one of his most famous court appearances: “We are gathered here today to prove that Catwoman, Joker, and their men are guilty of several major offenses. To wit: robbery, attempted murder, assault…..and battery! Mayhem, and overtime parking.”

He also has a history of violence and even a certain taste for violence, as when he told Robin: “Let’s give them a taste of our knuckles, shall we?”

Of course, Bale can chose from a variety of prior lines in his defense.

The best is probably the line during one of his Bat-climbs: “I wish we could help you, citizen, but we’re just a couple of ordinary crimefighters going about our mundane business.”

With regard to his family accusers, there is also “It never would have worked if it hadn’t been for the two skeletons in your closet.”

There is always “Nothing has ever cut me so deeply to the quick. No blow ever struck by any archvillain has ever hurt me so acutely [as that little boy’s ‘boo’.]”

He could also assume the identity of Bruce Wayne and insist: “The good works of my Wayne Foundation require that I stay above the brawl of politics.”

What he should not use is: “No, I’d rather pay just like every other ordinary citizen.”

I would also not recommend his earlier closing argument line: “In the interests of law, order, justice, good fellowship, and the flag, you must convict them to keep our streets safe from evil persons. Thank you.”

For the latest on the story, click here.

4 thoughts on “Holy Assault and Battery, Batman: Batman Star Christian Bale Arrested for Assault on Mother and Sister”

Comments are closed.