Gnome de Guerre: Pennsylvania Man Convicted of Aggravated Assault with Garden Gnome

Charles S. Morrison, 31, of Greensburg, Pennsylvania proved that a person with a temper and a garden gnome can be a dangerous combination. Morrison was convicted of five criminal charges, including aggravated assault for throwing a 2-pound concrete garden gnome through a glass door at his stepdaughter.


The glass from the door struck Kelsey Anderson above her right eye. ,

In case you spot the culprit, the gnome is described as “about a foot tall, wore a hat, a blue shirt over a bulging stomach and a wide grin.” If spotted, you should avoid contact and call the police.

At the trial, Anderson testified that Morrison was drunk on the morning of Feb. 4th and threatened to hit her while calling her offensive names. She pushed in out the door and he responded by throwing the gnome.

He insisted that he was not aiming for Anderson, but the jury took only 90 minutes to convict him. It certainly did not help that before the gnome toss, Morrison smashed a telephone and cut the phone lines into the house.

He is facing up to 10 years in jail and a lifetime of being hounded by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Gnomes (PETG).

The verdict will not result in any significant change in lifestyle for Morrison. He is already serving 15 months to five years in prison after he pleaded guilty to a sixth drunken driving offense since 1997.

For the full story, click here.

33 thoughts on “Gnome de Guerre: Pennsylvania Man Convicted of Aggravated Assault with Garden Gnome”

  1. I was speaking ill of mimes!

    [McClane and Zeus are speeding through Central Park]
    Zeus: Are you aiming for these people?
    John McClane: No. [Pauses] Well, maybe that mime.

    (I think that’s from Die Hard with a Vengence.)

  2. JT –

    Ha-ha, hilarious! And a fair point. I don’t mind the eating people so much, but their appearance–maybe the trolls could try some botox or something. Those fuller lips might make a big difference …

    Speaking of the Olympic lip-syncing, The Daily Show said about it, “And you thought your childhood was tough. Imagine the entire government getting together and deciding you weren’t cute enough!”

  3. Here, Here Mojo. Trust me, there will come a time when a song by a Troll will be lip synced by a gnome in a future Olympics. It is all about the cute factor and that little quirk of eating people crossing bridges.

    JT

  4. Hey Cro-Mag, you had your fifteen minutes with the Caveman commercials.

    Now the professor has got me thinking about trolls … and frankly I do feel a bit ashamed. Except, you know, gnomes are just “cuter”. Nobody would have made so much of a fuss over baby seals or dolphins if they looked more like hyenas or halibut.

    I’m just saying …

  5. Methinks the good Professor doth protest too much! And as for glossing over the pogrom against the Billy Goat Gruff family, I say “shame.” In protest, I shall never cross another bridge unless enveloped in a motor vehicle for protection and I shall race through any so-called tolls which I know directly support the work of these nefarious creatures, hell-bent on the distortion of the sterling record of achievement of the gnomes. Gviva Gla Gnomes!

  6. I strongly contest the suggestion of people like Mespo that I am anti-Gnome. Some of my best friends are gnomes.

    I will note that Jill has made anti-troll comments without a single note of objection. If there is a major civil rights battle brewing over mythical creatures, think of the trolls. No one wants a troll on the front yard. No one ever says “you’re as smart as a troll” or “you’re as tough as a troll.” Yet, trolls have lived for thousands of years under bridges in balance with nature. Indeed, if they have one flaw (besides eating people who cross bridges) it is that they are too trusting (unlike gnomes who are notoriously suspicious). Consider those juvenile delinquents: the three Billy Goat Gruff. Their victory and the death of a defenseless troll is celebrated in nighttime stories.

    So, while Gnomes on Travelocity and other sites are raking in the green, trolls remain at marginalized insular minority. This historical abuse would not occur if we had a National Association for the Advancement of Troll People or the People for the Ethical Treatment of Trolls (PETT) or a Trollpeace organization. If you believe in justice, forget those self-engrossed gnomes and go to a bridge and embrace a troll.

  7. The guy should have gnome better than to behave this way. Also, AP reports the Travelocity Gnome could not be reached for comment …

  8. Are we sure it wasn’t just the little guy from the Travelocity commericals?

  9. There’s no place like gnome

    I’ll be gnome for Christmas

    There’s no place like gnome for the holidays….

    etc.

  10. Patty C:

    I echo your sentiments and will resolve to have that conversation in a quiet moment with our host.

  11. Mespo, you and I may have to take him aside, sit him down and have a long and honest conversation about the the whole embarrassing black (white-face) jockey coachman scandals, the ongoing tackiness introduced by the first pink flamingo yard placement and, of course, the never ending questionable, scandalous, Gazing Balls.

    I think it’s time…

  12. I am very concerned that Professor Turley is advocating a grass roots movement against the entire gnome population. Why no stories of Smurf excesses? Those little blue creatures stake no claim to perfection either. I also note with interest that not one fairy or elf has ever incurred his wrath, and he cites Harry Potter characters with stunning regularity and approval. He positively gushes over Yoda and that gang of diminutive ruffians from a galaxy far, far away. To make amends I suggest that he venture off his high horse of gnomish fanaticism, and come down to earth with the rest of us and enjoy the simple pleasures of Leprechauns!

  13. Jill,
    I never did like those sneaky garden Gnomes. However, this Morrison nut needs a long cooling off period behind bars.

  14. I’m glad Morrison is headed to jail. As to Gnomes–I believe they are the evil love child of mimes and trolls. Sacre under a bridge!

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