My Totally Radiculous Ride: Fourteen-Year-Old Boy in Chicago Tricks Police Into Giving Him a Squad Car and Assignment for Five Hours

thumb_policeman_cartoonThe Chicago Police Department is struggling to explain this morning how a 14-year-old boy walked into Grand Crossing District station impersonating a police officer and was given an assignment in a squad car for five hours before anyone realized that he was too young to drive, let one patrol the streets of the city.

It was reportedly not until he returned to do paperwork that officers noticed that he had no badge and no gun. The uniform appears to have been stolen and the boy has been arrested previously for impersonating an officer.

Deputy Superintendent Daniel Dugan insists that the kids really looks older than his age — missing the fact that anyone who appears an adult can just grab a patrol car and start police work in Chicago.

The kid is being charged as a juvenile with impersonating an officer.

As the father of four and a native Chicagoan, I am immediately offering a consulting contract to the Chicago Police Department. I propose that we include my $10 million “Juvenile Detection Consultation” contract in the homeland security bill. As a taste, here are a few telltale signs for spotting a juvenile pretending to be a police officer.

The Top Ten Ways To Spot a Juvenile Officer in Your Squad Car:

1. The new officer insists on playing his DS non-stop on patrol and when eating lunch and when taking bathroom breaks.

2. The new officer’s uniform includes a Hanna Montana sticker.

3. Every time the new officer arrests someone he screams “Sweet!”

4. On doughnut stops, the new officer only eats the icing and demands a second doughnut because they gave his partner two.

5. The new officer insists on ticketing the cars of math and science teachers at a local high school.

6. The new officer thinks “Miranda” is a reference to Miranda Cosgrove .

7. Whenever you put on your siren, your new partner starts singing “Touch It” by Mary J. Blige, Missy Elliott and Rah Digga.

8. The new officer thinks that references to the “bench” means the five positions in the Pokémon TCG layout.

9. When the radio tells you to follow up on a call regarding “a grand theft auto on first,” your partner brags that he has Grand Theft Auto IV.

10. When you ask when your new partner went to Police Academy, he says that he went at least seven times, including all five sequels.

A glossary of teen slang is available for future ride-alongs, here.

For the full story, click here.

29 thoughts on “My Totally Radiculous Ride: Fourteen-Year-Old Boy in Chicago Tricks Police Into Giving Him a Squad Car and Assignment for Five Hours”

  1. Obama just went begging to the Arab world to stop attacking us.

    Immediate reaction in that region is America has been defeated and is now looking for a way out.

    Islamicists web sties are already seeing his interview with Al-Arabiya as a sign Obama doesn’t have the gumption for the fight.

    Nice job Obama. Waving the white flag on an Arab network. Nice job, you have just enabled the terrorists.

  2. The von Troll crowd can sure sing, songs of fear and misery. Raf, BIF swatted’em all without breaking a sweat or having to leave his chair!
    charly & bron, would you do me a favor? Invest the kids college funds in Halliburton stock.

  3. I find it an outrage that Obama is going to let states determine vehicle emmissions. This means our struggling auto companies will just need another 5 billion to stay in business – oh wait a minute – that’s free money – NEVER MIND!

  4. Wow! Such a funny and sad story and we are saddled with having to put up with an onslaught of nonsensical Obama bashing by the Von Troll family. I can’t honor my rule of not answering trolls tonight because I have to say the VonTroll family of liers has a very short memory of the last 8 years. Go collect your money from the RNC or your friend Rush and try to think of something actually accurate and sensical. I know that will be tough, but take a month or two and you will figure something out.

  5. Geithner: Good morning staff. My name is Mr. Geithner, I am the new Treasury Secretary and in charge of the IRS ( quiet snickers among the staff). I would like to set a list of priorities and the largest priorities is raising revenue from deadbeats & tax cheats (at this point, all the staff breaks down in loud laughter).

  6. Turley made another few bucks tonight on MSNBC. I guess he feels he has to pander to Oblermann as long as he is getting paid to be on the show.

    Turley, you made zero sense tonight. Zero. How about going after our first TAX CHEAT Treasury Secretary, hmmmmmm????

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