Study: Happiness is Being Dick Cheney

225px-richard_cheney_2005_official_portraitA new study by Pew Research has found that the happiest people tend to be older, male Republicans. It turns out that, while sitting in an undisclosed location planning torture, Cheney was gleefully happy. Below are some of the other happiest fellows around.

Lead researcher Yang Yang, assistant professor of sociology at the University of Chicago: “Understanding happiness is important to understanding quality of life. The happiness measure is a guide to how well society is meeting people’s needs.” That is what Cheney has been trying to tell us for a long time: he was meeting people’s needs.

Cheney’s happiness may be best understood by a scene from one of my favorite movies: The President’s Analyst when Dr. Sidney Schaefer (played by James Coburn) learns that one of his patients is not just a secret agent (who has been watching him) but has just killed a foreign agent:

Don Masters, CEA Agent: I’m a CEA agent.
Dr. Schaefer: [rises from desk, walks over to read ID card] You ARE a CEA agent. And you really did kill someone!
Masters: Ahhummm.
Dr. Schaefer: Fascinating, Don… I suppose it’s the conditioning of motion pictures, or television, or maybe it’s just it’s the times we live in, but… killing is serious business, yet this little card makes it somehow less shocking… acceptable in a way! You mean to say you can actually legally kill someone?
Masters: Yeah, and it bothers me sometimes that I don’t feel guilty about it. Don’t you think that’s psychotic behavior?
Dr. Schaefer: No I don’t! It explains your utter lack of hostility. You can vent your aggressive feelings by actually killing people! It’s a sensational solution to the hostility problem.
Masters: Doctor, are you trying to tell me it’s all right to kill people?
Dr. Schaefer: It’s simply a moral question. Morality is a social invention, and in this case society has decided it’s not only acceptable for certain people to kill other people… it’s even commendable. Don! I’ve got to write a paper for the Institute on this!
Masters: I don’t think the CEA would like that.

To sum up, Cheney is “able to vent his aggressive feelings by actually killing people! It’s a sensational solution to the hostility problem.” Democrats, however, often have to live vicariously through the torture of others llike Pelosi and Harman — producing pent up hostility and unhappiness. (This is why I am called a juris doctor)

Now to return to the study . . .
These people are very old, very male, very Republican and very happy.220px-Larry_Craig_official_portrait225px-ted_stevens

Some findings are not quite earthshaking like “Happiness can rise and fall between depending on economics of an era.” This would make the depression less of a happy time than the Roaring 20s.

For a video of the happiest singing group that Pew could find, click here and here.

This person is very unhappy.220px-nancy_pelosi

Field tests seem to confirm the empirical research.

For the study, click here.

35 thoughts on “Study: Happiness is Being Dick Cheney”

  1. JT:

    “How dare you quote Poe after I have quoted The President’s Analyst? Honestly, if you cannot find profound meaning in The President’s Analyst, I expect you must find comfort in talking ravens.”

    Well your choice of James Coburn (admittedly one of my favorites along with Steve McQueen) in “The President’s Analyst” is a marked improvement over Dick Shawn in ” The Producers” (“Springtime for Hitler…)” but not by some order of magnitude; more like by a nose. Certainly Theodore J. Flicker and Mel Brooks dwarf that creepy, “small thin man, slightly formed, keen visaged with dark complexion, dark hair, and … dark eyes” from Richmond, who produced little of note or worth mentioning. (The Semi-Weekly Examiner, August 21, 1849). On the raven issue, there you go again with that animal chauvinism. It all started with those Billy Goats as I recall.

  2. ravin:

    “been a long time since someone brought up that old poem.”


    More is the pity.

  3. ravens don’t talk…ravin’s speak!!!

    Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door- “Tis some vistor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door- Only this, and nothing more.”


    been a long time since someone brought up that old poem

  4. Mespo:

    How dare you quote Poe after I have quoted The President’s Analyst? Honestly, if you cannot find profound meaning in The President’s Analyst, I expect you must find comfort in talking ravens.


  5. mr. ed:
    That would make an exceptional road trip. I’d have to refrain from bring a partner saw along too. 🙂

  6. Study: Happiness is Being Dick Cheney

    Result: Happiness is Seeing Dick Chained

  7. Oh come on, ann. You know that white women always lust after black guys. My own theory about the apparent happiness of wealthy old white men is that they do not ever experience the emotional pain of moral dilemmas. In the case of Dick Cheney, I suspect it is because conscience has never informed his decisions.

  8. Sally,
    Read the study, it is flawed in many ways methodologically.
    I look at the major Republicans who have divorced their wive for younger, perhaps richer women and I somehow think that many would lie as a matter of course regarding the state of their marriage. Secondly, sex is a two (normally) person affair and I think macho men in general are poor lovers because they are interested in only their pleasures and then start to snore. Liberal men are more likely to want their partner to also experience pleasure and so work at it. Liberal women understand that they have a right to their enjoyment also and so are likely to demand it.

    All of this is of course speculative. People of all political beliefs can and do enjoy sex, as for the more or less pleasure that is in the eye of the beholder. It’s never a matter of technique, or body, it is a matter of two people connecting.

    Read the article and I agree with it. Any one who believes that Iran can or should be attacked is deluding themselves.
    Even though Bibi is a fool, he is not that stupid, but unfortunately likes to posture, given the incompetent he is.
    Think GW Bush, with a better command of the language and much less to work with militarily.

  9. What goes into office half white and half black but turns red?

    Answer: Barack Obama

  10. I wouldn’t want this albatross around my neck because the one constant in life is that history belongs to the unhappy at the expense of the happy. (See revolutions, French & American, for example)

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