Study: Happiness is Being Dick Cheney

225px-richard_cheney_2005_official_portraitA new study by Pew Research has found that the happiest people tend to be older, male Republicans. It turns out that, while sitting in an undisclosed location planning torture, Cheney was gleefully happy. Below are some of the other happiest fellows around.

Lead researcher Yang Yang, assistant professor of sociology at the University of Chicago: “Understanding happiness is important to understanding quality of life. The happiness measure is a guide to how well society is meeting people’s needs.” That is what Cheney has been trying to tell us for a long time: he was meeting people’s needs.

Cheney’s happiness may be best understood by a scene from one of my favorite movies: The President’s Analyst when Dr. Sidney Schaefer (played by James Coburn) learns that one of his patients is not just a secret agent (who has been watching him) but has just killed a foreign agent:

Don Masters, CEA Agent: I’m a CEA agent.
Dr. Schaefer: [rises from desk, walks over to read ID card] You ARE a CEA agent. And you really did kill someone!
Masters: Ahhummm.
Dr. Schaefer: Fascinating, Don… I suppose it’s the conditioning of motion pictures, or television, or maybe it’s just it’s the times we live in, but… killing is serious business, yet this little card makes it somehow less shocking… acceptable in a way! You mean to say you can actually legally kill someone?
Masters: Yeah, and it bothers me sometimes that I don’t feel guilty about it. Don’t you think that’s psychotic behavior?
Dr. Schaefer: No I don’t! It explains your utter lack of hostility. You can vent your aggressive feelings by actually killing people! It’s a sensational solution to the hostility problem.
Masters: Doctor, are you trying to tell me it’s all right to kill people?
Dr. Schaefer: It’s simply a moral question. Morality is a social invention, and in this case society has decided it’s not only acceptable for certain people to kill other people… it’s even commendable. Don! I’ve got to write a paper for the Institute on this!
Masters: I don’t think the CEA would like that.

To sum up, Cheney is “able to vent his aggressive feelings by actually killing people! It’s a sensational solution to the hostility problem.” Democrats, however, often have to live vicariously through the torture of others llike Pelosi and Harman — producing pent up hostility and unhappiness. (This is why I am called a juris doctor)

Now to return to the study . . .
These people are very old, very male, very Republican and very happy.220px-Larry_Craig_official_portrait225px-ted_stevens

Some findings are not quite earthshaking like “Happiness can rise and fall between depending on economics of an era.” This would make the depression less of a happy time than the Roaring 20s.

For a video of the happiest singing group that Pew could find, click here and here.

This person is very unhappy.220px-nancy_pelosi

Field tests seem to confirm the empirical research.

For the study, click here.

35 thoughts on “Study: Happiness is Being Dick Cheney”

  1. ann,

    don’t know what ur talkin about…but dick cheney being healthy enough for sex is just funny as helllll…it was a joke…though it was truthful!!!

  2. ravin,

    So how about those two hotties writing a tell-all sex book about Barack Obama? Are they making it up, too?

  3. ravin:

    ***the constititution does not say it needs to secure the american people as cheney and bush have so stated…the fourth amendment says the people are to be secure in their persons from the government***

    ************
    “`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! –
    Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
    Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted –
    On this home by horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore –
    Is there – is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!’
    Quoth the [ravin], `Nevermore.'”

    –E.A. Poe (1845)

  4. first of all…dick cheney was not in the DC madam’s book…because he was not healthly enough to have sex…the DC madam refused to give him her number in the fear she may be asked on a hunting trip…

    now…my idea of the pursuit of happiness is not dick cheney in a undisclosed location with a gas suit and doctors…so, the pew poll should try again

    pursuit of happiness is continuing to make America the Democracy she was founded to be

    WE THE PEOPLE of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Consititution for the United States of America.

    ***the constititution does not say it needs to secure the american people as cheney and bush have so stated…the fourth amendment says the people are to be secure in their persons from the government***

  5. Well I guess this is one study that is severely flawed. Buddha, I am surprised that you did not say it first on this site right now. Republican’s lie and I guess that they still lie. One thing a real person would never lie about is how much they are getting, especially at home. Most don’t have time for a home life as they are too busy being important so they get it on the side. Well hell yeah. I’d be happy to. They never ever stated that they were getting it at home, now did they!

  6. lottakatz:
    Partisan hack? That would be me. Although my scribbling here is cleaver wheedling too. 🙂

  7. The poll analysis also reveals who has worn something sexy to enhance their sex life:
    Republicans — 72 percent;
    ___________

    Apparatuses…?

  8. Happiness is Being Rid of Dick Cheney.

    Ecstasy is Dick Cheney in Prison.

  9. LOL, I could spin those stats to paint an unflattering picture since a breakdown by sex wasn’t give- try picturing J Edgar Hover in a tutu…

  10. Of course though, the thought of Dick Cheney naked is enough to make anyone UNHAPPY, regardless of one’s political stance!

  11. Lottakatz:

    conservatives never lie about sex, it’s against our religion. These are the important stats from Sally’s link and really get to the heart of the matter.

    The poll analysis also reveals who has worn something sexy to enhance their sex life:
    Republicans — 72 percent; Democrats — 62 percent

    When asked whether they had ever faked an orgasm, more Democrats (33 percent) than Republicans (26 percent) said they had.

  12. Dick Cheny probably began seriously considering the use of torture while listening to the ‘Singing Senators’, I know I did. 🙂

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