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A Twinkie Diet Poem

Earlier this week, Professor Turley wrote a post about the “Twinkie Diet.” That story inspired me to pen a silly poem on the subject of Mark Haub’s junk food regimen for losing weight.

 

Eating junk food every day

Can melt your excess pounds away.

Count calories—it’s simple as that—

And you’ll be able to shed your fat.

Here is Mark Haub’s Twinkie diet—

Go on. I recommend you try it.

Here’s how to begin:

Pop a vitamin.

Drink a protein shake.

Eat a cream-filled cake.

Chew a brownie too.

Chug a Mountain Dew.

Crunch a veggie. EW!

Have a sticky bun

With some cinnamon.

Munch a nutty bar.

Mark your calendar.

Do that thirty days.

See how much you weighs.

You’ll be glad to find

You’ve left pounds behind.

The Twinkie Diet: Nutrition Professor Goes on Monthlong Junk Food Binge (AOL News)

 

Edited to add:

Here’s a book I’ll have to buy now: Twinkie, Deconstructed: My Journey to Discover How the Ingredients Found in Processed Foods Are Grown, Mined (Yes, Mined), and Manipulated into What America Eats by Steve Ettlinger.

Read about the book here.

 – Elaine Magliaro, Guest Blogger

9 thoughts on “A Twinkie Diet Poem”

  1. The Fat Man’s Prayer by Victor Buono –

    My soul is ripped with riot
    incited by my wicked diet.
    “We Are What We Eat,” said a wise old man!
    and, if that’s true, I’m a garbage can.

    I want to rise and feel good that’s plain!
    but at my present weight, I’ll need a crane.
    So grant me strength, that I may not fall
    into the clutches of cholesterol.

    May my flesh with carrot sticks be sated,
    that my soul may be poly-unsaturated
    And show me the light, that I may bear witness
    to the President’s Council on Physical Fitness.

    And at oleomargarine I’ll never mutter,
    for the road to Plumpness is spread with butter.
    And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
    and evil is hiding in every waffle.

    Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
    the bane is in each slice of baloney,
    Fat hides in a chocolate drop,
    and sugar is in a lollipop.

    Give me this day my daily slice
    but, cut it thin and toast it twice.
    I beg upon my dimpled knees,
    deliver me from jujubees.

    And when my days of trial are done,
    and my war with malted milk is won,
    Let me stand with the model throng,
    In a shining robe–size 5-6 long.

    I can do it friend, If you’ll show to me,
    the virtues of lettuce and celery.
    If you’ll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
    of pasta a la Milannaise
    potatoes a la Lyonnaise
    and crisp-fried chicken from the South.
    Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

  3. Buddha,

    Laughing… Thanks for that.

    “…savor that spongy yellow log of cream…” …and then something about hope…

  6. That was a great movie. Some quality kills and Twinkies. What a combination. I do love Twinkies, but I think Tallahassee has me beat.

  7. I’ve seen a guy kill hordes of zombies for his Twinkies.

    The real question is do you love Twinkies as much as Tallahassee?

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Z7gZdiyPTw&fs=1&hl=en_US]

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