Hello Dave: I Am Quantum Computer 9000

Do you remember HAL (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer) in 2001 Space Odyssey, the super intelligent computer? Well, meet Quantum the new crystal-based computer. In Nature Magazine, scientists have announced that they have a crystal that will allow the creation of a quantum computer that would take a computer the size of the known universe to match it. To those scientists at the University of Sydney, just be careful when Quantum says “I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.” If you hear that, run for the airlock.


The scientists are exploring a new horizon of computing in the use of Quantum Computing — a level of computation that is almost difficult to imagine. The crystal based computer uses superposition, where a quantum particle known as a qubit appears to be in two distinct states at the same time. Increase the qubits, you increase the the number of “states” exponentially. I will pretend I understand that since the closest thing I ever heard to “qubits” was Bill Crosby in the construction of the Ark:

The problem with these quibits? Study co-author University of Sydney’s Dr Michael Biercuk: “They’re not easily checked by a classical computer which opens a whole variety of problems.” Well, yea, “Dave.” Why do I expect in some lab in Sydney a crystal computer is about to say: “Look [Micheal], I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.”

Source: Radio Australia as first seen on Reddit.

33 thoughts on “Hello Dave: I Am Quantum Computer 9000”

  1. Raff,
    It’s standard on your next Smartphone. Iphone’s “Siri”, was a market test. It’ll be connected with a 10 GB link. And then we’ll be in the state that LottaKatz reminesced about:: “Press Enter”.

    LK,
    And you’re still connected. How dare you?
    Wasn’t she something to see with her “equipment” and her T-shirts.

  2. Quantum computers? Does that mean my downloads will be finished before I press ‘enter’ to start them?

    WOO HOOO! I welcome our qubit overlords.

    (Great read BTW, “Press Enter” by John Varley; may be available on the Interwebz.)

  3. Some fears:

    Cyberphobia- Fear of computers or working on a computer.

    Logizomechanophobia- Fear of computers.

    Mechanophobia- Fear of machines.
    ——
    Microbiophobia- Fear of microbes. (Bacillophobia)

    Microphobia- Fear of small things.

    Misophobia or Mysophobia- Fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs.

    (The Phobia List). It is going to drive some folks nuts when they figure out where these fears tend to come from.

  4. Let us pause in remembrance of the man who started all this.
    Richard Feynman.
    And he was the only honest man on the Challenger Commission.
    Had he been with us at the right time, we would not be chasing strings today.

  5. Brooklin Bridge:

    While you don’t know what state a single individual qubit will end up in, quantum calculations allow you to predict the statistical distribution of states in a sample of qubits.

  6. Perhaps it could determine when war is really justified rather than relying on poeple like George Bush and Barach Obama to choose which bits of unreliable intell they can acquire to get the military industrial complex more profits. “Unjustified Unjustified”.

  7. I thought it was impossible to determine which state a qubit would end up in. If so, how can you create logic, artificial or otherwise? It becomes analogous to the Republican way of determining the age of the earth; throwing chicken bones or asking the Pope.

  8. “I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.”

    If you hear that? It’s already too late to run for the airlock.

  9. “Dave? Dave’s not here Man!”
    “No, I’m Dave.”
    Knock, knock…
    “Dave’s not here.”
    “Open up man, it’s ME DAVE, the Cops are Coming.”
    Knock, knock, knock,
    “Dave’s not here man.”

    –Cheech & Chong

  10. I keep hoping for success with artificial intelligence because of the massive amounts of natural stupidity loose in the world.

    Save us Obi-Wan, you’re our only hope!

  11. Anonymously Yours 1, April 27, 2012 at 8:38 am

    I have a buddy in Austin that is perfecting (or at least trying to) Artificial Intelligence…. Nothing is fool proof…. And nothing is beyond human capabilites…..
    ==========================================
    Except Kumbaya, and increasingly evident, survival.

  12. “I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.” If you hear that, run for the airlock.

    Super ditto when the government says that, because HAL is fictional but the government unfortunately is not.

  13. I have a buddy in Austin that is perfecting (or at least trying to) Artificial Intelligence…. Nothing is fool proof…. And nothing is beyond human capabilites…..

  14. Could ever really be as bad as the people we ALREADY have trying to control our lives in government!?!?

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