Despite years of bad press over arrests of TSA employees and studies showing questionable success in detecting weapons, TSA can claim a perfect record in disarming sock puppets. At least that is what Phyllis May of Redmond, Washington has reported after her cowboy sock monkey, “Rooster Monkburn,” had its tiny gun confiscated by a TSA agent as a potential weapon. It was not even a Osama Bin Monkin puppet.
The crackdown on armed sock puppets may be part of the general crackdown on humor by the TSA.
May runs a sock puppet business (yes, someone runs a sock puppet business) and says that she was on her way with her husband from St. Louis to Sea-Tac when she noticed that one of her bags was missing at security. A TSA agent then held up her bag and demanded to know “whose is this?” When May explained it was hers, the agent pulled out the two-inch gun and reportedly said “this is a gun.” When May made the obvious comment that it was a two-inch sock puppet gun, the TSA allegedly said “If I held it up to your neck, you wouldn’t know if it was real or not.” Well, particularly if you are a sock puppet pilot.
The sock puppet was presumably put through a cavity search. Rooster Monkburn likely tried to stare down the officer and refuse to give up his miniscule Navy colt but she no doubt responded that “I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat puppet.”
TSA released a statement that “TSA officers are dedicated to keeping the nation’s transportation security systems safe and secure for the traveling public. Under longstanding aircraft security policy, and out of an abundance of caution, realistic replicas of firearms are prohibited in carry-on bags.” It failed to add that these officers are the front-line defense against the sock puppet menace: a soulless, ruthless group that seeks to radicalize Western hosiery and create a sock caliphate.