Despite years of bad press over arrests of TSA employees and studies showing questionable success in detecting weapons, TSA can claim a perfect record in disarming sock puppets. At least that is what Phyllis May of Redmond, Washington has reported after her cowboy sock monkey, “Rooster Monkburn,” had its tiny gun confiscated by a TSA agent as a potential weapon. It was not even a Osama Bin Monkin puppet.
The crackdown on armed sock puppets may be part of the general crackdown on humor by the TSA.
May runs a sock puppet business (yes, someone runs a sock puppet business) and says that she was on her way with her husband from St. Louis to Sea-Tac when she noticed that one of her bags was missing at security. A TSA agent then held up her bag and demanded to know “whose is this?” When May explained it was hers, the agent pulled out the two-inch gun and reportedly said “this is a gun.” When May made the obvious comment that it was a two-inch sock puppet gun, the TSA allegedly said “If I held it up to your neck, you wouldn’t know if it was real or not.” Well, particularly if you are a sock puppet pilot.
The sock puppet was presumably put through a cavity search. Rooster Monkburn likely tried to stare down the officer and refuse to give up his miniscule Navy colt but she no doubt responded that “I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat puppet.”
TSA released a statement that “TSA officers are dedicated to keeping the nation’s transportation security systems safe and secure for the traveling public. Under longstanding aircraft security policy, and out of an abundance of caution, realistic replicas of firearms are prohibited in carry-on bags.” It failed to add that these officers are the front-line defense against the sock puppet menace: a soulless, ruthless group that seeks to radicalize Western hosiery and create a sock caliphate.
Source: King5
Jill: I have always operated under the assumption that socks are capable of decision-making and evasion. After all, we never see just one of them vanish. Doesn’t that indicate one chose to leave, and the other chose to stay behind?
There is an alternative, however. Contrary to our expectations, it may be our “pairs of socks” are not pairs at all, but a single sock in a superposition of two realities, which manifests in our lower dimensional world as two socks; like we sometimes see, with two light sources, two shadows of the same object. Perhaps the clothes dryer can sometimes inject just enough energy into that system to drive it to an inflection point that collapses the super-position into just one sock, which is all there really was, all along.
Kind of like, with the two shadows from two light sources, rotating the object (and clothes dryers are good at rotation) until the object resides on the unique line drawn between the two light sources, so it appears from the object’s POV that one light source is behind the other, and it again has only one shadow — in our case, one meta-sock.
That would obviate any need for sock cognition; the choice to stay or go would be an illusion. Making them somewhat easier for TSA Ninja to catch.
The concern this raises in the level of intelligence and judgment posed by TSA employess. While the are busy whe string with sock puppets real threats, if any, are going unnoticed.
The “touch my monkey” boys would not get through TSA:
Tony C.
Excellent! However, I will now reveal the secrets of the TSA. They have specially trained Ninja who can, in fact, walk through walls to retrieve objects from up to 12 dimensions. Whether the socks and their progeny live in any one of these 12 dimensions is a question I cannot answer.
Evidently, dryers are privy to this information but so far, they have not revealed it!
This reminds me of a time when I, as an attorney with a state agency, had an appointment with an assistant district attorney in Milwaukee County. In my purse was a tiny infant fingernail clipper. I had to go through metal detectors in order to enter the facility. In no way, shape or form could the clipper possibly have been used as a weapon, but the member of Milwaukee’s Finest who was manning the entryway could not be convinced, until I pulled out my state employee identification, which allowed me to enter still carrying the infant fingernail clipper.
“Are sock puppets cross dimensional travelers like the socks from which they evolved? ” (Tony C)
Shite! My irrational fear is confirmed!
Are sock puppets cross dimensional travelers like the socks from which they evolved? I don’t see how the TSA could defend against that ability; and we really should not risk upsetting sock puppetry; the socks may side with them and disappear, and we will all end up wearing shoes without socks, an unbearable outcome. Except on the beach. But we can’t all live and work on the beach, can we?
“If I held it (two-inch sock puppet gun [sic]) up to your neck, you wouldn’t know if it was real or not.” – TSA Agent
I am one of those rare individuals who is possessed by an overwhelmingly irrational fear of Sock Monkeys … forget the 2 inch toy gun … hold up an unarmed Sock Monkey and I run like hell!
If every passenger on the plane had a real gun, then sock monkey would have been outgunned. If one passenger on one of those planes on 9/11 had had a gun and shot the punk with the razor blade weapon we would not have the TSA. Saint Louis is the sock monkey capital of the United States by the way.
I am so glad the TSA is catching this sock monkey business in its prime. Just think of all the animosity building up in the sock monkey community over their treatment. Stuffed in toy boxes with little or no light and ventilation for untold hours/days/weeks. Left on floors to be stepped on. It is only a short time and the Sock Monkeys of the world will rise up and revolt, taking whatever hostages they can. I feel so much safer now that I know that armed sock monkeys will not be allowed on U.S. airlines. Thank you TSA for your stupidity.
I will try it again…”stupid is as stupid does”.
As an old friend use to say here. “stupid is as stupid does”>
I have a sock monkey for you buster….. Wisdom…. Do all tsa employees still have to go through voluntary lobotomies…..
Good thing the TSA intercepted this threat before it could be carried out. That is the woman holding up the sock monkey in-flight and declaring the puppet is hijacking the plane. The laughs would have been deadly.
Folks, next time you have the misfortune of having to fly commercial here in the US, set a sock monkey atop your baggage, preferrably one dressed like a cowboy.
Reblogged this on ActivistPoster.
I was once robbed by a group of sock monkeys. It was an ugly sight. They were all tattered and worn with holes in them and their elastic all stretched out. All I can remember from that night was the horrendous smell of them as they beat me mercilessly. I certainly would not let one of them get on a plane with a gun.
The TSA, school administrators and all too many others are guilty of being WAAAAAY too concrete-minded. Speaking of the TSA, in Jan. 2011, one of our friends died. He was a veteran, and I helped arrange his burial in the National Cemetery nearest his home. His significant other, who uses the online name “webgenie” flew in for his memorial service. Let’s pick up the story when she was to fly back home., carrying the flag which had been draped over his remains, and the 21 spent shell casings in a plastic bag:
The whole story here, with pictures.
We can say thank goodness there are a few TSA supervisors, at least in our relatively small town airport, who have some common sense. I don’t know if she would have been so lucky in a larger airport.
Reblogged this on Brittius.com.
“We have always been at war with Socklandia.” – George Orwell
The poor monkey must be devastated. I suggest they sign him up for a two week journalism course by mail. Upon graduating, the sock puppet monkey can moderate Meet the Press next month.