TSA Moves Against The Sock Monkey Menace

sockmonkey2 Despite years of bad press over arrests of TSA employees and studies showing questionable success in detecting weapons, TSA can claim a perfect record in disarming sock puppets. At least that is what Phyllis May of Redmond, Washington has reported after her cowboy sock monkey, “Rooster Monkburn,” had its tiny gun confiscated by a TSA agent as a potential weapon. It was not even a Osama Bin Monkin puppet.


The crackdown on armed sock puppets may be part of the general crackdown on humor by the TSA.

May runs a sock puppet business (yes, someone runs a sock puppet business) and says that she was on her way with her husband from St. Louis to Sea-Tac when she noticed that one of her bags was missing at security. A TSA agent then held up her bag and demanded to know “whose is this?” When May explained it was hers, the agent pulled out the two-inch gun and reportedly said “this is a gun.” When May made the obvious comment that it was a two-inch sock puppet gun, the TSA allegedly said “If I held it up to your neck, you wouldn’t know if it was real or not.” Well, particularly if you are a sock puppet pilot.

The sock puppet was presumably put through a cavity search. Rooster Monkburn likely tried to stare down the officer and refuse to give up his miniscule Navy colt but she no doubt responded that “I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat puppet.”

TSA released a statement that “TSA officers are dedicated to keeping the nation’s transportation security systems safe and secure for the traveling public. Under longstanding aircraft security policy, and out of an abundance of caution, realistic replicas of firearms are prohibited in carry-on bags.” It failed to add that these officers are the front-line defense against the sock puppet menace: a soulless, ruthless group that seeks to radicalize Western hosiery and create a sock caliphate.

Source: King5

34 thoughts on “TSA Moves Against The Sock Monkey Menace”

  1. Jill: I have always operated under the assumption that socks are capable of decision-making and evasion. After all, we never see just one of them vanish. Doesn’t that indicate one chose to leave, and the other chose to stay behind?

    There is an alternative, however. Contrary to our expectations, it may be our “pairs of socks” are not pairs at all, but a single sock in a superposition of two realities, which manifests in our lower dimensional world as two socks; like we sometimes see, with two light sources, two shadows of the same object. Perhaps the clothes dryer can sometimes inject just enough energy into that system to drive it to an inflection point that collapses the super-position into just one sock, which is all there really was, all along.

    Kind of like, with the two shadows from two light sources, rotating the object (and clothes dryers are good at rotation) until the object resides on the unique line drawn between the two light sources, so it appears from the object’s POV that one light source is behind the other, and it again has only one shadow — in our case, one meta-sock.

    That would obviate any need for sock cognition; the choice to stay or go would be an illusion. Making them somewhat easier for TSA Ninja to catch.

  2. The concern this raises in the level of intelligence and judgment posed by TSA employess. While the are busy whe string with sock puppets real threats, if any, are going unnoticed.

  3. Tony C.

    Excellent! However, I will now reveal the secrets of the TSA. They have specially trained Ninja who can, in fact, walk through walls to retrieve objects from up to 12 dimensions. Whether the socks and their progeny live in any one of these 12 dimensions is a question I cannot answer.

    Evidently, dryers are privy to this information but so far, they have not revealed it!

  4. This reminds me of a time when I, as an attorney with a state agency, had an appointment with an assistant district attorney in Milwaukee County. In my purse was a tiny infant fingernail clipper. I had to go through metal detectors in order to enter the facility. In no way, shape or form could the clipper possibly have been used as a weapon, but the member of Milwaukee’s Finest who was manning the entryway could not be convinced, until I pulled out my state employee identification, which allowed me to enter still carrying the infant fingernail clipper.

  5. “Are sock puppets cross dimensional travelers like the socks from which they evolved? ” (Tony C)

    Shite! My irrational fear is confirmed!

  6. Are sock puppets cross dimensional travelers like the socks from which they evolved? I don’t see how the TSA could defend against that ability; and we really should not risk upsetting sock puppetry; the socks may side with them and disappear, and we will all end up wearing shoes without socks, an unbearable outcome. Except on the beach. But we can’t all live and work on the beach, can we?

  7. “If I held it (two-inch sock puppet gun [sic]) up to your neck, you wouldn’t know if it was real or not.” – TSA Agent

    I am one of those rare individuals who is possessed by an overwhelmingly irrational fear of Sock Monkeys … forget the 2 inch toy gun … hold up an unarmed Sock Monkey and I run like hell!

  8. If every passenger on the plane had a real gun, then sock monkey would have been outgunned. If one passenger on one of those planes on 9/11 had had a gun and shot the punk with the razor blade weapon we would not have the TSA. Saint Louis is the sock monkey capital of the United States by the way.

  9. I am so glad the TSA is catching this sock monkey business in its prime. Just think of all the animosity building up in the sock monkey community over their treatment. Stuffed in toy boxes with little or no light and ventilation for untold hours/days/weeks. Left on floors to be stepped on. It is only a short time and the Sock Monkeys of the world will rise up and revolt, taking whatever hostages they can. I feel so much safer now that I know that armed sock monkeys will not be allowed on U.S. airlines. Thank you TSA for your stupidity.

  10. I have a sock monkey for you buster….. Wisdom…. Do all tsa employees still have to go through voluntary lobotomies…..

  11. Good thing the TSA intercepted this threat before it could be carried out. That is the woman holding up the sock monkey in-flight and declaring the puppet is hijacking the plane. The laughs would have been deadly.

    Folks, next time you have the misfortune of having to fly commercial here in the US, set a sock monkey atop your baggage, preferrably one dressed like a cowboy.

  12. I was once robbed by a group of sock monkeys. It was an ugly sight. They were all tattered and worn with holes in them and their elastic all stretched out. All I can remember from that night was the horrendous smell of them as they beat me mercilessly. I certainly would not let one of them get on a plane with a gun.

  13. The TSA, school administrators and all too many others are guilty of being WAAAAAY too concrete-minded. Speaking of the TSA, in Jan. 2011, one of our friends died. He was a veteran, and I helped arrange his burial in the National Cemetery nearest his home. His significant other, who uses the online name “webgenie” flew in for his memorial service. Let’s pick up the story when she was to fly back home., carrying the flag which had been draped over his remains, and the 21 spent shell casings in a plastic bag:

    I had a flag case, which I gave webgenie to carry the flag in. I was concerned about the TSA screeners, given the fact the case front has a large panel of glass. I left the flag case in its cardboard box to protect it. When she got to the check-in counter the screener told her to open the box. That was despite the fact that the three sided box looked like nothing else but what it was. She also had the plastic baggie with twenty-one spent rifle shells. The glass case was the subject of a brief discussion, but they got all excited about the spent cartridges. Finally a supervisor appeared on the scene, took one look and waved her through. As he passed her through the checkpoint, he thanked her and handed her his business card, telling her that if she had any more problems or just needed anything at all, to call him. She began to notice that people would stare for a moment at the three sided box, but look away quickly, casting their eyes downward.

    Once on the plane, she was holding the flag case in her lap. The flight attendant told her she could not carry something like that, it would have to go into the storage bin. Our webgenie informed the flight attendant that the box was going to remain on her lap, and with that she flipped open the lid so the attendant could see what it was. The young woman peered at the folded flag and then was gone a few minutes, coming back to tell webgenie that the Captain said she could carry that flag any way she damn well pleased, and wanted to welcome her and her flag aboard his flight.

    The whole story here, with pictures.

    We can say thank goodness there are a few TSA supervisors, at least in our relatively small town airport, who have some common sense. I don’t know if she would have been so lucky in a larger airport.

  14. The poor monkey must be devastated. I suggest they sign him up for a two week journalism course by mail. Upon graduating, the sock puppet monkey can moderate Meet the Press next month.

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