If money can’t buy love, Lonnie Hutton, 49, appears to have a rather curious second option. The Tennessee man was arrested last week after he walked into The Boro Bar and Grill, dropped his pants and underwear, and tried to have sex with an ATM machine. There is no word on whether the ATM required counseling or who was the lucky person to be the next customer at the machine. He may have taken AmSouth at its word when it advertises that it is “The relationship people.”
After appearing being rebuffed by the ATM at the bar, Hutton reportedly was escorted out and told to sit at a picnic table. Once there, he reportedly “exposed himself again and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table.” He may have been in an emotional tailspin after the ATM issued a slip saying he had insufficient funds.
It is not clear if Hutton will argue consent. After all, some of the banking slogans seemed designed to drive an ATM-loving man insane:
American Express. Do more.
A passion to Perform.
Because the Citi never sleeps.
Chase. The right relationship is everything.
Farmers. Gets you back where you belong.
Go ahead. You can rely on us.
Guardian. Enriching the lives of people we touch.
With such come hither slogans, can Hutton be blamed for getting the wrong message?
There is always one ATM at the bar that will have nothing to do with you. Of course, some ATMs can be downright cruel like Bank of America which simply says it has “Higher Standards.”
This is not the first person who has had relations with a picnic table, as we previously discussed. Prior objects of misplaced affection include cars, car vacuums, helicopters, and mailboxes.
As you might imagine, this particular crime does not have a direct provision in the criminal code. As a result, Hutton was charged not with “assault on an ATM” or even “commingling of funds,” but rather public intoxication. There does not appear to be an argument that the property damage is based on the fact that no one really wants to use the machine now.
It is not clear what is more precarious: the direct deposit or the withdrawal in an ATM-based relationship. However, since there was apparently no property damage, the police are treating it as a victimless crime. Presumably, the police are encouraging Hutton to discover the limitless potential of online banking.
34 thoughts on ““The Relationship People”: Tennessee Man Arrested After Attempting Sex With ATM”
They say this guy came into a lot of money.
Paul – that’s what I was thinking – doesn’t the deposit slip grab the envelope and pull it in through rollers? That . . . must . . . have been so uncomfortable. Is this a public service announcement against the use of Ecstasy?
I think the ATM should be declared totaled. Or dip it in bleach.
i’m just glad he went to the ATM before going to Krispy Kreme.
Pete – thanks for the visual. It will take a week to clean that from my mind. 🙂
After after they gather 365 together, they melt them and call it a Goodyear.
In Tn. you can. They also wash used condoms and sell them @ flea markets.
Since he was obviously drunk, he may have mistaken the ATM for a condom vending machine and wanted to try several sizes for the right fit.
Mike – I was unaware that you could try on condoms like you try on a suit. 😉
I’m sure he was listening to the music and heard are you lonesome tonight.
I miss Belushi, Candy and Farley.
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