If money can’t buy love, Lonnie Hutton, 49, appears to have a rather curious second option. The Tennessee man was arrested last week after he walked into The Boro Bar and Grill, dropped his pants and underwear, and tried to have sex with an ATM machine. There is no word on whether the ATM required counseling or who was the lucky person to be the next customer at the machine. He may have taken AmSouth at its word when it advertises that it is “The relationship people.”
After appearing being rebuffed by the ATM at the bar, Hutton reportedly was escorted out and told to sit at a picnic table. Once there, he reportedly “exposed himself again and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table.” He may have been in an emotional tailspin after the ATM issued a slip saying he had insufficient funds.
It is not clear if Hutton will argue consent. After all, some of the banking slogans seemed designed to drive an ATM-loving man insane:
American Express. Do more.
A passion to Perform.
Because the Citi never sleeps.
Chase. The right relationship is everything.
Farmers. Gets you back where you belong.
Go ahead. You can rely on us.
Guardian. Enriching the lives of people we touch.
With such come hither slogans, can Hutton be blamed for getting the wrong message?
There is always one ATM at the bar that will have nothing to do with you. Of course, some ATMs can be downright cruel like Bank of America which simply says it has “Higher Standards.”
This is not the first person who has had relations with a picnic table, as we previously discussed. Prior objects of misplaced affection include cars, car vacuums, helicopters, and mailboxes.
As you might imagine, this particular crime does not have a direct provision in the criminal code. As a result, Hutton was charged not with “assault on an ATM” or even “commingling of funds,” but rather public intoxication. There does not appear to be an argument that the property damage is based on the fact that no one really wants to use the machine now.
It is not clear what is more precarious: the direct deposit or the withdrawal in an ATM-based relationship. However, since there was apparently no property damage, the police are treating it as a victimless crime. Presumably, the police are encouraging Hutton to discover the limitless potential of online banking.
34 thoughts on ““The Relationship People”: Tennessee Man Arrested After Attempting Sex With ATM”
Something’s just set themselves up for comedy. I can envision a second city or a snl skit with John beleshui acting this out.
It’s open mic night here @ Turley’s Comedy Club.
Sometimes that’s just a perversion of justass.
Tennessee’s Rape Shield Law has prevented Hutton’s attorney from mentioning how the banks have been f**king us for years. (rim-shot) Good night, try the veal.
“After appearing being rebuffed by the ATM at the bar…Hutton engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table.”
ATM: “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you glad to see me?”
The love of root is the money of all evil.
Keebler, LOL! It is refreshing to see you lighten up.
Maybe he got a chineses fortune cookie that said that he’d be coming into money shortly, but be weary of those that surround you. Just sayin.
keebler – that is funny. 😀
The love of money is the root of all evil.
He said music was coming from da money chine …
More psychology tests are needed.
He had a copy of Hard Call in his backpack.
I hope he didn’t get a woodie from the picnic table!
Keebler – I am more concerned he picked up a splinter.
It’s Tn. Wasn’t there any livestock around? Doesn’t he have any sisters?
Safe sex with a financial payoff. Now ,what could be more modern?
mespo – are you sure its safe? Don’t those money slots close? Honestly how can that be comfortable?
Yesterday we had the naked guy jumping in the moon roof, today we have a guy trying to bonk his local ATM. Is there a theme?
At least this guy wants to make it legal.
Bank of America ATM has “Higher Standards”…..That’s a good one.
Look at the positive side. At least he wasn’t installing an ATM skimmer with camera.
A customer at an ATM at a Bank of America branch in Sun Valley, Calif., spotted something that didn’t look quite right about the machine: A silver, plexiglass device had been attached to the
ATM’s card acceptance slot, in a bid to steal card data from unsuspecting ATM users. But the customer and the bank’s employees initially overlooked a secondary fraud device that the
unknown thief had left at the scene: A sophisticated, battery operated and motion activated camera designed to record victims entering their personal identification numbers at the ATM.
Comments are closed.