Can You Guess What This Person Was Charged With?

Van-BangerIf you said, attempted sex with a van, you need help. That bizarre charge was filed against Michael Henson, who (not surprisingly) appeared intoxicated. I would hope so.

Police were called around 8 pm to the scene after a report of a man who was pulling down his pants and swinging on a stop sign. When they arrived, he was only wearing black gym sport and shoes and attempting to have sex with the grill of a van parked on the street. Now that is one thing that most people would not anticipate in trying to find a parking space safe from things like getting dinged or dented.

The man then appeared to pass out on a nearby yard. The charge is a simple public indecency count since there is no other crime that fit sexual assault of a vehicle.

Nissan_NV350_CARAVAN_Microbus_GX_(E26)_frontThe make of the van is not released. While it is customary to withhold the name of a sexual assault victim, this does not appear to be the reason. A couple of possibilities would be the Isuzu Filly; Daihatsu Xenia; GAZ GAZelle; and the forever bewitching Suzuko Rascal.

By the way, this is hardly unheard of as a crime. (here and here). The objects of such affection in past cases have included cars, car vacuums, helicopters, and mailboxes. Most are charged out as indecent exposure . . . and over exposure on the Internet.

18 thoughts on “Can You Guess What This Person Was Charged With?

  1. Oh my, this could have ended very badly! That sounds like a segue into an Irish Poem!

    Honest Engine???
    An Irish Poem by Squeeky Fromm

    There once was a very drunk man,
    Who tried to have sex with a van!
    He raised up the hood,
    And said ” It’s all good”
    ‘Til his “thing” got whacked off by the fan!

    Squeeky Fromm
    Girl Reporter

  2. Tin, Darren, Squeek and Jay w/ a witty start to Friday. Thanks for the laughs. Would the grill constitute oral copulation and the tailpipe anal? Asking for a friend.

  3. I don’t know what this guy was arrested for but if my dog had a face like that I’d shave its ass and make him walk backwards!

  4. Darren is correct about the autoeroticism, but van-ity goes along with autoeroticism, as among infantile traits, as Carl Jung has pointed out.

    https://books.google.com/books?id=F2XfBQAAQBAJ&pg=PA102&lpg=PA102&dq=autoeroticism+vanity&source=bl&ots=cLWc9s7gRq&sig=YUUTyqfsi8VgS0qDL38yjhM92aE&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiZwrXIos7OAhUH-mMKHX2gAS0Q6AEILDAE#v=onepage&q=autoeroticism%20vanity&f=false

    I would also like to suggest a special feature whenever Professor Turley presents one of these “guess what the person was charged with” articles. A “can you match the perps” quiz should accompany the article, with photos of a handful or so of persons so charged from previous articles, marked, say “a” to “e” — along with the charges, out of order, of course, labeled “1” to “5.” There seems to be no shortage of such novel charges.

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