The Patriarch Patch: Orthodox Leader Called Into To Combat WannaCry With Holy Water At Russian Ministry


Most IT specialists tend to avoid mixing water with computers, but Russia pulled out their biggest gun this week to combat the WannaCry ransomware attack targeted Microsoft Windows systems.  Orthodox Church’s Patriarch Kirill went to the Ministry of Internal Affairs and sprayed holy water on the computers.  It could be a new approach to stopping malware. If you trigger an electrical failure with water, the malware is technically stopped with the now dead computer.

Kirill, a close ally of Vladimir Putin, made headlines previously with the curious by blaming the rise of the Islamic State not on religious extremism but “godless, secular” influences.  That’s right, the problem with ISIS is that they are too secular.


View image on Twitter

Patriarch of Russian Orthodox church making sure that the Ministry of Internal Affairs computers won’t get affected by WannaCry virus attack

The use of holy water raises some interesting questions since computers post-dated such religious traditions.  Does a blessing function like malware (we can call it holyware) where it replicates itself throughout a network so blessing one computer will eventually spread throughout the world?

There is a long-standing belief in faith healing and miracles from blessings, though that has tended to be with humans as are subjects like Lazarus.  This is the first time that I recall the use of such powers on a computer network.  The Patriarch Patch on a Microsoft Windows system appears to avoid the need for any re-coding and simply makes God your IT specialist.  If nothing else, the Russian Orthodox Church could create a million on bumper stickers reading “God is my Coder.”

13 thoughts on “The Patriarch Patch: Orthodox Leader Called Into To Combat WannaCry With Holy Water At Russian Ministry”

  1. My former doctor’s office sincerely believed god fixed their fax machine.

    Holy water is o.k. for computers. It is transubstantially different than ordinary water. There is an extra O (my god) atom in it which has been weighed using the same method to calculate the weight of the soul upon death. When the computer finally ceases to work completely, this weight can be measured. The holy water ascends into the matrix at death. If done correctly, god will not fry the computer once it has passed on!

  2. Sigh…that image of Kirill is from his 2013 blessing of the computers. It’s not new. He did not spray any holy water on computers, and he certainly didn’t do it because of wannacry. The only laugh here, if it’s even funny at all, is that the computers got infected with wannacry despite his 4-year old “blessing.”

  3. Can we all move past religious nonsense already. Mammals in costumes all.

  4. I pray to the copier gods every time I clear a paper jam but it doesn’t seem to prevent future malfunctions.

  5. Well, it is as good a solution as any and beats paying the ransom. Hopefully, they have backup tapes.

    1. Zhat is funnee Comrade Smith.

      Seriously, Darren – do you think you or Prof Turley could cover this? the “Netzwerkdurchsetzungsgesetz, or Network Enforcement Law” passed in April against “hate speech”?

      :In April 2017, the German cabinet passed new legislation on hate speech that the German Bundestag is scheduled to adopt in the summer. The law enables Germany to fine social media companies up to 50 million euros ($55 million) for not reacting swiftly enough to reports of illegal content or hate speech.”

      Like WTH is “illegal content”??

      1. Hopefully Facebook, twitter and the rest, will cancel ALL the German people’s accounts, till these insane hate laws are recinded.

        1. Money talks, unfortunately. And, some of them worked with the NSA on mass surveillance, so I suspect such problems like free speech, etc already matters little to them.

        2. That would be the wisest thing to do.
          Essentially Germany, et al, are making it impossible for FB to do business in Germany.
          Just operating there is becoming an existential risk to the company.
          A simple business decision should be made, is it worth it?

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