Oh Hail Our Monkey Overlords! Simians Move Closer to Operating Flesh-Eating Robots

DrzaiusAs many on this blog know, we try to keep track of who is likely to assert tyrannical control over the Earth so that the Turley bloggers can be the first to capitulate and curry favor. We now have two stories that, when combined, indicate that it will be our monkey masters. A report has surfaced that monkeys have proven capable of using robots with mind control devices. When combined with the recent story of robots capable of surviving on biomass, including human body parts, the meaning is obvious: our monkey overlords will soon be operating human-eating robots with their minds.

How satisfying the research at Pittsburgh University must be for the monkeys. Who is throwing the feces now, they must be gloating.

I have tried to prepare the Turley bloggers for this event by showing how to properly peel a banana in line with the directions of our monkey overlords.

Now, we must learn to live under the yoke of our robot-controlling Monkey overlords. I suggest that everyone study the video below in preparation:

For the monkey story, click here.

21 thoughts on “Oh Hail Our Monkey Overlords! Simians Move Closer to Operating Flesh-Eating Robots”

  1. Gyges,

    killer psychic helper monkeys are so dial-up. :>)

    I prefer the “Trunk Monkey”.

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCUBxgdKZ_Y&hl=en&fs=1&]

  2. IS,

    I’ll have you know that outside his Dead movies that Monkey Shines is my favorite Romero movie. Not because it’s any good, but because “killer psychic helper monkey” is my favorite kind of psychic helper monkey.

  3. why are monkeys getting a bad rap? are you all species chauvinists? Or worse monkey bigots?

    Lay off the mockery of our cousins.

  4. I am sorry, I misspoke. Bush made it clear that he possessed no intelligence.

  5. “…this will count as immunity from prosecution because said feces throwing occurred in war time (the war against bananas) and was directed by his interpretation of the law.” ~ Jill

    And of course, you can’t prosecute somebody for their interpretation of the law because it is just their opinion. Nor can you prosecute someone who relied upon those interpretations to justify their crimes because, of course, they were just following a legal opinion.

    Convenient system. 🙂

  6. Interesting. Now, if Cheney just had the monkeys and the robots after 9/11, he could have ordered the monkeys to use the robots to commit the war crimes, and then, when the robots were finished committing the war crimes, they could have just eaten the evidence. Nice and tidy. And the bonus is, robot necks are so strong, there will be no chance that their throat could be crushed while an overzealous cop tries to retrieve evidence of said war crimes. Neat stuff. Another round of bananas for the monkeys!

  7. Sharon,

    Good point. I bet DOD makes all their contracts with cemetary owners–at least it seems that way!

  8. We have been warned!

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlZ_Pw6tgTc&hl=en&fs=1&]

  9. If robots survive on biomass, including human body parts, perhaps the body-snatching grave robbers at Burr Oak Cemetery outside of Chicago are really robot gravediggers. Out of the thousands of news articles written on the Burr Oak mess, two really good articles are at:

    http://www.ethicsoup.com/2009/07/burr-oak-cemetary-mama-where-are-you-theyve-robbed-your-grave.html

    http://www.ethicsoup.com/2009/07/where-is-emmett-tills-coffin-where-are-the-babyland-graves-.html

  10. Yoo OK’d the throwing of feces so long as: 1. they are thrown from a distance of 5 feet, 2. aimed only at the head, and 3. are accompnied by baby wipes for clean up afterwords. If these restrictions are grossly violated by contractors under the employ of the monkies, this may trigger rumors of investigation. Should feces be thrown according to Yoo’s legal memo specifications, this will count as immunity from prosecution because said feces throwing occurred in war time (the war against bananas) and was directed by his interpretation of the law.

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