The government of Tulare California narrowly averted a health emergency this week when it finally tracked down and shutdown Daniela Earnest, aka “the lemonade girl.” Earnest, 8, was running an illegal lemonade stand to raise money “for Disneyland” (probably street slang for heroin).
Daniela was only dealing in illicit lemons for day when the police swooped down and cut her off.
Ernest appears, however, to have made lemonade out of the lemons. A radio station has offered to send her entire family to Disneyland for 30 cups of lemonade. The city council in the meantime is considering an ordinance to allow lemonade stands.
Like all good lemonade-fearing Americans, I am appalled. It is well known that lemonade leads to stronger stuff as a “gateway beverage.” Little Daniela will be perfectly happy I am sure to help neighbors plunge into regular use of apple juice, orange juice and then PCP-laced alcohol shooters.
This is not the first town to face the Citrus Cartel or its ruthless colleagues in the Veggie Cartel. Indeed, lemonade stands have been known to be magnets for crime and porn. here.
Daniela wasdealing lemons on the corner with her enabling step-mother, Marisa Earnest, — at $2 for a 32-ounce plastic cup. Given the industry standard of 25 cent cups of lemonade, this stuff was clearly pure, “non-stepped on” yellow rocket juice. That is when Richard Garcia, a Tulare code enforcement officer, had enough.
In a scene reminiscent of Gary Cooper in High Noon, Garcia demanded Daniela’s business license (presumably after explaining through analogy that it is sort of like a library card.).
His boss Frank Furtaw, insists that “he wasn’t out there on lemonade patrol” but he sure hit the jackpot with the lemonade girl.
It is a shame to see another evil step mother pushing her daughter to crime. In my case, I discouraged the four kids when they asked this summer about setting up a lemonade like some other kids in the ‘hood. I should them that they could make much more money in a shorter time by simply staging a slip-and-fall at the stand of the kids down the block. I have never been more proud as when I heard them all scream “soft-tissue damage” while writhing on the ground.
With lemonade stands popping up around town, it is unclear how long Tulare can keep its mission objective: “To promote a community making Tulare the most desirable place to live, learn, play, work, worship and prosper.” Just ask Daniela “The Lemonade Girl.”
For the full story, click here.
15 thoughts on “The Importance of Being Earnest: City Shuts Down an Eight-Year-Old Girl’s Lemonade Stand — Who Is Promptly Given Tickets to Disneyland”
I heard Mike Ditka Resorts in Orlando, FL is giving her a 4 day/3 night getaway to the resort, roundtrip airfare, and a 3 day Disney pass in exchange for her setting up her lemonade stand at their resort.
Silly Turleys, all of you. The lemonade girl was selling illegal contraband: it was the cups, the cups I say that were unlicensed hence the charge. How ridiculous of you to assume the contents was the issue.
OH NOOOS , not Dizz Knee Land… Definitely a first step to the dark side. (Not a bad first album either; Puzzle by DADA)
A video of this young criminal. Somehow, I expected her to not look so normal, sweet, and innocent as any other 8-year old child.
This girl is obviously an agent of the Calcium Producers Syndicate:
“Lemon and Lime Peels and Oxalates
The peels of lemons and limes are among a small number of foods that contain measurable amounts of oxalates, naturally-occurring substances found in plants, animals, and human beings…Laboratory studies have shown that oxalates may also interfere with absorption of calcium from the body.”
Good sentencing ruling. One day in the Disney “slammer” should teach her the error of her ways.
Well Heck here in Dallas we have Cheese. That is a problem though. We also have Mikes Hard Lemonade. That is a problem for some too. I have seen Lemonade stands in Preston Hollow and Highland Park. They don’t seem to be a problem. It is kinda funny to see a Driver stop the car and open the rear door for an old lady to get out to purchase some lemonade. That is classic.
There is one person in the HP area that would call the cops. I remember that a lady was having an afternoon tea and had valet persons on duty to park the vehicles. The man next door was having his house remodeled and had the construction people park all of the heavy equipment in the street so that no cars could be parked in front of his house. I believe that he would call the cops as you have to have a permit to spit. His damn crescent moon driveway could accommodate 30 vehicles 3 deep and never reach the sidewalk.
AWESOME article! I couldn’t stop laughing.
That low-life lemonade pusher is lucky she wasn’t tasered.
Whew! That was close. Bet Homeland Security is gonna give them a medal.
Good catch on the street-slang code for “Disneyland”. All these revenue-
generating enterprises the children use to obtain funding is what causes
drug dealers to target them – after all, if they didn’t have so much money
the dealers would have to turn to other segments of society to peddle
The 2nd to last paragraph has me rolling. Of course, what makes it most funny is that its true. The kids could make a lot more $$$ putting severed fingers in Minutemaid.
Hilarious write-up, Prof.
Great scoop, JT, but would you change the St. Louis flasher article link, please? This happened near Fresno.
Radio station helps girl whose lemonade stand was shut down by Tulare officials
By Luis Hernandez • firstname.lastname@example.org • August 5, 2009
Tulare’s Daniela Earnest and her family will go to Disneyland after all and they won’t have to wait until they’ve raised enough money.
KSEQ Q97 host Davey D gave the family four tickets to “The Happiest Place on Earth” after learning that Daniela’s lemonade stand, set up to raise funds for the trip, had been shut down by a Tulare code enforcement officer.
“This is a huge deal for her,” said Daniela’s father, Ed Earnest.
During his afternoon show Tuesday, Davey D recounted Daniela’s ordeal with the city.
The 8-year-old Tulare Christian School student had set up the stand at Cartmill Avenue and Hillman Street, only to be shut down.
“[Davey D] was really upset when he heard about the story. He has a 9-year-old boy,” said Daniela’s mother, Marisa Earnest.
The tickets weren’t free, though. The Earnest family had to prepare lemonade for the radio-station staff, and Marisa Earnest even made some for listeners who showed up at the station after hearing the story.
She was pleased to do so.
Thank God they stopped this little girl when they did. We all know this would have eventually led to a pyramid lemonade marketing scam.
Comments are closed.