Caucusing With God: Pat Robertson Reveals God Told Him The Name Of The Next President . . . But He Is Not Talking

Pat Robertson is back. This time he is revealing how God told him the name of the next president. Robertson, however, is not going to reveal the name. It appears that he is the only viewer on God’s cable punditry channel. Robertson explained “I think He showed me about the next president, but I’m not supposed to talk about that so I’ll leave you in the dark — probably just as well — but I think I know who it’s gonna be.”

While I normally accept every divine channeling brought to me through the body of Pat Robertson, my faith is a bit shaken by the fact that God told Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Perry to run. Indeed, Perry is claiming that it is up to God whether he continues past Iowa. That record may be the reason God has not been able to land a pundit contract on Fox or MSNBC. Indeed, Robertson himself was spiritually directed to run in 1988.

By the way, Robertson also eliminated a few disasters for his favorite and recurring theme: our imminent destruction. It turns out the cause is a president who does not reflect the majority’s views. God is not only vengeful but topical.

Here is what God said (and apparently allowed Robertson to release to the public). It turns out that God sounds a lot like Sean Hannity with a slightly deeper voice:

“Your country will be torn apart by internal stress. A house divided cannot stand. Your president holds a radical view of the direction of your country which is at odds with the majority. Expect chaos and paralysis. Your president holds a view which is at the odds with the majority — it’s a radical view of the future of this country, and so that’s why we’re having this division. This is a spiritual battle which can only be won by overwhelming prayer. The future of the world is at stake because if America falls, there’s no longer a strong champion of freedom and a champion of the oppressed of the world. There must be an urgent call to prayer.”

The message could not be more clear or more divine: defeat Obama or burn in the flames of apocalyptic anger.

36 thoughts on “Caucusing With God: Pat Robertson Reveals God Told Him The Name Of The Next President . . . But He Is Not Talking”

  1. Wonder if these “prophets” have read either of these passages and wondered?
    Deuteronomy 18:20

    Deuteronomy 18:22

    Sounds like the shoe fits imho

  2. Mike Spindell sez: “If God actually talks to Pat then our whole existence is but a Cosmic joke played on us by a cruel creator.”


    Mike, Pat IS a cosmic joke. Cosmic on such an epic scale that his jokehood can only be measured in parsecs.

  3. [A chorus of angles sing, and a beam of light comes down from the sky right on Pat Roberson. A mighty voice echos forth:]


    “Yes, Lord?”

    “BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA WILL BE RE-ELECTED!!!” [thunder echos all around]



    “oh, nothing Lord. Is that all?”


    Pat Robertson goes on air: “God told me who would win the election, but, um, I’m not saying….”

    (It’s about the only logical explanation I can think of.)

  4. Pat Robertson’s spirituality is without question. It is his sanity that comes into question. God has had many messengers, PB is not one of them. MD

  5. Since Robertson has said that he’s a proponent of torture…. well, I hate to admit that a little waterboarding experiment came to mind…

  6. Right. Despite polls that show, again and again, that a majority of the people in this country (as opposed to corporations and lobbyists) agree with many of the things Obama is trying to do.

  7. I am sure in his mind…God….Told him what to say….You can’t deny that right?

  8. If God actually talks to Pat then our whole existence is but a Cosmic joke played on us by a cruel creator.

  9. And lo, the cash did roll in.

    I give you this parallel from the magical Hitch-Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, by Douglas Adams.

    Scene: Two philosophers are talking with Deep Thought, the computer that was to come up with the Ultimate Answer, to Life, the Universe and Everything.

    And it occurs to me, that running a program like this is bound to cause sensational public interest.

    Oh yes.

    Oh you can say that again.

    And so any philosophers who are quick off the mark, are going to clean up in the Prediction Business.

    ”Prediction Business”?

    Obviously. You just get on the pundit circuit. You all go on the chat shows and the colour supplements and violently disagree with each other about what answer I’m eventually going to produce. And if you get yourselves clever agents, you’ll be on the gravy train for life.

    Bloody ‘ell! That’s what I call thinking! Here Vroomfondel, why do we never think of things like that?

    Dunno. Think our minds must be too highly trained Majikthise.

  10. Patty has made many predictions in the past based, he claimed, on what the Cosmic Muffin told him. He has been wrong on every one of the important forecasts.

    Here is the problem for Patty: the Bible is very clear on this, People who claim to be speaking for God but fail in predictions are to be killed as false prophets. I assume he will be taken to the city gates & stoned.

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